       来到这，也许是平日里的忙活周而复始，像时钟一样旋转着，然而有闲停下来又不知道该做点什么，可以长久做下去且能想着去做的事情。

       写点字吧，写给自己，甚至乎遇到有相同点的人儿，不奢望吧，或者说谈不上有这个希望。

开篇

November 2021 came as a doom month. The covid  took my elder family members that month causing so much pain to my mum. I was already mourning for those lost ones needless i knew i would lose also one of my closest friends who was younger than me. I have known him since 10 years maybe more. We worked together and he was one of the rare handsome guy of the company. He was full of life, always ready to party and always ready to help and share his knowledge. He has been very supportive during a difficult professional phase available day and night to help. A few months before he died, his attitude changed. He was insisting for me to meet him. He proposed several times that i come to meet him so that he could show me around the site and admire his project. He also offered for us to lunch together. We spent quite some time together in office laughing, joking and teasing each other. One day i offered to take him to visit a nearby parc area which he gladly accepted. We talked a bit about the future of the company and what will be our next move as the company was heading towards severe financial difficulties. I told him about my plans to possibly leave but he had nothing to say. Instead he kept saying he will decide the next year. Everytime he came to office he used to ask me for coffee which i made with pleasure. Late at night sometimes he used to send one text just calling my name and when i replied "what happened" he would say "nothing". 


Eventually i had to leave the company as the pressure became unbearable and the last few words he told me was "if you keep stressing yourself over every little thing you will not be able to enjoy life".

Basically when you move to a new company you get so much engrossed in learning, understanding and coping with the work and the environment. I became so busy that i hardly had time to get in touch. He texted me as to how depressed he was with the work pressure and even mentioned for us to meet. But it never happened.

on 25th of November i was informed he was admitted to clinic and he died a few days later leaving us all frozen in shock. My panic attack hit in when i got the news. I could not believe he was no more. He was only 33 and had already planned his future by buying a house by the seaside and had recently bought a red car. 


I remained in shock for days that i could not attend to his funeral. I did not want to see him in that state. I wanted to keep a happy memory of him laughing cheerful happy.

He broke my heart and many months passed by but i could not accept his death. I dreamed of him a few times in which he told me he was fine but sad. I shut myself with the world. I went to work i sat at my desk i worked all day not talking to anyone. My colleagues thought i was arrogant. During lunch time i went to walk on the streets and sat somewhere on the stairs. I regretted that i did not go to meet him or texted him. He was longing for us to meet but my busy schedule came ahead. Every day i wake up i think of him i cry and i regret.

After 6 months i have been able to end my mourning and gradually i became more open at work and laughed with them all day. But while travelling home every other thing kept reminding me of him. 


Its been 11 months already and i still cry for him. I just can't forget him. It feels so hard the burden is so heavy. 4 days ago i happened to be needing the knowledge of what he was an expert of and i cried and cried becausr he was no more there to help and i could not figure out who should i ask. 


But there is a saying that when God takes someone He sends another. There is a very helpful and knowledgeable guy at work. Friday morning i went to see him and he happily helped me. 


As October is ending, i do not want November to come. It will be hard to live those final days of the month and i for sure would be hiding in my room those days. The company even scheduled our eoy party on that day and i declined the invitation. I would be in no position to dress beautifully and smile to people that 26 of November.

We have become so busy in our daily routine that we do not realise what we are losing. After the person is gone there is gonna be only regrets. Since then i ensure that i am in contact with my friends and i regularly check on them even if i have to travel to see them i make it a must to go.

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Dark November Ahead

https://www.lifeintext.com/journals/my-decision-to-leave

Since I've applied to another team. I was almost ready to go there. I was winding up my work, doing KTs to others.

Here in Adobe, hiring got freezed. And the position I applied for, could not be cleared. So, I'm back to current team. 

Suman informed me this, and the message was that team is happy to have you back.

I did not show any emotion, as I was getting little hint that this might happen. But, reality hit me after few days :)

Will write privately, as some people started reading this now!

My Internal Transfer Cancelled - Chaos

5:45 - Wake up. Went for milk. Did not get it, as bufallo's calf drank all milk :)

6:40 - Time to awake kids, get ready/bath Bhavika

5:30 - Came back home, time for Daksh's chess class

5:45 - Went for Daksh class along with him

6:00 - Reached there, dropped Daksh, went to society club where I dropped Daksh. 

Picked a book - Definition of Joy from some acharya.

7:20 - Came back from library, did little walk. Saw kids playing, trying to find joy :)

10:00 Took dinner, watched little movie. Ask kids to goto sleep

Full Busy Day

Today is mom's birthday. I've gifted her a new mobile phone. Her every phone was given by me :)

It looked good. I got a good deal on flipkart.

Today Mom's Birthday - Gifted Mobile

I'm realizing that this time its dead now.
I'm completely broken from inside. I'm feeling trapped by her family.
I see, even if I raise my voice. or I try to resolve the issue by a get-together of my parents, her parents. Nothing will come out. I don't want to die. But, I want peace in life.
She said, navratri aa rahe hain. Aise hi rehna hai kya. I did not reply anything to her.
Now, there is nothing left between her and me.
I did not even see her face properly from last 1 week.
I simply do not have the courage to take this big step of asking for divorce. But, I know one more big bad behavior from her side, and I'm done.

The Relationship with K is Dead

I noticed, everytime I goto my in-laws. I got acidity problem. Read my hectic September. 

This time, my vomiting started really bad. I also got loose motions. I took old medicines, and thinking I will get relief. But in midnight, I got vomiting again. I was having really bad headache.

I thought of going to Hospital. It was 1:30 AM.

I decided not to disturb anyone, left a message on whatsapp for Kanika, and left for Hospital. It was painful to drive that time. 

Anyhow, I reached hospital. Thankfully, I got the staff. They checked, and told that I was dehyderated much. They needed to put drip. I agree.

I told them, that I can be here till 6 only as I need to drop my kids to school. I did vomit there as well.

In morning, my alarm rang. I called the doctors, did billing formalities. I was feeling better. I reached home. I called Milk-wala that I can not come today.

Then, I let my kids awake, get them ready for school, and dropped them to school.

After Hectic Schedule - Worse Health - Hospital Admit

It was our brother-in-law retirement party. We had to go YamunaNagar. I had to miss my office party. On Friday, Ritesh from our office booked a cricket ground, and we played late till around 7. It was fun. So, we went on Saturday. Kids were having holiday on Monday, so I thought of being there till Monday. My parents love being with my kids.

My In-laws had bhagwad Gita program (8 days program). I told them, that I can not come for full program or both weekends. But, they insisted much. My wife wanted to go. So, we planned to go both weekends there.

When I returned from there, I got much vomiting. I had to take 2 days holidays from office.

Agani visit to In-laws, for ending of program. It was bhandara. Again, lot of fried food. And, this time my health got worsen that I had to admit to hospital.

And, on coming Monday, I had to visit to a death-ceremony program.

Hectic September - Too Much Travel

My father had to go there, in Gurgaon. Our Chacha ji shifted to Gurgaon few years before, from Panchkula. My father already had plans for some holiday trip. So, he can't go there. He was looking worried, as he was always a responsible person. He had to go there, I asked, I could also go there, if you want. He said, why not. When will my Son will come handy.

Week-1 to Yamunanagar, Week-2 to my in-laws, Week-3 to my in-laws.

I was already tired, as I came back last night only from Haridwar. I had to goto Gurgaon today. I chose to go there by Metro.

I took a Uber at 10:30 for Okhla Bird Metro, changed two metro. Quite a task. In between, one metro reversed in between. I didn't know that it was not going there. I did double round between some stations. Wasted my 30 mins.

I reached Cyber City metro station. Took an auto (old style). Dropped me to Kapashera border. Took another e-rickshaw to reach fun-and-food village. The venue was just in front of it.

I purchased some fruits. And went inside. It was awkward feeling meeting at someone's death to relatives which are distant relatives. Anyways, I also found Sunny (my cousin) there. I was almost with him there. 

I also met his brother-in-law, Dinkar. A Dev-ops engineer. Gave him some fundas.

I went back at 3. Now, took a local bus to reach Dwarka metro station. Then, to Botanical, then Taxi to home.

That day, I took almost all the public transport. It was like living old memories, it was fun and super tiring.

Then, I got a call from Kanika that its Daksh's class at 6. I was like, come on. Then, I went to drop Daksh just after sitting for 10 mins at home. 

In return, Daksh asked for Momos. He loves momos. We bought some, then some kids saw me. To whom I used to fed sometimes. They were asking for Chowmein. I saw, there were almost 10-15 kids, I refused first, then one of the kid really requested me. Also, Daksh said, buy them.

It cost me 700 Rs. But, it was always satisfying to buy food for poor kids.

Finally reached home at 8:30 PM. Had lunch, met my daughter. And, had a good sleep thereafter.

Visit to Chachi's Father's Death

Let me narrate his last few days schedule.

He took leaves for 12 days + weekends. No problem in that, everybody takes them. But who knew his leaving plans.

Phase-2 (11 June - 24 July) - Informal news about his resignation)

We came to know about his resignation, in an informal way. But, he conveyed this to management. And, he was dear to our beloved manager. He delayed his official resignation news till the time he got work visa. 

In this period, he did no work. He started giving his KT. Which lasted for only a week (MAX)

He was so dear to our manager that he even took his sabbatical before giving his official resignation. Just wow. For 6 weeks.

In the mean time, he gave his resignation, in between Sabbatical.

Nobody knows what he did in this time. 15th Sep was his last day. No KT, everything was done. 

What a way to leave office - Abusing Office Policies at Best - RJ

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Be myself

Nung bata ako ustong gusto ko ung ulan, pwede mong sabihin na gusto ko parin sya ngayon. Pero hindi na katulad nung dat due to being a grownup. Everytime its rain, I didnt listen to some music and sit on our balcony. Instead, I catch water leaks off the roof. Wla akong sariling kwarto so I use my lolas room to study. Her room had a big waterfall, kaya kapag umuulan need naming magwalis o magtimba at maghintay tumigil ang ulan. 

Thats why I invite my friends when its summer, not rainy months. Di ko ngarin sila naiinvite sa bahay kase tangina ung mga tao dun ang problema. Pero kung tutuusin parehas lang. I hate rain

I Hate Rain

Let me start writing my journey towards building startups or micro/nano-websites.

I started my career in 2007, where my starting salary was 18490 Rs, from NEC-HCL Noida. I was on cloud-9. As it was my dream to get a job, coming from a small town, where nobody guided me. It was the happiest day till that day in my life.

I got married in 2009, quite early. (Will write in separate thread about this). 

Then, I re-met my college friend Sushan Rungta. He was an outstanding guy since beginning. Anyway, he pitched me an idea to work on. At that time, he was working on clickindia.com

He introduced another friend of his, Deepanker Agarwal.  They were doing MBA together at that time.

He wanted to build an education-related website/portal where anybody could study. The idea was to include everything for every grade/class. And, Deepanker brought the name: "KG-se-PG". 

Its KG (Kindergarten) se(to) PG (Post-Graduate)

We registered domain, kgsepg.com (Although, its not with us anymore). We took an office on rent, in sector-63.

Remember my salary was around 25K at that time, with married life. And, I was involved in unknown territory. 

It was basically, slideshare.com of today.

So, it was born. We clicked some pics on that day. I will post the pics from my hard disk later.

We did hire an intern as well. Our role was as follows:

Deepanker, the marketing/business head. He brought really good ideas.

Sushan, in advisory role. Since he was involved in another companies. He did not want to get public.

And, our intern. I forgot his name. I fired him after 4-5 months.

I was a C++ developer then. And, Sushan introduced me to web technologies at that time. I had a full-time job, and recently married. I started learning Drupal (a CMS in PHP), CSS, web-servers, and lot of other things like SEO etc. I used to work till 3 AM in night. Then, office in morning.

When we took the office space. I used to go there straight after office.

We did hire a designer, and get our first design ready. It was an awesome design. I will see, if I still have that.

And, I did that live in few days. Designer was also surprised that we did it live in short span of time. I learnt a lot of things, did lot of automation.

Deepanker used to find content, put it live on website. 

I developed lot of things, some of them are:

A small app to show those flash pages, with browsable options

Then, any document to pdf/flash to images. We moved away from flash, then to images.

Steal any content from educational websites, like scrapping or downloading their public copies.

My Startup Kida - Madness Since 2009 - KGsePG.com

These days, I do not feel like doing anything. I waste time a lot.

May be its because there is no work at office. Its a wrong thing, thats why I decided to change.

But yes, I do want to retire from this rat-race.

Want to Retire!

Life was going so monotonous. I thought of meeting friends. Its hard to get everybody on time. But, luckily by calling few times, everybody decided to meet in Noida.

It was so good to see all of them: Gaurav Verma, Nikhil Murria, Ashish Sharma

Ashish was at his best. He is always like that. He is the CEO (Chief Entertainment Officer).

We talked a lot about college life, current life, we talked about working on some idea. We drank a lot of beer. Verma told them about my salary, they were happy and surprised. I paid the bill of around 9K.

It was really so good to see all of them. I felt like I was so happy after a long time. My cheeks were hurting, by continuously smiling.

Nikhil and Ashish talked about Bhola. haha, cant write about it.

We were there for a good 5-6 hours. We laughed, and we shared our lives. We forgot to share our personal lives and personal problems with anyone. And, with heavy heart, we left from there.

Old Friends Meet After Long-long time - Awesome Time

From continuation to My Decision to Leave 

Few days back, Suman came to me and asked whats going on. I told her that I'm not liking the work. She said, yes the work is not for your level. She acknowledged. She asked if I'm looking out for positions. I said Yes. I think she got a little shock. But, its a part of corporate life.

Today, I conveyed my selection to Suman. I also send message to Parminder. Suman was ready for it.

She had a meeting with Piyush that day. And, I got a message from Piyush. See

I was like come on, how come. You are acting like GOD. He knew that I will be looking for change. 

Since Piyush also left. But, this makes one  thing for sure that he left because of his growth. He should have become Director long back. But, security org has little scope for going up the ladder.

Well this small incidence raised some points for Piyush :)

Message from Piyush

Since the time Piyush has gone. I'm not able to find any reason to stay here. There is no work for me. I'm feeling like not-required. 

The more senior you become, more responbilities you got. I was not to find any such responsibility. Everybody was doing their work. There was no work for my level. My skills are getting waste, I wasn't learning anything at all. 

I think many other people are also getting frustrated, due to quality of work. I also realized, I'm not doing any real work from last around 1 year.

I've decided to look out for other open positions inside Adobe. I also thought of going out. But, it takes lot of time in study. I did not want to study all data structure from ground-zero.

I thought of looking for internal positions. I found few, and talked to few.

I gave interview for Praveen's team. Ajay's team gave me a yes without any interview.

I was confused, but it looked to be good. Work is good.

My decision to Leave

So far, we haven't asked Daksh to bring some stuff for house from a shop, by himself.

Yesterday, I asked him to get a packet of Poha from the society shop. He was excited, and kept smiling by thinking about it. He feels good by doing responsible things.

I gave him the money, ask to bring Rajdhani Poha, count the change, come back. If found any trouble, just come back, do not go outside the shopping arcade.

Inside, I was also worried about him. He went well, and brought it well. 

He felt proud. But, the thing is that the Poha he brought was having lot of worms. It was none of his mistake, its due to the weather, these things are caught by worms.

Daksh training - Get Stuff from market #firsttime

Girls love their fathers. My girl surely did.

She gets never irritated from me. She always want to be with me.

On holidays, I used to work in other room. She usually sleeps from 3-6 daily. These days, she wake up at around 4 and come to me, and sleep near me. She hold my hand, and slept. I just loved her presence and the love she does is unmatchable.

Papa's Girl - True Lines

As RahulB also announced his resignation. We were invited to a meeting by Parminder in morning. Only direct reportees of Piyush.

I thought, it must be a project update meeting. i went to Piyush about the agenda. He kind of ignored. We went to meeting.

As we were going, Suman gave a smile and said something which gave some fishy feeling. Meeting started. Ashish also joined online. We were, Vaibhav, Ashish, Me. Parminder said, Piyush also gave his resignation. We were shocked. I looked at Piyush, he smiled. 

They asked us to keep it private untill mail arrived. But, how can one hide news like this. Vaibhav told almost everyone. That day, we had a lunch party. I also told Parag. He was also shocked.

I was not doing anything much, everything was handled by you people. I was not learning much. His reasons were almost similar to RahulB. 

It was unbelievable news, difficult to absorb. In 1-2 days, everybody came to know about this. And, nobody actually worked for that week. 

People were gathered in a meeting room, and were just discussing this. Everybody was openly talking about leaving. 

Few days back, Piyush was asking everyone about not to leave. Kind of taking note of everyone. Now, he himself resigned. 

Suman is the obvious most beneficial person after this news. RahulB/Ruchir/Piyush resigned almost together. She is the obvious choice for his predecessor. But, her style of management is different. The road will be tough for her. 

And, it will be very hard time for Suman to fill that gap. As everybody will try to compare her decisions with Piyush. But, its true that our life is also very difficult after Piyush.

Piyush also announced resignation - Team Switch - Unexpected happened

So, RahulB also resigned and he is doing a team switch in DX. It was a big news as he was one of key member of our team.

There are rumours whenever someone leaves. 

I want something new to learn, I was not learning anything here. Things are constant.

So, after so much calculations. We have some other theories.

There are lot of changes in top management in security, that there are some ego issues.

There were some hot email exchanged between him and management. Looks like, nobody was liking him. They stopped replying to Rahul's email.

Anyway, he was a nice person. And, he provided really helpful insights to projects. Although, he had some temper issues. He sometimes unnecessarily disturbed lot of people, caused panic situations unnecessarily.

RahulB Resigned - Team Switch

ggoogogog

Yesterday, I came to know that RJ is leaving. I felt relieved, with mixed feelings. 

This single man has destroyed PS's team single handedly. I can count people who left the company just because of him. I too, left the project because of him. And, was about to leave the team for second time.

And, now he himself going out. That should be a good relief sign in team. Lot of people must be happy to hear this.

If I had to keep a memory of him, it must be that he took good care of his father. I don't want to remember him for his wrong work ethics, the politics, the rudeness, and bla-bla. 

He was such a negative person. I used to avoid him every single time. He did direct or indirect politics with me, with too cheap actions too.

Once he asked in serious tone, that what is the difference between linked-list and array. I found his fundamentals always low. If you see his code written, you would rather want to delete that code. Long long functions, hard coding, .... OMG.

I was much bullied by him in my initial days at Adobe. I saved some people from his bulliness. 

I will write in details, about his cheap politics that he did.

But, I'm too happy that he is leaving the team. I hope positive days will come.