Schools are open after 2 years, due to Covid. Daksh was very excited to goto school. Since, its only 15 days of school in this month. I decided to drop him to school.

As we have to drop our kids at the school gate. I dropped him, and he went straight inside. I kept watching him untill I lose sight of him. I was afraid inside as I was leaving him. As a parent, where kids are living under your care and protection. When kids go outside, its a constant fear for their safety.

Inside, I felt proud about him. How kids adapt themself to face this world. 

Afraid to See Daksh Going Alone in School - Kids Growing

 I was having so much fun sharing pics from my various trips
on VZfit but lately, they’re not transferring over. There always has to be a fucking
issue. I guess it’s no biggie, though, because I’m doing it to exercise and not
to share pics, but it was a nice bonus. I was getting sick of having to
transfer them one at a time too. You would think these things would be simpler,
but apparently not. Anyway, I’m only gonna do 10 miles a day on my trip so I
can do other trips in between for variety. There are a million miles of boring Nevada
desert with nothing much to see but the same old stuff. This is a very ugly-looking
desert compared to the Sonoran and Mojave deserts. 

I jump back and forth between Chicago Med and new Lifetime
movies and in the latest episode of Chicago Med, there was a young woman who didn’t
know that her own mother had her sterilized as a teen because she was
promiscuous and they were poor. The mother didn’t want the daughter to end up
in her shoes. Apparently, this was legal to do in some states up until 1973.
The daughter thought she had an appendectomy.  

The first thing that came to mind as I watched this was how
my mother would have jumped at the opportunity to have this done to me if she
could have, even though I wasn’t with anyone. She never wanted me to have kids.
I don’t think it was just that she believed I would be a bad mother. No, I
think it went beyond that. It was also about money and her not wanting the
burden that grandchildren bring.  

The only thing that didn’t make sense in the show was that
the woman was too poor to find out why she couldn’t conceive. Well, if she was
that poor, how would she afford a kid? I understood the reason this woman
sterilized her kid and why my mother would have gladly done it to me if she
could snap her fingers and have it done but it’s still wrong. It should always
be up to the woman to choose whether or not she does or doesn’t have kids. 

I fought all the fighters on the easy round and even beat
the champ on Thrill of the Fight. Tomorrow begins the next level up. Tom’s on
the endurance round and he’s been cremated by the champ a few times, LOL. He’s
going to keep trying. I’m sure it will get tougher and tougher for me as well,
even though I’m in better shape, lighter, and have more muscle. 

Another nightmare woke me up but I don’t remember what this
one was about. I did have a dream that he started a drug for his essential tremors
that began with an E. Funny name for it. Why is it “essential” that you tremor? 

Unfortunately, I’ve been hit with yet another round of
anxiety. I really think it is about the medication. I just can’t believe I’m
suddenly anxious about being on nights after I’ve spent nearly half my life on
nights. Nor can I believe my hormones are that powerful this late in the game.
So what do I do? I cut my waiting time down, of course. At least I’m not
skipping. I think I’m always going to have to adjust my waiting time based on
how I feel. I’ll get anxious as the stuff ramps up in my bloodstream and less
anxious as it drains a little when I wait only a half-hour instead of an hour before
having my coffee. It’s no wonder that I felt so good during the summer. It’s
also why I was so exhausted. I would still rather be tired than anxious. 

The Russian/Ukrainian war still rages on. It’s easy for me
to say that I don’t think it will spark a nuclear war, but what the hell do I
know anymore? People can be as unpredictable as they can be predictable. It
makes no sense for them to do so, but people don’t always exercise logic in
their actions. People do things all the time for no reason. Oh, I’m still sure
there will be one. I just think it will be after we’re gone. For now, I don’t
think Putin wants to destroy what he wants to take over. If he destroys
Ukraine, then it can’t become part of his territory.  

Russia and Ukraine

 The red sports car is still there, but they’ve been fairly
quiet. The motorcycle hasn’t gone out since the 20th. It seems
projects and company are mostly with keeps him off of the thing so I’m hoping
they stay awhile longer wherever they’re from. They’re a little too far to make
out the plate, but Tom thought it looked like an Ohio plate. Also, I don’t
think there are kids over there after all. I think what I initially heard was
just a teenager with a high-pitched voice. They were barbequing a little while
ago. It’s hard to believe they’re in for the night on a Saturday night but
maybe they are. It’s not late, but it’s not early either. 

With the way Darren is sometimes gone without Carrie for 9
hours at a time, I wonder if perhaps he’s working somewhere in the state at
least part-time. He strikes me as a construction kind of guy. 

Tom thought he would hear something today because there was
a scavenger hunt going on, but it was quiet. Someone was calling for their lost
pet yesterday and he thought it could be Toni’s cat. 

No, they weren’t in for the night. They both left at 7 for
an hour.   

Because we pay for it and there is so much space - a
terabyte to be exact - we decided to sync my pics to OneDrive. After I get used
to it, and if there are no problems, I’ll sync my docs as well. 

Tom had a full panel of labs done and everything came back
OK except that he’s pre-diabetic. He’s been that way for a few years now. He’s
been more active, but like me, he’s not willing to make dietary changes. We’re
more active, but we don’t want to give up treats forever, and I certainly don’t
want to half-starve myself to get to a healthier weight. 

According to Margaret, Dixie has been moved to a care
facility for “unruly” patients that are constantly under lockdown. She also has
seven figures in her account and said something about her leaving her money to
a couple she was friends with for years that would take Diane in sometimes for
a few days at a time. I remember them and that the friendship ended in one of
my last visits with Dixie. She said they were saying bad things about Diane or
something like that. Who knows? Dixie was/is so far out of her mind now that
you can’t understand or trust anything she says.  

I don’t know enough about the daughter who supposedly
married a wealthy man, but I feel bad for the son. I don’t know him either, but
I know I would be pissed if my mother was leaving millions to her friends and
not me. That’s got to hurt a lot worse than my parents leaving more to her
bratty grandkids.  

I can totally see Dixie as being unruly too, and I
doubt she’ll ever be going back home. It’s sad, but not surprising. Old or not,
Dixie did bring on a lot of her own problems with her stubbornness, selfishness,
and stupidity. 

This shit with Russia is a reminder that some people make
their own haters, and it isn’t always that people are racist or hateful or
anything like that. What’s scary is that it’s not just Putin (he has such ugly
Mona Lisa eyes) that is ordering this shit against Ukraine, but the thousands
and thousands of troops that are going along with his orders. How do you just
blow up and shoot innocent people like that and sleep at night?  

I know humanity – or most of it - will end because of a
nuclear war. I just don’t think it will happen while I’m still alive. However,
now I’m not so sure it will be the T-heads or North Korea to start it. Maybe it
will be Russia instead. They obviously don’t give a shit about the sanctions
being put on them by various countries, otherwise they wouldn’t be doing this.
I just don’t get it though. How much fucking space do you need when you’re
already the biggest country in the world space-wise? And is what they’re doing
going to encourage them to take over and invade other countries as well? 

I’ve been working on this entry on and off for hours. I
think it’s time to finish and post it. First, I was hearing the thumping of
bass earlier and it went on for more than just a minute. It wasn’t across the
street, though, but so much for not hearing that shit here. Doubt it was in the
park. I sure hope not anyway. More than likely it was a very loud car stereo
outside the park. The things people do for attention! 

We still play miniature golf on and off, sometimes by
ourselves and sometimes with each other. It’s not only fun playing, but it’s
also fun flying around the course and collecting lost balls even if most of
them are dull looking.  

Unruly patients

Since when Daksh started playing Chess. I also started playing, and I got so addicted to it that I play 20-40 games a day. That too, after so much control. These are live games, and take lot of time.

My ranking got all time high in 5 minutes Blitz.

Chess Ranking Update for 5 minute Blitz Rounds - My Addiction

Today, I got news that one more guy is leaving Adobe. Adhunik Gupta.

He was one of the guy with whom I'm impressed the most. When I first met him, he was almost 1 year experience. But, the way he talked, the way he solved problems, the way he explained something was something to learn from him. 

Over the years, he proved himself as one of the most reliable and most important team member. He is also one of stylish person. I liked the way he talks.

He is joining Google-london. Which suits his skill set and style. Anything lesser than Google will not suit him. I wish him all the best in life.

Adhunik Resigned - Google London

This year 2022, we have to get her admission finally to a school. As, she is turning 4 this year, and this is high time. Daksh is also studying in the same school.

The disadvantage in her case was that she has never went to some play-school. Due to Covid times, the schools were closed for full 2 years. We recently get her admitted to an online play-school footprints. Thanks to her mother, brother and youtube. She knew many things. She speaks english well. Sometimes, I even surprised how well she composed her sentences.

Let me tell you the story of her admission:

Bhavika is very very shy kid. Recently, I visited my maternal home. We stayed there for 5 days. But, she did not speak a single word to my brothers/bhabhi etc. Even, we did not get a chance to hear her clear voice. She spoke so slow there. Due to covid times as well, she never visited any physical school or any neighbours or parks. So, she has negligible social presence.

We filled her admission form online, and she got a call almost immediately for an interaction.

It was a google meet call. Where teacher asked so many things like drawing, name of animals, etc and etc. She responded so well. Maa'm gave a clean chit.

Second Interaction with the Principal Maam

So, first interaction was not enough. We had a second call and this time we parents, also had to sit with her. It was a call on mobile. Bhavika was excited. But, when the time came for her to speak. She did not speak a single word. The problem was that the principal madam was not speaking well according to kids. And, Bhavika got scared. I was so pissed-off with Bhavika that she did not speak anything. I tried to cover up for her. But her principal maam, said that there will be another round of interaction in school.

We were kind of angry to school that how many rounds you want from a 3 year old kid!

So, I took 2 hours off from office and we went to school. This time, we we made a plan. We took Daksh with us. And, I asked Daksh to let her engage in some activity and make her speak. We tried some combinations of tricks that Bhavika loves. 

Anyway, we reached school. There was rush of parents. Our turn came up fast. We all went in a room with a senior madam. She was very sweet, and the way she interacted with her was so cool. But, Bhavika was shy as usual. But, this time she was replying her. She learned some rhymes. But she did not sing that after so many requests. She interacted with Daksh as well. As he is from the same school. So, it was an advantage with us. She opened up an animal book, and asked names of many animals. Bhavika responded pretty well. She answered with the names which I was not even aware of, like Star-Fish, Crab :)

Anyway, she gave us a hint that its all ok. Her coordinator maam, Ritu told us to go back as principal madam was having a meeting. And, she straight away gave us the amount that we need to deposit if principal maam agrees. She said, 99.99% is done, but wait for principal maam.

We were sured of the admission. We had a Pizza Party that night. Daksh enjoyed it.

I got a call today (22 Feb 2022) that her admission is confirmed, and deposit the fee. She gave us a discount of 20% in the admission fee. 10% for sibling and 10% as girl child.

We had to deposit total of 119,500 Rs which includes one quarter fee. Its pretty expensive. I hate this about Noida.

But, I was very happy. Bhavika cleared her life's first exam. And, she joined the club of students.

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Bhavika finally got admission to Gyanshree School - Not an easy one!

Instantly, one thing came to my mind that she got some offer or so.

I called her, and she started speaking like giving an official status. I laughed and congratulated her.

She gave her official resignation to Suman. She said, Suman did not like it, and was not expecting this.

The times are very challenging for management. Lot of people are leaving...

I think managers should be ready for this. They should make them feel happy and congratulate them on their progress.

I will write more about Shriya later. She was an intern, worked with me for most of her internship.

Shriya Leaving Adobe - Microsoft

My name is .... actually my name is not important. I can be anyone.  Your sister, your brother, your son or daughter. I can be your friend, your co-worker. I can be your boss or your employee or even someone you see on the street or your teacher or your student.

It's really not important. What is important is that for a little over 2 years I'm battling with depression, anxiety disorders and B.E.D which is an eating disorder.

The reason I want to share my story is because I'm still trying to understand how I got here. Up until the time my world fell apart I thought that I was in control of everything.  To be honest I had some panic attacks but I didn't think any of it and I was trying to control the short of breathing the heart pumping hard. Actually I didn't even know that those were panic attacks!

But what really drove me to start writing is that video .

The first time I saw that video I thought " awo it's a pity that people with depression go through that but it can't be that bad....I mean it's a dog, and dogs are good, companion, Right?"

Ready or not Depression Attacks

Hitesh had to come to greater noida for a wedding event of his friend. He planned to meet in greater noida, with Ayush. I had no car, as Kanika took it her home. I took an Uber, reached there at Pari chowk. While waiting at Pari chowk, it reminded me of my old days, when I used to wait for bus in a crowded place. Now, the time has changed. Its a luxury, lets appreciate it. 

We went to some boring mall, and we had to goto Venice mall. We went there, and kept on talking about shitty things. When Hitesh and I talk, our direction move towards startups/life. I tried a lot not to talk about these things. But, when we talk, our direction goes there automatically.

Ayush must be thinking, what is wrong with these guys. Overall, it was a good time. 

We took some Nawabi chai from a small cafe: "Chai Le lo". And, the tea was really awesome, I forgot to take the pic. In lunch, we had chur-chur naan.

A meet with Hitesh and Ayush

Since last few months, lot of oldies left Adobe, our team. Its a big blow to our team.

Ankit Rustagi left Adobe

Its an usual weekend, and we went to park to play. Some kids brought rabbit and birds in the park.

Bhavika was so happy to see them. Daksh and Bhavika both played with them.

Bhavika played with Rabbit

Its been 2 weeks since I'm not talking to her. And, believe me, its so much good life. I'm not listening to her anger, frustration, ego.
And, look at her ego. She talked to me 4 days before asking, "bahut acha lag raha hai aise?".
I just said, you leave your anger and we can talk. To which, she just walked-off.
I mean, all I'm asking her to drop her anger while talking to me. She just cant do this.

And, this relationship is going nowhere. Divorce is the only option that I felt will be good for us. I'm not able to initiate any action.

2 Successful Weeks in not talking to her

Pankaj Bansal from another team approached my manager, and he sugested my name to him as Java Expert to take interview for his team.

I focused on Java and little on Micro services. He was 9 years experience.

Overall, I rejected him with a strong No.

An Interview with a 9 years Experience Guy

I'm thinking hard these days that why am I living with her. Even if I hire a maid, she will take less money and will do whatever I will ask her to do. I know this is bad thinking, but I'm not happy with her.&nbsp;
I have seen girls who fights with in-laws, others, BUT not with husband. And, she fights with me. The reason, only known to her.&nbsp;
I started feeling that she is having some mental issues. Her anger is too much. Kids are also facing this. Everything is going well, then all of a sudden she made the atmosphere worse. She is a master of this.
I keep thinking of separating from her, and thoughts of living separate with her. It feels good, but thinking of kids made me sad.&nbsp;
I tried talking to her father. But, he is such a useless person. He did nothing, instead he tried making me understand. I was so pissed off. Now, I'm in no mood to talk to anyone. I will now make a decision (If I could), and just convey them.
When will I get that courage?

I'm not able to take hard decision - Separate from her

Yesterday night, I was having suicidal thoughts again. I mean, there was no life. I can not talk to her, she is always in fight mode. Yesterday, I went at 7:30, prepared tea by myself. I played with kids.
In night, at around 5AM, I started having abdonimal pain. And, suicidal thoughts were coming. I was so frustrated, and thinking to kill myself. My health was too bad.

Suicidal thoughts again

I was playing outside, and our new neighbour came and talked to me. She invited us to her home. They recently shifted there. I asked Kanika that we should go.
She started showing some ego. She said, why do you become so linient. When we tried to talk to them, they were not talking. Now, they initiated, so you are goinf to them. And she straight away rejected it.
I just said in surprise, itna calculation main nahi karta. They even came to our house on Diwali with a gift. Even then, she is not going.

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Nobody is her friend due to her problem

So, we enjoyed both the marriages, flat muhurat, Diwali. And believe me, it was a great pain in the ass to keep calm in front of her and my parents. She is totally unbearable and untolerable now.
We have no relation, no feelings. She kept finding ways to shout, taunts, show her anger for no reason. Yesterday as well, I had to give it back saying: "Its not possible to talk with you. 8/10 talks ended in quarrel".
I was playing with kids inside room, she kept blabbering. I somehow kept my cool, and went outside to play with kids. I vent my frustration on the ball.
And, her usual. She can not prepare my food plate. I mean, she does nothing except shout and unecessary counting her work.

This reminds me of her morning.
We came late last night from wedding at around 2 AM. We slept late, keeping in mind that we will slept till late. Daksh will take off. In morning, I woke up at 7:15 for milk-wala, maid. And, slept again. I had to do my office. I woke-up again at 9 AM. I did not disturb her or kids. She wake up at 9:30 AM. As soon as she wakes up, she started shouting. I'm wake up since long, so many tasks are pending. Daksh woke up. She kept shouting at him, you do it, you do that.&nbsp;
I was not going to office, took my milk by myself. It was 11 AM, with no sign of breakfast. I asked politely, please prepare breakfast. She started shouting, I thought you were going to office, its getting so late, when will I goto bath, I thought of preparing breakfast after taking my bath, its not that late. I again asked politely, its late only then I asked you to prepare breakfast. She did it with full frustration.
I always wonder, if we wake up up late, then why so much hurry. To whom, you need to show that you are well bathed. At 2 PM, she asked will you eat lunch? It was full of guilt and frustration for me in asking her for food. I mean, come on. I said Yes, then I said, leave it, No. She again, went with looking visiblly frustrating. She prepared roti with yesterday's dal.

She came back to her normal routine - Anger, Ego, Frustration

Daksh learned https://www.photopea.com/, and learnt it quite fast. Its like Photoshop. I do not even know how to work on Photoshop. But, he learnt it well.

Daksh made Drawing - Happy Diwali

Its my daily duty to wake him up for school. In Covid time, its at around 7:15 AM. But, before that it was at around 6:30 AM.

The pain is not in waking up early because of him. I usually wake-up at around 6AM. But, he takes so much time to wakeup and put his feet on ground. Sometimes, it took somewhere around 10-15 minutes. It disturbs my schedule as well. 

He talks rude. This makes me angry, and I finally left and ask him to wakeup at whatever time you want. Then, he wakeup by himself. Not a single instance, that when I left he didn't wake-up. But, it feels very bad to listen to his rude replies.

Sometimes he says, remove my name from school. He said, I will email to principal to remove my name :)

He takes time to wake-up. Rarely it happens that he wakes up in few minutes and with a smile.

But, its not a complaint. It is just a memory. I love him, and he knows that.

Big Pain - To Awaken Daksh Each Morning

So, today I had to go to the following work:

I drank milk, and went to work without any breakfast.

I purchased cleaning stuff first and went to the flat. The work was going so slow, I don't think we can shift to flat.

I then went to the IGL office, where I asked the formalities needed and where can I get the affidavit. I then, went to the authority office for the affidavit, came back. The lady then asked me to get the signature of Kanika as she was the co-owner. I said, I will do it. She said, no. She said, take this form, get it signed by your wife and courier to us. I thought, its a long process. I asked, do I also need her ID. She said No. I tried my luck, I said she is sitting in the car, let me go for her signature.

I went out for few seconds, did her signature and came back. She knew I did it by myself, still she took it. Relax. Its done,

I then went to a shop where Kanika asked the shopkeeper to prepare our stuff. But, he has not prepared it. I had to wait. I then asked him that I have other work and I went for electrical stuff.

After that, I came back and get it loaded into the car.

I then went to Sector-9, searching for shops. I found one where I can find Le-Grand switches. I gave him the list, and he was preparing my order. At the end, he gave an amount to which I said, I will do Google-Pay. He said it will come to my account. I said so what, you are the business and you should pay taxes. He said, he will need to pay taxes. I said, by asking for more money you are taking taxes from customers, not paying by yourself.

I was so pissed off, and stood from there saying that I have wasted my time here. Let me know if you are doing it. The bill was for 12700 Rs and he asked for 800 Rs more. I offered that I could do it 13000, else I'm going. They agreed.

On returning, I get the items off-loaded in the flat and went back to the house. Where I first took the lunch. I was so hungry. I had to meet Abdul, but couldn't meet as I was feeling tired and slept.

Went to market for so long with no food

After my last fight, I was again in a delimma how to stay away from her. I am just 37, and there is much life ahead. How can I live with her, even she is not happy.

But, again kids face come in front of me. I just can't think of going away from them. 

There were so many calculations going on:

I do not want kids to be separated. Either with her or with me. 

How would my parents meet kids. They just love Daksh and Bhavika

How would I meet kids, sometimes or daily

I would stay in other flat, just like I goto office.

But still, we will sleep in same house and there are chances of collission

What if someone visits our house, if we were living separate?

This one girl destroys my life. God gave me so many signals before marriage, I ignored all of them. I was so fool.

Calculations aftermaths our Quarrel

Today, we both were frustrating about slow work done by our contractor, Ramesh.

I trtied talking to her about how many tasks are pendig from him. She started talking rudely. I just said, please talk in polite way. She again talked rudely, I can not talk politely, my tone is like this only. I left that place saying, then leave it.

I was wondering so much that I said very politely and slowly to let her talk peacefully. But she refused!

Come on, She can not speak in low tone

Its been so many years, we had sex. There is no lust, there is no love, there is no relation. My parents are the main culprit in our wedding. They forced us to marry. We both were immature when we married.&nbsp;
When I think nof our past, when Kanika met. I saw so many chances that GOD gave me to break this relationship. I took everythign for granted.&nbsp;
Our relationship was toxic even before marriage. I got some cruicial chances to break that relationship. Our's was no compatibility at all. She cheated before marriage, that was the biggest sign that I ignored.
I feel that its important to talk to someone regarding a bad relationship. I never talked to anyone. Perhaps, that other guy could guide me that you are taking a wrong decision. I never did discuss.

Sex-less marriage

I've been thinking of divorce. Yesterday night, I watched few videos of divorce. How to take, about kids. Effect on kids.
Whenever, I think of separation, I think of kids. I can not stay. away from kids. But, when she does her usual anger stuff, I felt so frustrated that I feel my life is also important. I also saw importance of sex in marriages. We have no sex life. I do not remember last when we had sex.&nbsp;
I learned that kids do also suffer in a bad atmosphere. It's better to take divorce than stay in an unhealthy relationship. Kids also saw us fighting. What they will learn about relationships.
I feel that I'm just a few steps away from taking this decision. I'm feeling so intolerable of her.&nbsp;
She is so dominating that I feel suffocated.&nbsp;