Yesterday night, I was having suicidal thoughts again. I mean, there was no life. I can not talk to her, she is always in fight mode. Yesterday, I went at 7:30, prepared tea by myself. I played with kids.
In night, at around 5AM, I started having abdonimal pain. And, suicidal thoughts were coming. I was so frustrated, and thinking to kill myself. My health was too bad.

Suicidal thoughts again

Daksh learned https://www.photopea.com/, and learnt it quite fast. Its like Photoshop. I do not even know how to work on Photoshop. But, he learnt it well.

Daksh made Drawing - Happy Diwali

Its my daily duty to wake him up for school. In Covid time, its at around 7:15 AM. But, before that it was at around 6:30 AM.

The pain is not in waking up early because of him. I usually wake-up at around 6AM. But, he takes so much time to wakeup and put his feet on ground. Sometimes, it took somewhere around 10-15 minutes. It disturbs my schedule as well. 

He talks rude. This makes me angry, and I finally left and ask him to wakeup at whatever time you want. Then, he wakeup by himself. Not a single instance, that when I left he didn't wake-up. But, it feels very bad to listen to his rude replies.

Sometimes he says, remove my name from school. He said, I will email to principal to remove my name :)

He takes time to wake-up. Rarely it happens that he wakes up in few minutes and with a smile.

But, its not a complaint. It is just a memory. I love him, and he knows that.

Big Pain - To Awaken Daksh Each Morning

So, today I had to go to the following work:

I drank milk, and went to work without any breakfast.

I purchased cleaning stuff first and went to the flat. The work was going so slow, I don't think we can shift to flat.

I then went to the IGL office, where I asked the formalities needed and where can I get the affidavit. I then, went to the authority office for the affidavit, came back. The lady then asked me to get the signature of Kanika as she was the co-owner. I said, I will do it. She said, no. She said, take this form, get it signed by your wife and courier to us. I thought, its a long process. I asked, do I also need her ID. She said No. I tried my luck, I said she is sitting in the car, let me go for her signature.

I went out for few seconds, did her signature and came back. She knew I did it by myself, still she took it. Relax. Its done,

I then went to a shop where Kanika asked the shopkeeper to prepare our stuff. But, he has not prepared it. I had to wait. I then asked him that I have other work and I went for electrical stuff.

After that, I came back and get it loaded into the car.

I then went to Sector-9, searching for shops. I found one where I can find Le-Grand switches. I gave him the list, and he was preparing my order. At the end, he gave an amount to which I said, I will do Google-Pay. He said it will come to my account. I said so what, you are the business and you should pay taxes. He said, he will need to pay taxes. I said, by asking for more money you are taking taxes from customers, not paying by yourself.

I was so pissed off, and stood from there saying that I have wasted my time here. Let me know if you are doing it. The bill was for 12700 Rs and he asked for 800 Rs more. I offered that I could do it 13000, else I'm going. They agreed.

On returning, I get the items off-loaded in the flat and went back to the house. Where I first took the lunch. I was so hungry. I had to meet Abdul, but couldn't meet as I was feeling tired and slept.

Went to market for so long with no food

I've been thinking of divorce. Yesterday night, I watched few videos of divorce. How to take, about kids. Effect on kids.
Whenever, I think of separation, I think of kids. I can not stay. away from kids. But, when she does her usual anger stuff, I felt so frustrated that I feel my life is also important. I also saw importance of sex in marriages. We have no sex life. I do not remember last when we had sex.&nbsp;
I learned that kids do also suffer in a bad atmosphere. It's better to take divorce than stay in an unhealthy relationship. Kids also saw us fighting. What they will learn about relationships.
I feel that I'm just a few steps away from taking this decision. I'm feeling so intolerable of her.&nbsp;
She is so dominating that I feel suffocated.&nbsp;

I'm thinking of Divorce

This is hopefully a new beginnings of things to come. I started listening to Jordon Peterson shortly after my 2nd Wedding Anniversary when Aravindan recommended me a video of him. Coincidently, my wife also decided to gift me one of his books - 12 Rules of Life, based on recommendation from Prakhar about him; but at the last moment, she decided not to get it. Its surprizing enough that he's been an internet sensation for the past 4/5 years, & I haven't come across him. I guess there had to be a fateful event for this. 

I lean towards the right when it comes to moral & societal views. I find it practical & comforting. After years of being in revolutionary mode in my 20s, I understood that evolution is what is possible & not revolution. Also, evolution takes time. Evolution happens at individual level, in smaller units of society & not larger chunks of society say at a country level. At some point I decided that any changes that I wanted to see, first I should live to the change & then try to assert influence within my family. 

That's about me. The spectrum from where Jordon Peterson comes from got me attracted to him at once. He's one of the most articulate persons I've heard out there. If there's controversy surrounding him, surely there's something that he's saying right. I'm not bothered about all the woke nonsense anyways. While this happened, I also came across the book from James Clear - Atomic Habits. I read this book as though I were reading a textbook for some examination - which involved taking notes & discussing the themes examined in it. The whole book went around what he calls it the Habit Loop - CUE, CRAVING, RESPONSE & REWARD. After I finished reading the book, I got filled with hope. Lots of hope. I crave change & this change will be atomic. I hope the energy that I draw out of it will truly be atomic in its nature & indeed powerful. 

Thus, this is a new beginning - of things to come. I want to start writing everyday, & I found this wonderful website. Looking forward to more things here. 

New Beginnings

Devansh called me, to have casual chit-chat. Our talk was due since last Sunday.

He always has all the updates from our team. He already left Adobe and joined Microsoft. But, he knew about everybody even now. He gave me knews that Prakhar selected into Microsoft and Google and he is joining Google. I was like, WOW.

He was telling me that you should also try as they are hiring at much higher pace and is giving good salary. It was very tempting to listen.

I listened, and told him my view point and my vision of my future.

I told him that I'm not going to change anymore, Read more here. 

I was very clear in explaining my perspective and my thoughts. He understood it very clearly, and respected it. 

I know, its very tempting to see when everybody around you are going to big companies, and you can also do better. But, I want to take a pause from this rat race.

I'm reading a book: "Psychology of Money", and there I read that we should stay away from social race.  And, I know I'm earning decent enough that I do not need to go anywhere else. Work life balance is dawm good here. So, why do I leave? Just for social pressure?

I'm happy for Prakhar. He is a brilliant guy.

I told him, that my long term goal is not this. I even suggested him to meet at regular frequencies to discuss any ideas that we might have, and may be we can make it big. We have decent amount to bootstrap our ideas. He liked the idea. Lets see, how we can materialize it.

Prakhar selected into Google - Talk with Devansh

I'm working in Adobe systems, drawing a decent salary. Actually way more than I spend. 

My prespective about life has changed a bit. I'm fedup of this salary and rat race culture. I was actually frustrated since long in my current job.I tried studying multiple times. I couldn't clear companies in which I was interested. It is very difficult with load of work and kids at home that I can do anything else.

This year as well, I started preparing myself for the interviews. I do believe in hard work, and I do not afraid of doing hard work. But, one thing stuck. What am I doing? What if I goto some other big name, I would be earning little more that my current salary. What after that? What if I also started feeling same as now?

And, I'm actually fedup of this corporate culture. I think I can do better. I decided to build something for the future. Something that can give me fuel to run my remaining life. I'm good in building things, software, web etc.

I decided not to look for any change further, and starting building something of my own. Be it some passive income, or being teacher, or doing freelancing etc. But, not job.

I'm very confident this time that I can do better with this. I do believe, that there is no limit of earning. I know the days when I used to earn so little. I was living even then. I'm slaving myself to the salary. I'm doing shitty work sometimes at work just for salary. 

I want to live life, on my terms now. Lets set a goal for myself to be retire from job by. year 2026.

My Decision of Future

I had an off today from office, which I did not tell at home.

I wasted that complete day by just watching useless facebook videos. I did few stock market classes, but they were not useful. Overall, a wasted day.

In morning, Kanika went to our flat where Sudhir came for first time, for carpenter work.

Once she came back, she was in no mood to prepare lunch. We ordered a Pizza that Daksh loved it. We ordered two pizzas, one that Daksh loves, second that Bhavika can eat. There is no room for our choices :(

In evening, we got our stuff for carpenter like boards, ply etc. Those stuff was not going through lift. Guard was also troubling them. I had to go there. Me and Daksh went there by cycle.

They had to load those heavy boards by their own through stairs.

I entered the flat, and saw the progress by POP work on walls. The walls were butter smooth by their work, it was awesome to see that. The flat is looking nice. It gives a feeling of a wider/open flat.

A wasted day

My old macbook was giving some trivial problems from past few weeks. The problems were like:

Some keys were pressed multiple times by one press. This caused major issue. Example: I was pressing single key to close browser tab. It closed multiple tabs.

Once in a month types, laptop shutdown without warning

Although, everything was working fine. Those were not the issues for which I personally buy a new laptop. But, the problems were really frustrating me sometimes.

Piyush(My manager) posted in our group, whether someone in need to replace their old out of warranty machines or problematic hardware.

I raised a service desk request for my laptop issues after that. The support guy straight away told me that your laptop was out of warranty, and I suggest you to raise request for new hardware. I conveyed same to Piyush. And, it got approved within few minutes. I was like, WOW.

And, would you believe, in evening, I got a call that they want to deliver the laptop to my home. I could not believe. I mean, such a ffast service.

Next day, 12:30 PM, I got the laptop in my hands. Thanks Adobe.

Got my new Macbook from Office

It was my quarterly feedback from Suman. We had a 1:1 meeting. I was not expecting good words from her, some intuitions.

You are doing good, infact very good. You have taken the ownership. You know whom to talk, how to talk, whom to involve. You are fetching people contact outside team as well. Thats good.

You are handling Shriya, Parag with nno conflicts. Thats good. 

You are asking people to take care of work, be it Parag or Mudit. 

You are looking after bigger picture of project. You are deciding which tech stack to choose, which LB, DB, infra, git etc.

You are doing good code reviews, there are always some comments. And, people are doing those changes.

You have prepared very nice document, that contained details. We normally doesn't do documents.

You have taken ownership of USB data validation, thats good. You are doing it with good responsibility.

1. Help us to kickstart the project. First cut of project. First cut is difficult, then team will handle. After that, you might be involved in other project.

2. Make an impact on external world, like write blog on security, ticketing, think of patents, think of new technologies, think of doing security belts etc.

3. Ensure team follows best practices, like PR review, branches standardization, PR templates, deployment workflow etc.

I was not expecting lot of good words. But, it was lot more than expectation.

I got quarterly Feedback - Checkin with Suman

Daksh had to speak on one of the Nobel Prize winners. We choose Albert Einstein.

Albert was a mathematician and physicist.

He won Nobel prize in 1921 and won the Copley Medal in 1925.

He won Nobel price for his explanation of Photo-electric effect.

I chose him because he was very smart in Maths and Physics.

Albert Einstein was born in March 14, 1879, Germany.

He faced lot of trouble in his childhood financially.

He also loved  to play classical music and violin.

After his death, doctors removed his brain for study.

They found that the area which is responsible for 3d visualization and mathematics was 15% wider than people who have normal intelligence.

Daksh's preparation for Nobel Prize Winner - Albert Einstein

My parents were here for a quick visit. They stayed here for around 10 days. They went back today.

They booked a bla-bla car, which is really a fantastic service. He was so confused on picking up which timing. I had to leave my running meeting in the middle to drop them. But, its ok.

Papa badly wanted both the kids to drop them. The time for the car was: 5:20 PM. Bhavika was sleeping. Papa went in the room and said something to Bhavika to which she wake up. But she slept soon.

So, when we were standing in front of the lift, I was almost iside the lift. I heared Bhavika's cry. I went inside, and took her with us as well. Papa was happy. Kanika was not :)

So, we reached there, and dropped them. Bhavika started crying, seeing her grand parents were going. All right. Bhavika cried 3-4 times while returning as well. She said cutely: "My Amma, My Baba ji".

I asked Daksh, aren't you feeling sad. He said, OK-OK. He never expressed himself. He really loves their company. Last. time, he cried badly. I haven't seen him lately cried for someone.

Parents went back. Overall a nice memory

Today, Rishab also left. I wrote his farewell notes, if I get a chance to speak.

Soft spoken guy. Chhota sa lagta tha, but he is close to 30!!

very dedicated. He should keep learning new things.

Hubble was a completely different domain from Bast. I think he did pretty well.

Apart from work, we discussed about smart watches, kahan ghumna hai.

But, couldn't get a chance to speak as people were just talking randomly this time. This is another person from Suman's team left.

Rishabh also Left Suman's team

It was Rishabh engagement, and we went there along with my parents, in a happy mood. Everything was going good. I was meeting people, handling kids. She was with mom.&nbsp;
She kept taunting, you are ot bringing anything for me to eat. I said, I also did not take anything. Waiters are roaming, take it from them. It continued.
At one moment, she came to me and asked for few photographs. I clicked few selfies of us. We went ahead at some other place for pics. I started clicking her solo pics.&nbsp;
I said, lets go. Ho gaya. She said in rudely voice, kahan hua, meri to ek bhi photo click nahi hui. I said, tab se tumahri hi to photo click kar raha hun. She continued talkig rudely. A guard was standing there, and was listening to her taunts. I said, he is listening and why are you creating a scene out of nothing. She just walk away.
And, after that my mood was also upset. I did not talk to her after that. I did not want to even sit with her.
I saw couples, saying nice things. In a lovingly tone. She only knows how to talk rude, and in a bossy way.

Its Rishabh's engagement and she fought again for no reason

My parents are here in Noida for few days. And, Kanika showed her real colors again. Not a single time, that she showed her behavior in front of them. She kept her close in her room. She came out only at the time of food preparation. Always scolding kids.
Today, parents said they will go on Friday. I wanted to cry in front of them, asking for help. That, please save me from Kanika. I do not want to live with her. I can not tolerate her. Why did you forced me to marry at such a small age. Why you never asked, how I'm living with her. They know her behavior problem.&nbsp;
I'm feeling so helpless sometimes. I generally avoid toxic people in life, whether in office or outside. I do not entertain them much. But, how can I escape from a person with whom I'm living in a house.&nbsp;
I never ever forced her to do anything. She always forced things, her taunts kills me from inside.&nbsp;

I want to cry in front my parents

Since so many days, I wanted to call to few relatives and friends. I did not miss it today.

I called my BigB, and did a casual chit-chat. I did tell him the work going on in my flat. I also did talk to Bhabhi ji. I'm glad I did that. 

Next was Abhinav. I called him to close the website work that he was doing for Ankit. This time, I clearly conveyed my unhappiness over not attending the meeting on time that I fixed last time. I told him, I was unhappy with both of you. But, now its your responsibility to finish this, I'm not involved in this anymore. And, we did few technical chit-chat. It ended on good note.

It was Sachin's birthday (one of my old friend from YNR). I did not have his number, I messaged him on facebook and he gave me his number. I called him. It was a good feeling talking to him. Its been so many years. I remember, last time I talked to him regarding Tinu (who did took my money in wrong way). And, Sachin was also not helping me as he was living near to him. Anyway, I felt happy talking to him.

Next, I called Chacha ji. For first full or minute, he was just saying: "Aaj kaise kar liya". I just smiled, and wondering did you call? It also felt good talking to him. It was a regular chit-chat. He continuously told me I think you called me for some work, you did not call me just like that. I was like, come on. Its a usual call. It was also a good call.

I also called Ankit. He usually never called by himself (Very rarely). I called him just like that and to tell him that finish your website work fast. He picked my call and said that he will call later. And, he did not call that day, until now (next day). I was super angry to him because of that. He always does that, and thinks he is super busy in this world. Super non-professional. Actually, non-sense behavior.

Calls to relatives/friends after long time

OMG, I've been waiting for this since so many days.

Today was also another day, when the fabricator promised to deliver the railing. I went there at 3:30 in another hope. And, to see rest of the work going on in the flat.

The work was going in full swing, it is just that the whole house is in mess. Its all dirty, thanks to our contractor.

My eyes were all on the main gate, continuously searching for the railing. In few minutes, I saw lot of guards were looking at our flat. I was afraid, as what if they will again ask for FMG. I prayed so much at that time. I could see the guy was waiting for guards to give them clearance. I could see, the main guard talking to someone on phone. I was really afraid what if he will not allow now. I could see, he is shaking his head. May be on our railing, or on something else.

After about 5 mins, one of labour went down. The guy must have called him to come down. I was just continuously praying. I was watching the whole scene closely.

Fially, I could see the two labourers lifted the railing and entered in the premise. Oh, I was relaxed. Untill the railing could enter in the flat, I was in so much tension.

When it entered our flat. It was like, something precious thing coming. I wanted to touch it. 

Now, its all settled. But, now I'm worried about the installation. I hope they will not put any more issues in that.

I have to get premission for welding work tomorrow.

Finally the railing is inside

I was on the peak of break. I just couldn't handle Kanika.It was in the month of October/November 2020. Adobe has a service where we can talk to some professionals where we can discuss our personal problems.I mentioned that I have suicidal thoughts, in troubled marriage. Need assistance. We did setup a meeting time.So, for the first time, I was discussing my troubled marriage with someone unknown.It was a lady. She listened to some of my problems. I told her, its becoming untolerable, and because of kids I'm not able to think about divorce. I narrated her few instances.&nbsp;She advised me to take divorce. As, being in a bad relation will affect both of us, and kids will also be affected by our fights. She explained it well. And, I was 60% convinced. She told me that Kanika can also come and meet her either 1:1 or both of us with her.&nbsp;I came back home stressed. Next day, I had booked an office for single day, as it was becoming difficult for me to stay at home. In the morning, I told her straight away, that I discussed with a counsellor, and she advised to take divorce.Her face changed in a moment. When I told her, if you are going to be like this, we are separating. She started crying. I left.I thought, what a change. Few days back, how rudely she was behaving with me and was in favor of separation. <a href="https://www.lifeintext.com/journals/she-lost-all-my-respect-she-was-in-favor-of-separation">Read this</a>.&nbsp;&nbsp;I was really surprised that she is upset listening to this. As, few days back she was very comfortable.&nbsp;<h2>Evening, plan change</h2>As I came back from office. I was kind of charged my thought, again because of kids.I told her, I was restless. She said something. We again thought of mending our ways of living.

Meeting with a Counsellor regarding troubled marriage

Kanika was becoming unbearable day by day. We were coming from Bhavika's vaccination.
While returning, we fought back in car. She made me so much frstrated. I yelled.
She recorded my anger, said few words. Stop recording it. And said BC. Wow.
I again told about getting separated. She told that I will get all 50%, sab milta hai aajkal ladies ko. 1 bache ko tum rakh lena.

I was wondering, wow. She might have see some article on internet. But, she looked confident.&nbsp;
But, she lost all my respect. Whatever respect she had till that date. As, she always used to be very independent. Now, she is like a gold digger.
I said, now where is your self-dependence (Atma nirbharta)

She lost all my respect, she was in favor of separation

After https://www.lifeintext.com/journals/omg-she-needs-weekend-to-fight.-i-had-to-raise-my-voice-to-stop-her,

How stupid we people are. I mean, marrying someone is the biggest decision of anyone's life. Its bigger than getting a job, bigger than getting a promotion, bigger than everything else. As you have to deal with it every single day.
If the The person to whom you are marrying, is the one you know or you love. Its heaven. Its not like love marriages doesn't end with divorce. But, at least its a decision that two people takes.
I'm feeling so trapped now, and terrible and frustrated. I agreed to marry a girl to whom I just met for an hour. That too, where I was just giving answers to her questions and probably asking some stupid questions. How come that one hour decide my entire life, for at least 50 years.
No, it can not decide that.
I've been married for 12 years, and as I grow more. I'm feeling like why I did take that decision.&nbsp;
<h2>The problem</h2>
We are not at all compatible. I do not want to bring the points that I hate about her. Its only about compatibility. We do not have anything in common. Our parents forced us and we agreed.
I did get golden chances to break our relation before marriage. How stupid I was. And, I did not discuss with anyone.
Its very important to have some close friends or at least someone to whom you share something personal. I never shared anything with anyone. Probably, that someone could force me not to marry this girl.
<h2>Why not leave now</h2>
I'm trapped with my beautiful kids. I just can not leave them. I know how wonderful our legal system is. She would take custody of at least one child. I can not live without anyone of them. Going away from my kids, makes me sad. There was a time, when I discussed with one of counsellor. And, she advised me to take divorce. As, its the best decision for my kids too. And, I almost decided. But, no. I melted.
I know, if I chose to live away from her. It would be the greatest decision of my life. In the end, its my life. And, what is the point, if I live it with full of sadness in life.
I do not talk to her much, and try to avoid almost any kind of conversation. She tried a lot to talk to me. I'm just so much fed up with her.
I can not discuss anything with her. I mean, we are not at all compatible. I never forced, or impose anything on her. She wants to be my boss every single time.
<h2>Thoughts</h2>
I don't think I will ever be take decision of going away from her. But, I do think about going away alone sometime, when my kids will go for higher studies or later.
I'm so successful today. But, what is the point when I'm not happy from inside.

Frustrated!

She is developing a new habit of fighting with Daksh. She constantly annoyed with Daksh. When he does't play, she complait about not playing. When he plays, she complained about how he plays. Come on, he is just 9 years old. And, she has so much expectations from him.
From last few nights, we constantly sleep after listening her abuses and anger. I was listening to some night meditation music, I couldn't as she didn't stop shouting on Daksh for unnecessary things. Daksh is naughty, but thats the way he is.
I feel very bad from Daksh's point of view. In the whole day, he had to listen a lot from her. I also shout on him. I remember, around 80% of the times, I shouted on Daksh because of her. I mean, I see he is playing. But as he makes noise. This irks her usually.
Today morning, he wake up. I do not know why she started shoutig on him again. And, it lasted untill I told her, what happened.&nbsp;
I asked her: What happened. He is our child. Why are you keep on yelling at him since night. Her reply, he is so annoying, doesn;t listen. Look at other kids, all are so smart and obidient. I stopped her, saying every child is unique. She just left. But she stopped after that (for few times)

Her constant fight with Daksh, so irritating for me

We were out in market to buy tiles. We got late. Daksh is really helping us these days, by being brave and responsible. He agrees to remain at home along with Bhavika. She takes care of Bavika when she wake up.

Usually, Daksh do something that caused Bhavika to wake up early. Either by his TV or tablet sound.

In the meantime, Bhavika wake up and she did potty. Our dear Daksh helped her cleaning it. I remember its the second time, he did it. It was a big help.

Daksh helped Bhavika clean 

I don't know, how much I prayed GOD for this. I lost few of my sleep because of this. I regret my decision of buying this flat because of this.

Today, the guy promised that he will bring the railing. The main hurdle is that Jaypee guards should let it come in. Its the main hurdle. I'm in so much tension.

The fabricator guy is so useless that he refused even today. Come on. Its been so many days, I think around 15 days. I'm listening from Ramesh, that he promised today, now after 2 days, after 2 days. I warned Ramesh that I had a bad experience with the same guy. How can these people do their work.