I recently took a new dedicated server. I did talk to lot of vendors. Finally, I did settle for one. It cost around 70K for an year. It was a costly one, but with dedicated one I hope to get good performance.

As soon as I get the server, within 2 days I migrated all of my websites to this. The new migration I did around my websites, really helped me quickly migration. I was feeling proud of myself. I did many things in server too, in quick succession. That gave me lot of confidence, which I needed for sure.

New dedicated server for Planndesign and other websites

I went home, and Bhavika played this song in Alexa. And, she showed so much love to me. She sat with me, and kept hugging me. It was so heart touching. I almost cried.She kept playing this the whole day.

Sabse Pyara kaun hai.... Papa... Mere Papa...

She is usually very fond of doing swing. But, I used to push her on the jhula.

After dinner, 2 days back, she wanted to goto park to enjoy her swing ride. It was already around 9:30, and I wanted to go back home. I asked her to go back home. But, as usual, she denied.

I started moving towards home, and asking her to leave. Then, what I saw was something amazing. She started doing it by herself. And, she was enjoying much. She shouted to show us that she is doing it by herself. We could not ask her after seeing that.

And, she was doing pretty well, so fluent. 

I loved being parent in noticing these minor developments in kids.

Bhavika Started Doing Swing Jhula by her Own - #firsttime

       二十大之前，老家的朋友讲，很多家长连小朋友的补课费都交着困难了。二十大开好，可能会渐渐躺平吧，不然没法办了。

       二十大开好了，老家封了，社区防疫的主任讲，路上不能有人！很多小区大门都封死了，有甚者还上电焊，哎。

       爷爷生病住院，医院当然是封了，轻症的病人都被赶回家去了，能不能回家要跟社区报备，让回去才能回去。

       医院的人也得吃饭啊，就一个食堂，说是排队打饭要2,3个小时。

       昨天打电话，还是叔叔给我爸和爷爷每天三顿饭送过去，今天打，饭就送不了了，家里被封了，小区说是有两个yang，院门都被封死了。

        爸去排队买饭了，说是还要等20分钟，不晓得排多久。

疫情！疫情！疫情！

       来到这，也许是平日里的忙活周而复始，像时钟一样旋转着，然而有闲停下来又不知道该做点什么，可以长久做下去且能想着去做的事情。

       写点字吧，写给自己，甚至乎遇到有相同点的人儿，不奢望吧，或者说谈不上有这个希望。

开篇

November 2021 came as a doom month. The covid  took my elder family members that month causing so much pain to my mum. I was already mourning for those lost ones needless i knew i would lose also one of my closest friends who was younger than me. I have known him since 10 years maybe more. We worked together and he was one of the rare handsome guy of the company. He was full of life, always ready to party and always ready to help and share his knowledge. He has been very supportive during a difficult professional phase available day and night to help. A few months before he died, his attitude changed. He was insisting for me to meet him. He proposed several times that i come to meet him so that he could show me around the site and admire his project. He also offered for us to lunch together. We spent quite some time together in office laughing, joking and teasing each other. One day i offered to take him to visit a nearby parc area which he gladly accepted. We talked a bit about the future of the company and what will be our next move as the company was heading towards severe financial difficulties. I told him about my plans to possibly leave but he had nothing to say. Instead he kept saying he will decide the next year. Everytime he came to office he used to ask me for coffee which i made with pleasure. Late at night sometimes he used to send one text just calling my name and when i replied "what happened" he would say "nothing". 


Eventually i had to leave the company as the pressure became unbearable and the last few words he told me was "if you keep stressing yourself over every little thing you will not be able to enjoy life".

Basically when you move to a new company you get so much engrossed in learning, understanding and coping with the work and the environment. I became so busy that i hardly had time to get in touch. He texted me as to how depressed he was with the work pressure and even mentioned for us to meet. But it never happened.

on 25th of November i was informed he was admitted to clinic and he died a few days later leaving us all frozen in shock. My panic attack hit in when i got the news. I could not believe he was no more. He was only 33 and had already planned his future by buying a house by the seaside and had recently bought a red car. 


I remained in shock for days that i could not attend to his funeral. I did not want to see him in that state. I wanted to keep a happy memory of him laughing cheerful happy.

He broke my heart and many months passed by but i could not accept his death. I dreamed of him a few times in which he told me he was fine but sad. I shut myself with the world. I went to work i sat at my desk i worked all day not talking to anyone. My colleagues thought i was arrogant. During lunch time i went to walk on the streets and sat somewhere on the stairs. I regretted that i did not go to meet him or texted him. He was longing for us to meet but my busy schedule came ahead. Every day i wake up i think of him i cry and i regret.

After 6 months i have been able to end my mourning and gradually i became more open at work and laughed with them all day. But while travelling home every other thing kept reminding me of him. 


Its been 11 months already and i still cry for him. I just can't forget him. It feels so hard the burden is so heavy. 4 days ago i happened to be needing the knowledge of what he was an expert of and i cried and cried becausr he was no more there to help and i could not figure out who should i ask. 


But there is a saying that when God takes someone He sends another. There is a very helpful and knowledgeable guy at work. Friday morning i went to see him and he happily helped me. 


As October is ending, i do not want November to come. It will be hard to live those final days of the month and i for sure would be hiding in my room those days. The company even scheduled our eoy party on that day and i declined the invitation. I would be in no position to dress beautifully and smile to people that 26 of November.

We have become so busy in our daily routine that we do not realise what we are losing. After the person is gone there is gonna be only regrets. Since then i ensure that i am in contact with my friends and i regularly check on them even if i have to travel to see them i make it a must to go.

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Dark November Ahead

https://www.lifeintext.com/journals/my-decision-to-leave

Since I've applied to another team. I was almost ready to go there. I was winding up my work, doing KTs to others.

Here in Adobe, hiring got freezed. And the position I applied for, could not be cleared. So, I'm back to current team. 

Suman informed me this, and the message was that team is happy to have you back.

I did not show any emotion, as I was getting little hint that this might happen. But, reality hit me after few days :)

Will write privately, as some people started reading this now!

My Internal Transfer Cancelled - Chaos

Today morning, I gather some courage to told her that please get ready Bhavika early we are getting late daily. I get her ready by 7:15 daily and she kept on sitting here, even then you are doing it late.
She blasted, I can not do it. Kar to rahi hun, I asked agar nahi ho raha hai, to thoda jaldi uth jao. She refused. My voice started raising.
I asked, then full time maid rakhte hain. Its not working. Daily we are leaving house by 7:50, and its only 10 mins that we need to reach school. I drive so fast, that someday we can hit someone and involved in accident. She said, hoga to ho jayega.
Then, she started shouting, you are trying to start fight. EVen in night, you are speaking about going early.
I again said, if my kids are not sleeping properly, and you are not taking care of it, then I have to speak. If I switch-off the tv even at 10:10, you complain. I ask to go inside room, you complain. What should I do.
She starting doing drama, bla bla But, not doing useful talk.

I hit my hand hard on the wall, I think I fratured my hand. I got little bruised on my fingers. I realized later, years ago. I hit my hand in similar fashion, and I had frature in my right hand. I had to miss cricket tournament. Will write about it.
My old fracture: https://www.lifeintext.com/journals/private/i-hit-my-hand-on-the-wall-hand-fractured

I think I fractured my hand - No way to talk to her

So, it was in our early marriage days. I think within-1 year after. So, in 2009.
It was useless in making her understanding for little things. It was frustrating then too. I got so annoyed from her, that I hot my hand as punch in wall. It was so hard, then I broke my bone.
I immediately had to rush to hospital. At that time, she said Sorry, and she said it was her mistake (clearly).
We went to hospital, did X-ray. It was clear bone break for 3rd finger. Doctor asked, how did it happen. I said, I fell down. He said, these kind of wounds happe when you punch someone.
They did plaster on my hand.
I had to miss my cricket tournament in NEC. I badly missed that.
Now comes the hard part. I remember, office mein Anusha always used to ask, Kanika must have taking good care of you.

Infact, after 1 day only. She asked me to help her in kitchen. Doctor asked to massage my hand with something. She refused, and said I can not do this, you need to do this by yourself. She said it with so rudeness, forget about care. And, she said, Its not my mistake :)
She tried every possible way to destroy our relationship.

I hit my hand on the wall - Hand fractured

Read https://www.lifeintext.com/journals/full-busy-day
I was out of house from 7:45 AM to 7:45 PM, and then I had meetings from 8:30 PM - 10 PM. And, she could not offer me food in the room, where I usually take dinner at 9 PM.
I said nothing to her, make food warm, took it. I tried not to speak single word. But, inside I was hurting.

She could not even gave me food

5:45 - Wake up. Went for milk. Did not get it, as bufallo's calf drank all milk :)

6:40 - Time to awake kids, get ready/bath Bhavika

5:30 - Came back home, time for Daksh's chess class

5:45 - Went for Daksh class along with him

6:00 - Reached there, dropped Daksh, went to society club where I dropped Daksh. 

Picked a book - Definition of Joy from some acharya.

7:20 - Came back from library, did little walk. Saw kids playing, trying to find joy :)

10:00 Took dinner, watched little movie. Ask kids to goto sleep

Full Busy Day

Few days back, my parents came home. Our fight was ongoing. So, we were in bad mood.
I wanted to buy my mom a new phone. Even in fight, I told her that I want to buy her a mobile.
And, I ordered one. After few days, I was sitting with my parents, kanika was also there.
I dont know on which thing, she bluntly told in front of my father that she is not aware that you are buying this phone, and her tone was so rude. She said this to make sure my parents listened to this.
I was furious to this. Lets say, she felt bad that I didn;t tell her that I've ordered it. She should have shared this with me alone. But no!

She want to raise the fight - How can she be so dumb

I was seeing, as always she kept her bad face/bad mood in front of my parents. Although, she was in fever too.&nbsp;
But, as soon as they went. I could see a different smile on her face.
I felt so bad about my parents, about me. We did not deserve this.
I can count many times, when she always keep in bad mood in front of them. I feel very bad about them.
But, now they also realized this. They told me that why she always remain in tensed mood.

She kept showing her bad mood in front of my parents

Today is mom's birthday. I've gifted her a new mobile phone. Her every phone was given by me :)

It looked good. I got a good deal on flipkart.

Today Mom's Birthday - Gifted Mobile

I see there is no point in regretting if I need to live with kids. I thought again and again, kids are my life and I just cant imagine life without kids.
My health shows my stress, my face shows sign of stress. I can't take this any longer.&nbsp;
I need to handle this. I already have no dependency on her. I have to remove remaining as well. I need to hire a maid for food.

I need to handle life now - No point of regret - kids are my life

Yesterday as well, in front of my mother. I prooved that she has no point and she is guilty. Everytime, she started some nonsense talks, which has no relevance.
I raised point of Parantha. I very clearly asked, if I like Parantha very much, where should I request for this, tumhe hi bolunga na. I do my breakfast in office for 5 days, no request. I just asked you to make it in one of day (Saturday/Sunday). You straight away refused.
And, she refused in front of mother too. I can't make it, with a non-sense excuse that kids do not like it. I was like, kids do not like it! Yesterday only, you asked my mom to make paranthas for them, as they dont like the veg made.&nbsp;
She has no point, no agenda, just full of bullshit.

She Clearly Have Nothing to Defend - Full of Drama

She came in morning in front of my parents, and said quite badly: Aapko awaaz to aa hi rahi hogi raat mein, hamare jhagde ki. I was looking at her face. She complained them about I said of leaving her. I said nothing, My father felt bad, and he just said few words of resolving it and left.
My mother came after few minutes, with us. Started a conversation. I had to speak. I again rest my case. And, she again said bla-bla. I actually proved my point. I let Kanika said that she also agreed that the words her mother said were wrong. Then, why the hell you couldn't pacify me by just saying those words at that time. I just asked you to talk to your mom, will you like if I would talked to her directly. She agreed. But again, she dramatically tried to move here and there. I bluntly said, look kahan ghuma fira rahi hai.&nbsp;
Then, she was sitting in the room. I asked to goto market. She said No. You have disrespected my parents. I was like, you are so concerned about them, what about me.

She had actually disturbed the atmosphere of her home too. The thing that could have been handled in cooler way, she handled it so badly.
I thought, I will talk to her dad. He didn't pick my phone. I was quite cool, I didn't want to fight with them. Instead, I just wanted to cool down things which Kanika has messed up. But, he didn't pick the phone.

She Has Actually Raised this Fight this time - Unnecessarily

So, we are not on talking terms from past few days, since when we came back from her home.
Today, I thought of asking her the question: What is the series of events when we stopped talking. She herself started another conversation that what will we do in going to fair. And, I got the oppurtunity to ask this question.
I repeated:
- We went super happily to your house
- We went to Haridwar temples happily, everything going happy-happy
- Then, I complained you about you guys didn't let me sleep. Shouted in my room, near my bed, where I was sleeping. To which said, you were in a function. I asked, which function. There was no relative that night, everybody else was busy here and there. So, I slept, that too in my room. But, you guys came there, started speaking like there is nobody. She was not ready to accept.
- I continued, then I complained you about your mom's taunts. I simply asked you to talk to your mom and said he is not liking your taunts, please do not speak like that. She straight away refused. I can not talk to her. I was like, then I should talk to her directly? If I will not talk to you about this, then whom.&nbsp;
I justified my situation that its an insult. She is not ready for that.
She continued said, when you were in need they were there for you. I said I agree, but nobody can accept his or her insult. Its only words which destroys relationship, what else. She is not ready. She started speaking bla bla.
She said, your father did bad mouthing by sitting there. I said, its bad. In past as well, you said me so many things. I was with you. I even talked to my parents about some things. But, you straight away refused to say anything on my face.
She said, you were scolding Daksh for nothing. I justified again. Historically, she never let me scold Daksh. Due to this, Daksh does not understand this. He thinks I'm bad.

I used to think that she will be the one due to which my relationship with in-laws will be bad. This becomes true. She said, she has talked this to her home. I was like, ab baat bigad gayi, to keh diya. Pehle hi sambhal leti, to kuch hota hi nahi.

She is Unmanageable - Unwanted - Bad Mood

I'm realizing that this time its dead now.
I'm completely broken from inside. I'm feeling trapped by her family.
I see, even if I raise my voice. or I try to resolve the issue by a get-together of my parents, her parents. Nothing will come out. I don't want to die. But, I want peace in life.
She said, navratri aa rahe hain. Aise hi rehna hai kya. I did not reply anything to her.
Now, there is nothing left between her and me.
I did not even see her face properly from last 1 week.
I simply do not have the courage to take this big step of asking for divorce. But, I know one more big bad behavior from her side, and I'm done.

The Relationship with K is Dead

I noticed, everytime I goto my in-laws. I got acidity problem. Read my hectic September. 

This time, my vomiting started really bad. I also got loose motions. I took old medicines, and thinking I will get relief. But in midnight, I got vomiting again. I was having really bad headache.

I thought of going to Hospital. It was 1:30 AM.

I decided not to disturb anyone, left a message on whatsapp for Kanika, and left for Hospital. It was painful to drive that time. 

Anyhow, I reached hospital. Thankfully, I got the staff. They checked, and told that I was dehyderated much. They needed to put drip. I agree.

I told them, that I can be here till 6 only as I need to drop my kids to school. I did vomit there as well.

In morning, my alarm rang. I called the doctors, did billing formalities. I was feeling better. I reached home. I called Milk-wala that I can not come today.

Then, I let my kids awake, get them ready for school, and dropped them to school.

After Hectic Schedule - Worse Health - Hospital Admit

It was our brother-in-law retirement party. We had to go YamunaNagar. I had to miss my office party. On Friday, Ritesh from our office booked a cricket ground, and we played late till around 7. It was fun. So, we went on Saturday. Kids were having holiday on Monday, so I thought of being there till Monday. My parents love being with my kids.

My In-laws had bhagwad Gita program (8 days program). I told them, that I can not come for full program or both weekends. But, they insisted much. My wife wanted to go. So, we planned to go both weekends there.

When I returned from there, I got much vomiting. I had to take 2 days holidays from office.

Agani visit to In-laws, for ending of program. It was bhandara. Again, lot of fried food. And, this time my health got worsen that I had to admit to hospital.

And, on coming Monday, I had to visit to a death-ceremony program.

Hectic September - Too Much Travel

Today, I mustered the courage to ask Kanika. What happened to you, we didn't had a fight. I just told you the bad behavior of your parents. She started blasted again, shouting. You were only not talking, your mood is not good.
Then, she started story from there. When, I was sleeping and I got angry at them for shouting when I slept. She said, it was function and you were sleeping. I calmly said, I was sleeping in my room and nobody was there, no relative. I was tired and slept. No, you shouldn't have slept, you were in function. I said, everybody was busy. I cant wait when your brother came from work at 11:30 and then I started talking. Cant you see, if someone is sleeping, its common courtesy to keep silent.&nbsp;
But no, she was not ready to listen.
Deewar par sir mar lo apna.
I was seriously thinking what to do with her. Separating looks too good option to me. But again, kids.
I would have separated, even I thought that I will bear all the expense of kids and her. I can not see the two kids living separately. More than me, I thought of my parents. Kids wil be separated from them as well. Whole family will be broken.
One girl can do such harm, its so painfull.

She is not at all understandable

My father had to go there, in Gurgaon. Our Chacha ji shifted to Gurgaon few years before, from Panchkula. My father already had plans for some holiday trip. So, he can't go there. He was looking worried, as he was always a responsible person. He had to go there, I asked, I could also go there, if you want. He said, why not. When will my Son will come handy.

Week-1 to Yamunanagar, Week-2 to my in-laws, Week-3 to my in-laws.

I was already tired, as I came back last night only from Haridwar. I had to goto Gurgaon today. I chose to go there by Metro.

I took a Uber at 10:30 for Okhla Bird Metro, changed two metro. Quite a task. In between, one metro reversed in between. I didn't know that it was not going there. I did double round between some stations. Wasted my 30 mins.

I reached Cyber City metro station. Took an auto (old style). Dropped me to Kapashera border. Took another e-rickshaw to reach fun-and-food village. The venue was just in front of it.

I purchased some fruits. And went inside. It was awkward feeling meeting at someone's death to relatives which are distant relatives. Anyways, I also found Sunny (my cousin) there. I was almost with him there. 

I also met his brother-in-law, Dinkar. A Dev-ops engineer. Gave him some fundas.

I went back at 3. Now, took a local bus to reach Dwarka metro station. Then, to Botanical, then Taxi to home.

That day, I took almost all the public transport. It was like living old memories, it was fun and super tiring.

Then, I got a call from Kanika that its Daksh's class at 6. I was like, come on. Then, I went to drop Daksh just after sitting for 10 mins at home. 

In return, Daksh asked for Momos. He loves momos. We bought some, then some kids saw me. To whom I used to fed sometimes. They were asking for Chowmein. I saw, there were almost 10-15 kids, I refused first, then one of the kid really requested me. Also, Daksh said, buy them.

It cost me 700 Rs. But, it was always satisfying to buy food for poor kids.

Finally reached home at 8:30 PM. Had lunch, met my daughter. And, had a good sleep thereafter.