Flashback hits me like a matchstick striking the matchbox of memories. It soon ignited the initial memory of how the scammer try to build the trust and soon a matchstick was ignited. Followed by another a matchstick. I find myself burning in past memory. When I tried to distract myself by doing household chores, the smoke lingered. Just when I took a quick break, I opened up my mom's Xmas gift. I cried. $50 NTUC vouchers. They wrote a love message and showed the practicality of their love. I lost it. Pride was embedded within me. Their gift extracted it out. I couldnt understand why they want to give it to me. I felt ashamed, embarrased and guilty. It is like I shouldnt or couldnt accept the gift. I called my close friend and bawling it out. She asked, is it so hard to receive love and gift from others? Yes. It is a humbling homework that I need to learn for all these years. I am still learning it. She explained, "No wonder your dad said that you have so much pride in you. You didnt open up when the matter happened." I hate the scammer and syndicate so much. They have robbed me. They capitalised my trust, my naive and hard earned money and turned me into a person who was so tormented. I hated myself for falling such devious scheme. I couldnt forgive myself. But if God has forgiven me, why cant I? I want to end my life for countless times, but the truth of hell lingers. My mind is like a mesh of raw emotions. I dont want to feel like a victim but I was. Why? Why me? I wish the scammers will go to hell, I wish the syndicate dead. These are honest human feelings. But I know, I have to forgive them. I have to release them back to God. It sucks. It hurts like hell. I tried social media numbing. I tried food numbing. Pain is real. It is very real.

Dear Heavenly Father, please help me. I surrender my anger, hatred, bitterness, resentment, sorrow, regret and guilt to You. I dont want to be held captive anymore. Enough is enough. Vindicate for us, the victims, the pain and anguish that we have been going through every single moment. Why should the perpertrators be getting away scot free while we are so tormented with the raw emotions? I choose to forgive them but only with Your grace. I choose to let it go and You help me. Justice needs to be rendered , O Lord. Heal my heart. Fill me with the joy of the Lord. I dont know what else to pray O Lord. Help. In the most precious name of Jesus Christ I pray

Anger coupled with pride - cocktail of depression

A drop of hatred and anger spread across my heart. I am soon poisoned with anger and hatred. Flashback of past memories hit me. Paralysed with anger, I trod around the house like an old lady. I soon shut down. My brain starts to fog. My back starts to itch. Headache starts to tap on the door of my forehead. I want to sleep and not face the memories. Signs of shutting down. 

Prayers: Dear Heavenly Father, help me. I release the hatred and anger towards those who have hurt and robbed me. I choose not to let that drop to infiltrate my heart any more. I choose to surrender that drop to You. Flood Your ocean of love, grace and mercy into my heart and completely wash out that drop. I pray for holy forgetfulness to move on, not allowing the claws of the past to cling on my back, burdening me for the rest of my life. Help me in due time, to recollect myself , surrender pieces of painful memories back to You. I pray for serenity to accept what has happened and peace for complete healing. Be with me, Holy Spirit NOW, in the most precious name of Jesus Christ I pray.

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All it takes is a drop of hatred and anger to land in my heart

Why do I feel lonely? Do people feel lonely as well? Or is it just me alone? At the same time, I feel exceptionally weak and tired. Why do people have emotions? Does marriage solve loneliness and emptiness? Does friendship solve it? Or what exactly can solve loneliness? I longed for intimacy and companionship yet I have witnessed and experienced the aloofness, emotionally detached or cunning people. Men are scary, isnt so? Do they really want to be with you or simply want something from you? Have I judged men severely based on the traumas and experiences that I have ? Perhaps. Most likely. I want to stand at the edge of the cliff, screaming all my disappointment, anger, bitterness and resentment towards those who have inflicted so much hurt on me. I hate them. I wish them dead. But I know these feelings are unfiltered ones that need to be surrender to God.

Prayers: Dear Heavenly Father, help me. Forgive me for harbouring such intense hatred, judgment, bitterness and anger towards those who hurt me so deeply. I surrender the messy emotions to You. Only You can fill the void in my heart. Only You can take away my loneliness. I lay hold of Your promise "No man shall be able to stand before you all the days of your life. Just as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave you nor forsake you." -Joshua 1:5.
 

I choose to forgive those who hurt me. I release them into Your hands. Vindicate for me. I bless them and You heal my heart. Glue the smithereens of my heart with Your love. Help me O Lord. Bless me a good night sleep tonight , protect my heart and mind against the condemnation spirit and spirit of death. IN the most almighty name of Jesus Christ I pray

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Loneliness - How do you face it ? How do you handle it?

My head hurts, so does my heart. Why is there such a heart wrenching feeling that I am experiencing now? Soon, numbness invades gradually. Fatigue seems to be like waves crashing onto me as well. My mind begins to fog. God, help me.

Is it the childhood hurts and past that haunts me? Or the old and new traumas surfaced together as well? I want to to turn to my coping mechanism, food. Or should I turn to alcohol instead? I cannot cry. 

Every event seems to be like a thread weaving into the ball of memories. I wished I wasnt born. I question the existence of my being. Why? I didnt choose to be born into this world. It was my parents' selfish , lustful desires  that brought my existence. I am a mistake, am I? Premarital sex lead to halfhearted marriage, lead to mutiple affairs, lead to endless quarrels, lead to neglience of my brother and I and suddenly I stop short to expand any more. Simply put, it is a hot mess, isnt so?

I tugged gently this first thread, my existence and eventually holding it tightly. Gingerly, I pass this thread to God. 

Dear God, help me. I release the messy feelings of bitterness, anger, disappointment to You. With regards to my birthright, my existence, my appearance in this world, I can choose to fix on You. Renew my mind and thoughts.with Your words.Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. 

You send forth angels to draw a hedge of protection over me when I was in my mom's womb. I almost died as she fainted forward and she managed grab hold of a street post. I am not a mistake. You have allowed me to born and to be created for a purpose. Help me to discard that feeling of worthlessness, shame and guilt. Fill me with Your love. Show me O Lord, the grand scheme of Yours in my life. Scalding hot tears began to swell in my eyes. Perhaps the worship instrumental song? Perhaps that first thread was handed over to God. Perhaps the surrender. Tears clouded my vision. 

The infant me teared. Perhaps I wanted affirmation. I dont want to feel abandoned. I dont want to feel neglect. Perhaps all of the above. Heal my infant heart, O Lord. I long for Your embrace and tell me that everything will be fine. Help me. Flood my heart with Your love. IN the most precious name of Jesus Christ I pray 

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When the cracks of the past suddenly appear, raw emotions seeps through my heart

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Only surrender my raw emotions to God - Healing begins

Dear God, a surge of raw emotions crept out of nowhere as I was doing my household chores. Pain seemed like a sharp sword plunging into my chest and blood of regret, remorse, shame, guilt, anger and disappointment is seeping uncontrollably. A fog soon develops in my mind , clouding my judgment. I decided to plug on to soaking worship and pen down what I am feeling right now.  This is my first step of healing recovery journey. I am in pain, so much pain. I don't know how to make sense of this entire situation. It is as if I am like a glass box and past traumas, memories are like zombies, trying to attack me all at once.  Perhaps i need to gun every single zombie down and the city can restore its peace?  

Solution: Cry out to God. I surrender all these raw emotions to You. I don't want them. Help me. I pray for the peace of God to still and quiet my heart. May the joy of the Lord flood out these raw emotions and sustain me today, In Jesus' name. 

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Looking deep within

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Reclaiming my Mental Health with God

I went home, and Bhavika played this song in Alexa. And, she showed so much love to me. She sat with me, and kept hugging me. It was so heart touching. I almost cried.

Kanika told me that she played this song today, and she became fan of this. She kept playing this the whole day.

Sabse Pyara kaun hai.... Papa... Mere Papa...

She is usually very fond of doing swing. But, I used to push her on the jhula.

After dinner, 2 days back, she wanted to goto park to enjoy her swing ride. It was already around 9:30, and I wanted to go back home. I asked her to go back home. But, as usual, she denied.

I started moving towards home, and asking her to leave. Then, what I saw was something amazing. She started doing it by herself. And, she was enjoying much. She shouted to show us that she is doing it by herself. We could not ask her after seeing that.

And, she was doing pretty well, so fluent. 

I loved being parent in noticing these minor developments in kids.

Bhavika Started Doing Swing Jhula by her Own - #firsttime

https://www.lifeintext.com/journals/my-decision-to-leave

Since I've applied to another team. I was almost ready to go there. I was winding up my work, doing KTs to others.

Here in Adobe, hiring got freezed. And the position I applied for, could not be cleared. So, I'm back to current team. 

Suman informed me this, and the message was that team is happy to have you back.

I did not show any emotion, as I was getting little hint that this might happen. But, reality hit me after few days :)

Will write privately, as some people started reading this now!

My Internal Transfer Cancelled - Chaos

       二十大之前，老家的朋友讲，很多家长连小朋友的补课费都交着困难了。二十大开好，可能会渐渐躺平吧，不然没法办了。

       二十大开好了，老家封了，社区防疫的主任讲，路上不能有人！很多小区大门都封死了，有甚者还上电焊，哎。

       爷爷生病住院，医院当然是封了，轻症的病人都被赶回家去了，能不能回家要跟社区报备，让回去才能回去。

       医院的人也得吃饭啊，就一个食堂，说是排队打饭要2,3个小时。

       昨天打电话，还是叔叔给我爸和爷爷每天三顿饭送过去，今天打，饭就送不了了，家里被封了，小区说是有两个yang，院门都被封死了。

        爸去排队买饭了，说是还要等20分钟，不晓得排多久。

疫情！疫情！疫情！

       来到这，也许是平日里的忙活周而复始，像时钟一样旋转着，然而有闲停下来又不知道该做点什么，可以长久做下去且能想着去做的事情。

       写点字吧，写给自己，甚至乎遇到有相同点的人儿，不奢望吧，或者说谈不上有这个希望。

开篇

November 2021 came as a doom month. The covid  took my elder family members that month causing so much pain to my mum. I was already mourning for those lost ones needless i knew i would lose also one of my closest friends who was younger than me. I have known him since 10 years maybe more. We worked together and he was one of the rare handsome guy of the company. He was full of life, always ready to party and always ready to help and share his knowledge. He has been very supportive during a difficult professional phase available day and night to help. A few months before he died, his attitude changed. He was insisting for me to meet him. He proposed several times that i come to meet him so that he could show me around the site and admire his project. He also offered for us to lunch together. We spent quite some time together in office laughing, joking and teasing each other. One day i offered to take him to visit a nearby parc area which he gladly accepted. We talked a bit about the future of the company and what will be our next move as the company was heading towards severe financial difficulties. I told him about my plans to possibly leave but he had nothing to say. Instead he kept saying he will decide the next year. Everytime he came to office he used to ask me for coffee which i made with pleasure. Late at night sometimes he used to send one text just calling my name and when i replied "what happened" he would say "nothing". 


Eventually i had to leave the company as the pressure became unbearable and the last few words he told me was "if you keep stressing yourself over every little thing you will not be able to enjoy life".

Basically when you move to a new company you get so much engrossed in learning, understanding and coping with the work and the environment. I became so busy that i hardly had time to get in touch. He texted me as to how depressed he was with the work pressure and even mentioned for us to meet. But it never happened.

on 25th of November i was informed he was admitted to clinic and he died a few days later leaving us all frozen in shock. My panic attack hit in when i got the news. I could not believe he was no more. He was only 33 and had already planned his future by buying a house by the seaside and had recently bought a red car. 


I remained in shock for days that i could not attend to his funeral. I did not want to see him in that state. I wanted to keep a happy memory of him laughing cheerful happy.

He broke my heart and many months passed by but i could not accept his death. I dreamed of him a few times in which he told me he was fine but sad. I shut myself with the world. I went to work i sat at my desk i worked all day not talking to anyone. My colleagues thought i was arrogant. During lunch time i went to walk on the streets and sat somewhere on the stairs. I regretted that i did not go to meet him or texted him. He was longing for us to meet but my busy schedule came ahead. Every day i wake up i think of him i cry and i regret.

After 6 months i have been able to end my mourning and gradually i became more open at work and laughed with them all day. But while travelling home every other thing kept reminding me of him. 


Its been 11 months already and i still cry for him. I just can't forget him. It feels so hard the burden is so heavy. 4 days ago i happened to be needing the knowledge of what he was an expert of and i cried and cried becausr he was no more there to help and i could not figure out who should i ask. 


But there is a saying that when God takes someone He sends another. There is a very helpful and knowledgeable guy at work. Friday morning i went to see him and he happily helped me. 


As October is ending, i do not want November to come. It will be hard to live those final days of the month and i for sure would be hiding in my room those days. The company even scheduled our eoy party on that day and i declined the invitation. I would be in no position to dress beautifully and smile to people that 26 of November.

We have become so busy in our daily routine that we do not realise what we are losing. After the person is gone there is gonna be only regrets. Since then i ensure that i am in contact with my friends and i regularly check on them even if i have to travel to see them i make it a must to go.

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Dark November Ahead

5:45 - Wake up. Went for milk. Did not get it, as bufallo's calf drank all milk :)

6:40 - Time to awake kids, get ready/bath Bhavika

5:30 - Came back home, time for Daksh's chess class

5:45 - Went for Daksh class along with him

6:00 - Reached there, dropped Daksh, went to society club where I dropped Daksh. 

Picked a book - Definition of Joy from some acharya.

7:20 - Came back from library, did little walk. Saw kids playing, trying to find joy :)

10:00 Took dinner, watched little movie. Ask kids to goto sleep

Full Busy Day

Today is mom's birthday. I've gifted her a new mobile phone. Her every phone was given by me :)

It looked good. I got a good deal on flipkart.

Today Mom's Birthday - Gifted Mobile

My brother in law is famous for rash driving. He was driving my car, with us sitting inside.

He was also handling his mobile, road was narrow, still he was full od confidence, as always.

Its always feel risky to give him car. He doesn't see potholes, he loves taking cuts.

And, in one cut, he hit a sideway thing. It hit so hard, I was afraid. That thing hit the side mirror, and it broke. Thank GOD, nothing else was destroyed.

In my old car as well, he gifted me so many dents :)

And, he said. Pata nahi ye kaise ho gaya! 

Brother-in-Law Broke My Side Mirror

I noticed, everytime I goto my in-laws. I got acidity problem. Read my hectic September. 

This time, my vomiting started really bad. I also got loose motions. I took old medicines, and thinking I will get relief. But in midnight, I got vomiting again. I was having really bad headache.

I thought of going to Hospital. It was 1:30 AM.

I decided not to disturb anyone, left a message on whatsapp for Kanika, and left for Hospital. It was painful to drive that time. 

Anyhow, I reached hospital. Thankfully, I got the staff. They checked, and told that I was dehyderated much. They needed to put drip. I agree.

I told them, that I can be here till 6 only as I need to drop my kids to school. I did vomit there as well.

In morning, my alarm rang. I called the doctors, did billing formalities. I was feeling better. I reached home. I called Milk-wala that I can not come today.

Then, I let my kids awake, get them ready for school, and dropped them to school.

After Hectic Schedule - Worse Health - Hospital Admit

It was our brother-in-law retirement party. We had to go YamunaNagar. I had to miss my office party. On Friday, Ritesh from our office booked a cricket ground, and we played late till around 7. It was fun. So, we went on Saturday. Kids were having holiday on Monday, so I thought of being there till Monday. My parents love being with my kids.

My In-laws had bhagwad Gita program (8 days program). I told them, that I can not come for full program or both weekends. But, they insisted much. My wife wanted to go. So, we planned to go both weekends there.

When I returned from there, I got much vomiting. I had to take 2 days holidays from office.

Agani visit to In-laws, for ending of program. It was bhandara. Again, lot of fried food. And, this time my health got worsen that I had to admit to hospital.

And, on coming Monday, I had to visit to a death-ceremony program.

Hectic September - Too Much Travel

My father had to go there, in Gurgaon. Our Chacha ji shifted to Gurgaon few years before, from Panchkula. My father already had plans for some holiday trip. So, he can't go there. He was looking worried, as he was always a responsible person. He had to go there, I asked, I could also go there, if you want. He said, why not. When will my Son will come handy.

Week-1 to Yamunanagar, Week-2 to my in-laws, Week-3 to my in-laws.

I was already tired, as I came back last night only from Haridwar. I had to goto Gurgaon today. I chose to go there by Metro.

I took a Uber at 10:30 for Okhla Bird Metro, changed two metro. Quite a task. In between, one metro reversed in between. I didn't know that it was not going there. I did double round between some stations. Wasted my 30 mins.

I reached Cyber City metro station. Took an auto (old style). Dropped me to Kapashera border. Took another e-rickshaw to reach fun-and-food village. The venue was just in front of it.

I purchased some fruits. And went inside. It was awkward feeling meeting at someone's death to relatives which are distant relatives. Anyways, I also found Sunny (my cousin) there. I was almost with him there. 

I also met his brother-in-law, Dinkar. A Dev-ops engineer. Gave him some fundas.

I went back at 3. Now, took a local bus to reach Dwarka metro station. Then, to Botanical, then Taxi to home.

That day, I took almost all the public transport. It was like living old memories, it was fun and super tiring.

Then, I got a call from Kanika that its Daksh's class at 6. I was like, come on. Then, I went to drop Daksh just after sitting for 10 mins at home. 

In return, Daksh asked for Momos. He loves momos. We bought some, then some kids saw me. To whom I used to fed sometimes. They were asking for Chowmein. I saw, there were almost 10-15 kids, I refused first, then one of the kid really requested me. Also, Daksh said, buy them.

It cost me 700 Rs. But, it was always satisfying to buy food for poor kids.

Finally reached home at 8:30 PM. Had lunch, met my daughter. And, had a good sleep thereafter.

Visit to Chachi's Father's Death

Let me narrate his last few days schedule.

He took leaves for 12 days + weekends. No problem in that, everybody takes them. But who knew his leaving plans.

Phase-2 (11 June - 24 July) - Informal news about his resignation)

We came to know about his resignation, in an informal way. But, he conveyed this to management. And, he was dear to our beloved manager. He delayed his official resignation news till the time he got work visa. 

In this period, he did no work. He started giving his KT. Which lasted for only a week (MAX)

He was so dear to our manager that he even took his sabbatical before giving his official resignation. Just wow. For 6 weeks.

In the mean time, he gave his resignation, in between Sabbatical.

Nobody knows what he did in this time. 15th Sep was his last day. No KT, everything was done. 

What a way to leave office - Abusing Office Policies at Best - RJ

Yesterday, I came to know that RJ is leaving. I felt relieved, with mixed feelings. 

This single man has destroyed PS's team single handedly. I can count people who left the company just because of him. I too, left the project because of him. And, was about to leave the team for second time.

And, now he himself going out. That should be a good relief sign in team. Lot of people must be happy to hear this.

If I had to keep a memory of him, it must be that he took good care of his father. I don't want to remember him for his wrong work ethics, the politics, the rudeness, and bla-bla. 

He was such a negative person. I used to avoid him every single time. He did direct or indirect politics with me, with too cheap actions too.

Once he asked in serious tone, that what is the difference between linked-list and array. I found his fundamentals always low. If you see his code written, you would rather want to delete that code. Long long functions, hard coding, .... OMG.

I was much bullied by him in my initial days at Adobe. I saved some people from his bulliness. 

I will write in details, about his cheap politics that he did.

But, I'm too happy that he is leaving the team. I hope positive days will come.

RJ leaving - Man who was Responsible for most of Attrition

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Be myself

Nung bata ako ustong gusto ko ung ulan, pwede mong sabihin na gusto ko parin sya ngayon. Pero hindi na katulad nung dat due to being a grownup. Everytime its rain, I didnt listen to some music and sit on our balcony. Instead, I catch water leaks off the roof. Wla akong sariling kwarto so I use my lolas room to study. Her room had a big waterfall, kaya kapag umuulan need naming magwalis o magtimba at maghintay tumigil ang ulan. 

Thats why I invite my friends when its summer, not rainy months. Di ko ngarin sila naiinvite sa bahay kase tangina ung mga tao dun ang problema. Pero kung tutuusin parehas lang. I hate rain