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Be myself

Nung bata ako ustong gusto ko ung ulan, pwede mong sabihin na gusto ko parin sya ngayon. Pero hindi na katulad nung dat due to being a grownup. Everytime its rain, I didnt listen to some music and sit on our balcony. Instead, I catch water leaks off the roof. Wla akong sariling kwarto so I use my lolas room to study. Her room had a big waterfall, kaya kapag umuulan need naming magwalis o magtimba at maghintay tumigil ang ulan. 

Thats why I invite my friends when its summer, not rainy months. Di ko ngarin sila naiinvite sa bahay kase tangina ung mga tao dun ang problema. Pero kung tutuusin parehas lang. I hate rain

I Hate Rain

Let me start writing my journey towards building startups or micro/nano-websites.

I started my career in 2007, where my starting salary was 18490 Rs, from NEC-HCL Noida. I was on cloud-9. As it was my dream to get a job, coming from a small town, where nobody guided me. It was the happiest day till that day in my life.

I got married in 2009, quite early. (Will write in separate thread about this). 

Then, I re-met my college friend Sushan Rungta. He was an outstanding guy since beginning. Anyway, he pitched me an idea to work on. At that time, he was working on clickindia.com

He introduced another friend of his, Deepanker Agarwal.  They were doing MBA together at that time.

He wanted to build an education-related website/portal where anybody could study. The idea was to include everything for every grade/class. And, Deepanker brought the name: "KG-se-PG". 

Its KG (Kindergarten) se(to) PG (Post-Graduate)

We registered domain, kgsepg.com (Although, its not with us anymore). We took an office on rent, in sector-63.

Remember my salary was around 25K at that time, with married life. And, I was involved in unknown territory. 

It was basically, slideshare.com of today.

So, it was born. We clicked some pics on that day. I will post the pics from my hard disk later.

We did hire an intern as well. Our role was as follows:

Deepanker, the marketing/business head. He brought really good ideas.

Sushan, in advisory role. Since he was involved in another companies. He did not want to get public.

And, our intern. I forgot his name. I fired him after 4-5 months.

I was a C++ developer then. And, Sushan introduced me to web technologies at that time. I had a full-time job, and recently married. I started learning Drupal (a CMS in PHP), CSS, web-servers, and lot of other things like SEO etc. I used to work till 3 AM in night. Then, office in morning.

When we took the office space. I used to go there straight after office.

We did hire a designer, and get our first design ready. It was an awesome design. I will see, if I still have that.

And, I did that live in few days. Designer was also surprised that we did it live in short span of time. I learnt a lot of things, did lot of automation.

Deepanker used to find content, put it live on website. 

I developed lot of things, some of them are:

A small app to show those flash pages, with browsable options

Then, any document to pdf/flash to images. We moved away from flash, then to images.

Steal any content from educational websites, like scrapping or downloading their public copies.

My Startup Kida - Madness Since 2009 - KGsePG.com

These days, I do not feel like doing anything. I waste time a lot.

May be its because there is no work at office. Its a wrong thing, thats why I decided to change.

But yes, I do want to retire from this rat-race.

Want to Retire!

Life was going so monotonous. I thought of meeting friends. Its hard to get everybody on time. But, luckily by calling few times, everybody decided to meet in Noida.

It was so good to see all of them: Gaurav Verma, Nikhil Murria, Ashish Sharma

Ashish was at his best. He is always like that. He is the CEO (Chief Entertainment Officer).

We talked a lot about college life, current life, we talked about working on some idea. We drank a lot of beer. Verma told them about my salary, they were happy and surprised. I paid the bill of around 9K.

It was really so good to see all of them. I felt like I was so happy after a long time. My cheeks were hurting, by continuously smiling.

Nikhil and Ashish talked about Bhola. haha, cant write about it.

We were there for a good 5-6 hours. We laughed, and we shared our lives. We forgot to share our personal lives and personal problems with anyone. And, with heavy heart, we left from there.

Old Friends Meet After Long-long time - Awesome Time

From continuation to My Decision to Leave 

Few days back, Suman came to me and asked whats going on. I told her that I'm not liking the work. She said, yes the work is not for your level. She acknowledged. She asked if I'm looking out for positions. I said Yes. I think she got a little shock. But, its a part of corporate life.

Today, I conveyed my selection to Suman. I also send message to Parminder. Suman was ready for it.

She had a meeting with Piyush that day. And, I got a message from Piyush. See

I was like come on, how come. You are acting like GOD. He knew that I will be looking for change. 

Since Piyush also left. But, this makes one  thing for sure that he left because of his growth. He should have become Director long back. But, security org has little scope for going up the ladder.

Well this small incidence raised some points for Piyush :)

Message from Piyush

Since the time Piyush has gone. I'm not able to find any reason to stay here. There is no work for me. I'm feeling like not-required. 

The more senior you become, more responbilities you got. I was not to find any such responsibility. Everybody was doing their work. There was no work for my level. My skills are getting waste, I wasn't learning anything at all. 

I think many other people are also getting frustrated, due to quality of work. I also realized, I'm not doing any real work from last around 1 year.

I've decided to look out for other open positions inside Adobe. I also thought of going out. But, it takes lot of time in study. I did not want to study all data structure from ground-zero.

I thought of looking for internal positions. I found few, and talked to few.

I gave interview for Praveen's team. Ajay's team gave me a yes without any interview.

I was confused, but it looked to be good. Work is good.

My decision to Leave

So far, we haven't asked Daksh to bring some stuff for house from a shop, by himself.

Yesterday, I asked him to get a packet of Poha from the society shop. He was excited, and kept smiling by thinking about it. He feels good by doing responsible things.

I gave him the money, ask to bring Rajdhani Poha, count the change, come back. If found any trouble, just come back, do not go outside the shopping arcade.

Inside, I was also worried about him. He went well, and brought it well. 

He felt proud. But, the thing is that the Poha he brought was having lot of worms. It was none of his mistake, its due to the weather, these things are caught by worms.

Daksh training - Get Stuff from market #firsttime

Girls love their fathers. My girl surely did.

She gets never irritated from me. She always want to be with me.

On holidays, I used to work in other room. She usually sleeps from 3-6 daily. These days, she wake up at around 4 and come to me, and sleep near me. She hold my hand, and slept. I just loved her presence and the love she does is unmatchable.

Papa's Girl - True Lines

I told you that she is slowly coming back to her original avatar.
We went to Balaji on Thursday. We came back on Friday. Since then, she is shouting on pitty things.
Either she is shouting or she is telling some stuff to do. I was kind of ignoring her all the time. Then, she said you want to sit aside. I was like its because of you.
In morning, Daksh had to goto school. Kanika was still sleeping. I let Daksh awake, she is still sleeping. I was afraid in asking her if she wants to wakeup or not, as Daksh is going to school and he might need something. Thats kind of environment she has made of.
Few minutes before, she is shouting o Bhavika on some or other things. She was sick, and was not eating much. She started shouting on her. I had to shout back, asking her to stop. Thankfully she stopped.
Please GOD, give some sadbudhi to her. I'm so fedup with her. Should I record her? Good idea.

She is shouting since 2 days continuously

As RahulB also announced his resignation. We were invited to a meeting by Parminder in morning. Only direct reportees of Piyush.

I thought, it must be a project update meeting. i went to Piyush about the agenda. He kind of ignored. We went to meeting.

As we were going, Suman gave a smile and said something which gave some fishy feeling. Meeting started. Ashish also joined online. We were, Vaibhav, Ashish, Me. Parminder said, Piyush also gave his resignation. We were shocked. I looked at Piyush, he smiled. 

They asked us to keep it private untill mail arrived. But, how can one hide news like this. Vaibhav told almost everyone. That day, we had a lunch party. I also told Parag. He was also shocked.

I was not doing anything much, everything was handled by you people. I was not learning much. His reasons were almost similar to RahulB. 

It was unbelievable news, difficult to absorb. In 1-2 days, everybody came to know about this. And, nobody actually worked for that week. 

People were gathered in a meeting room, and were just discussing this. Everybody was openly talking about leaving. 

Few days back, Piyush was asking everyone about not to leave. Kind of taking note of everyone. Now, he himself resigned. 

Suman is the obvious most beneficial person after this news. RahulB/Ruchir/Piyush resigned almost together. She is the obvious choice for his predecessor. But, her style of management is different. The road will be tough for her. 

And, it will be very hard time for Suman to fill that gap. As everybody will try to compare her decisions with Piyush. But, its true that our life is also very difficult after Piyush.

Piyush also announced resignation - Team Switch - Unexpected happened

So, RahulB also resigned and he is doing a team switch in DX. It was a big news as he was one of key member of our team.

There are rumours whenever someone leaves. 

I want something new to learn, I was not learning anything here. Things are constant.

So, after so much calculations. We have some other theories.

There are lot of changes in top management in security, that there are some ego issues.

There were some hot email exchanged between him and management. Looks like, nobody was liking him. They stopped replying to Rahul's email.

Anyway, he was a nice person. And, he provided really helpful insights to projects. Although, he had some temper issues. He sometimes unnecessarily disturbed lot of people, caused panic situations unnecessarily.

RahulB Resigned - Team Switch

ggoogogog

Since the time we returned our Coorg trip. I'm realizing that she is happy till the time, I'm spending money on her. She was very happy on the trip.
As soon as we landed in home, she started showing her symptoms of frustration, shouting. I could stare at her face at her unneccessary frustration and shouting either at me or at kids.
She looks very happy if I keep on spending money, roam outside, buy new things, eat outside etc.&nbsp;
Actually, she was like this only. She changed herself since December 2021, when I kind of declared that we are separating. She changed like vow. If she could remain like that in our initial marriage days, life would be different.
Anyway, she is coming back to her previous life. Which looks bad for me.

She is started her old behavior again - Shouting Unnecessarily - Noticed another behavior

I was like, starting my interview preparation again. She never gave me some extra time to do so. She always keeps some or other thing on me.
Today, I was talking to Parag. He said, he is spending around 2-3 hours in morning. I was surprised. I asked, you don't help in your kids going to school. He said, No. I was like, wow.
She never ever, helped me to find some extra time so that i can study more. Instead, she always kept pressurised me to do her pnd things or so.

She never supported me on my Study

She is getting demanding, more and more, unimaginable.
We spent almost 2Lakh Rs on our Coorg trip. Just after one week, she said I'm feeling like going to market and do shopping. I said OK. She went alone, and did little shopping.
After one week, she said, lets goto movies, its been long time. Inside, I was like, come-on we went to a week long trip just few days back. I said OK. She ordered some useless combo with nachos. Nobody ate that.
We ordered sofa. We had to pay 75K for it. Today, sofa came. She said, now we have to order its table. I had to raise my voice. Come on, cant you see that so much money is being spent. From where I will bring that. You never talk about expenses, is it only my duty. Come on, be some reasonable.
I was frustrated.

She is going limitless - Never thinks of money

Yesterday, I came to know that RJ is leaving. I felt relieved, with mixed feelings. 

This single man has destroyed PS's team single handedly. I can count people who left the company just because of him. I too, left the project because of him. And, was about to leave the team for second time.

And, now he himself going out. That should be a good relief sign in team. Lot of people must be happy to hear this.

If I had to keep a memory of him, it must be that he took good care of his father. I don't want to remember him for his wrong work ethics, the politics, the rudeness, and bla-bla. 

He was such a negative person. I used to avoid him every single time. He did direct or indirect politics with me, with too cheap actions too.

Once he asked in serious tone, that what is the difference between linked-list and array. I found his fundamentals always low. If you see his code written, you would rather want to delete that code. Long long functions, hard coding, .... OMG.

I was much bullied by him in my initial days at Adobe. I saved some people from his bulliness. 

I will write in details, about his cheap politics that he did.

But, I'm too happy that he is leaving the team. I hope positive days will come.

RJ leaving - Man who was Responsible for most of Attrition

I noticed that the pic I included in my last post appeared to be squashed. So now I'm testing a landscape pic instead of a portrait pic and seeing if it looks better.

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Pic test

I posted a photo of mine and Gul Panag in our familly group and everybody was laughing on some joke. I also put some joke that Kanika is jealous of this pic and she is not talking :)
She took this literally in bad shape. Why are you putting me in this? This and that. Bla-bla. And she continued this for long. I had to go for injection dose, I left without saying anything.
I was wondering that she had never gone to college or she had never some friends with which she could laugh and laugh on silly talks. She was like this always. She could get anger on anything, literally anything. I was wondering, if she could take this lightly and just laugh. Any kid can tell that it was just a joke.
I could not sleep last night well. Her behavior reminded me of her usual behavior again. She was behaving like a changed person from lst December. When I just said her, that we are separating.
I think a person can not be changed. I was thinking that one day she will show her colors. And, I think she just came out of that. Lets see, how it goes.

Yesterday Again - Her She Showed Her Usual Side Again!

If someone repeatedly told you to close the unnecessary running switches, then what would be your response?
OK, I will do it.&nbsp;
OR
I forgot it, I will take care next time.
OR
Sorry, I forgot again. I will do it.
<h2>Context</h2>
Its about the few switches which I spotted daily. Her laptop socket switch, kitchek fan socket switch. I'm switching them off daily in night. After every 4-5 days, I casually say to her that please keep them closed. It result in wastage of electricity. Sometimes, she said. OK. But, she never does them. Not a single time.
Yesterday, I got irritated. And, said to her.
Didn't you see these things, you are standing in front of the running socket light. Which is not needed, don't you feel the need to close it. She got irritated again.
Her response:
I can't do it. And, don't say this thing daily. If its running, let it be. I was like, then there is no point of saying this. Its wastage of electricity.
Some things are since our marriage of last 14 years. I'm constantly harassed by her behavior, by her attitude. If she could politely say these things, I would have been be OK. But...

<h2>Origin</h2>
Actually, these things come from home. My father taught me not to waste electricity. If I'm not sitting in a room, why to keep its fan running.&nbsp;
I remember in our initia marriage days. She would kept everything running in our home unnecessarily. My usual habit was to close the unnecessary running things. She got irritated. She rather shout on me if I say these things to her.&nbsp;
I can not switch-off them everytime I left the room. I was like WOW.
Later, I come to know that her family never paid the electricity bill at home. They had the habit of using elctricity by illegal means, they never paid the bills. And, they understand no value of these things.&nbsp;
But, she should understand that we pay the bills.
And, I remember when her brother told me that electricity department guys caught them one day. And, they had to pay a fine of around 1Lakh Rs. After which I think they started using electricity judiciously. Lesson for them.
But, you can't change the root of a person. If she brought up in an environment where these things are normal. Nobody can change it.

She behaves just like old days on few things

She asked, what will you take in breakfast. I normally do not tell her anything.&nbsp;
My usual response: "Kuch bhi bana lo". To which, she angrily said. You never tells me anything.
I said, "Parantha". She again angrily said. You always say Parantha. I will not make it today. This is her response from last N years. I said, then why do you ask. This is your response always. I dont want to get hurt always. She went away.
Its not ike that she does not make parantha. The problem is, whenever she asks something from me, she never made that. EVen if its Parantha, Pulao. She makes it as per her wish.

What you will eat in breakfast - Usual Respose - She did not change

Just to keep you up to date, I have a virtual appointment
with a psychiatrist on the 29th of this month. I
did well for 12 days and then on the 30th the anxiety returned. I
have some depression too, and still feel hopeless. Sill feel like I have
questions but never any answers and solutions. I still hope it’s just a matter
of getting used to the new medication dose and my lady hormones settling in, but
I don’t know what to think anymore. I just know that 8 years of going around in
circles with this is ridiculous so I made the appointment. I just don’t know if
I can be helped. While I’m at it, I have a question for you. Is it OK to take a
10MG CBD gummy before 4 hours after taking my levothyroxine? 

The above paragraph was my message to my docs earlier. I’d
been planning to check in with them and give them an update, but I didn’t want
to do so without making an appointment first and have them be like, we told
you to make the appointment, blah, blah blah. 

What I didn’t tell them was that I’m fed up. Honestly, I can’t
take this anymore.

Tom and I were talking about what might happen to us after we're gone and whether or not there’s an afterlife and all kinds of things like that.
Of all the different theories, I realized that none of us can know anything
until we’re gone. I still hope there’s no afterlife at all. 

Because it’s so hard for me to believe that Aly wouldn’t
send me a sign that she goes on somehow and have a positive influence on my emotional
state if she could, it makes me think that there is no afterlife, or she simply
can’t. Hell, even my parents would lend a helping hand if they could and wouldn’t
want me suffering like this. 

Tom brought up an interesting theory about those lights I
saw back in Phoenix. Maybe it wasn’t an alien craft but a glimpse into another
dimension and time. Maybe even the ghosts some people claim to see are from
another place and time. 

I sure wonder about those multi-dimensions, alright.
Especially with some of the dreams I’ve had. I recently had one where I was
thinking about how my parents were 72 and 73 and that I hadn’t contacted them
for a while. I thought it would be a good time to send them a letter. It wasn’t
so much what happened in the dream that makes me wonder, but how real it felt.
Like I was really in some other place and time.  

Virtual appointment.

I was looking for a design revamp of planndesign.com. Its been an old design in bootstrap, designed by me. This time, I was completely revamping the technology stack as well.

I decided to get the design in Tailwind-CSS by looking at its simplicity and its becoming famous.

First, I thought to give this work to my full-time hired developer Abdul. But, I realized that he will also not be able to justify it, as he is not a designer. I thought I will do it. But, I realize that it will take a lot of time. It's better to outsource this. I looked for freelancers.

Finally, I hired this energetic guy Meet on freelancer.com

We fixed the final delivery on 12th March 2022. But, he could not do it. 

He said bla-bla. I was involved in a personal emergency. He said, he is more serious in it than me. I was like, OK. I said OK. I again asked for a final date. he gave me 24th March 2022. And, he said: Chillax. I was getting annoyed by him. After delaying by almost double the fixed date, you are saying Chillax. I was like ok.

But, when he did not deliver it on 24th. I lost my mind. I warned him, that I will wait for him today only. Then, he asked for releasing the payment. I said, what is the meaning of milestone. When we decided. You did not even showed me anything. How can I release the payment.

I knew, that he did not complete it. I bluntly said, I know you did not complete it, but I will wait for today only. He had lot of excuses, I did cut the phone.

I mean, why did you take the work, when you can not do it. It wasted my 25 days.

Why did you take the work Freelancer - Fedup

Its been a complete season gone, and our work is not finishing. Its related to our new flat. We have done massive work here. Except from Electrician Jitender, everybody gave trouble. Its too difficult to handle labor. 

Now, these painter guys. They went to holidays without telling anything. Our shifting dates kept on shifting due to lot of people. First, the contractor Ramesh, then Carpenter Sudhir, now this painter.

I don't understand, these people don't want to work and earn. They have lot of attitude and ego. 

This painter used to come at site at 11:30 and leave by 5/5:30. And, holidays on weekend.

Today, I did my office from this flat to see when they are coming, but they did not come.

I did message to them, one last time. If they are not coming by tomorrow, no money no stuff, nothing. Enough is enough.