I'm incredibly sad and lonely. I feel like my heart hurts and my soul hurts and that I just want to die. I'm so hurt by so much.. I feel like I'm not even here like I'm so distant from whoever or whatever I am. My mind isn't clear it feels so heavy and burdened. It's clogged up and I just want to sleep. I don't even want to eat and that's the one thing I usually do when I'm depressed but this is not my usual or normal depression, it's so much worse than that. I hate everything so much.&nbsp;

8th June 2024

Love doesn't exist outside of fiction, not for people like me. I wouldn't say I've done anything inherently bad, but I'm no saint either. I used to be a bit of a slut, when I was just a young girl, fourteen maybe. After I was raped at twelve I really didn't give two fucks about myself. I once left the front screen door unlocked a two year old I was looking after escaped her cot and went walking down the road in just a nappy. I've ghosted countless of people because I didn't want to get attached to them but also didn't have the guts to tell them I couldn't be close to them or break up with them.&nbsp;I've lied about a lot of things to people because it's made me sound interesting. Because if people knew the real me they'd realise I'm just nothing but a boring bag of trauma. I don't have hobbies, I don't have a social life, I don't have money, fame or anything else another may want in someone. I don't have family or the need for sex. Basically, I'm not particularly the ideal candidate for anyone, not to mention I'm obese and so mentally ill that I can't stand my own company.&nbsp;I spend most of my time questioning if I'm too far gone to be forgiven by a God that I'm not sure I even believe in since I'm more drawn to things like paganism or Buddhism but not enough that I can commit to either.&nbsp;Love doesn't exist outside of fiction.. especially not for people like me, because I can't even learn to love myself.&nbsp;I didn't exactly come from loving roots. A father who abandoned me, an alcoholic drug addict mother that constantly had abusive boyfriends living with us. It was always rough growing up when your mother would have food for the cats and money from drugs, alcohol and cigarettes but never enough to feed me more than boiled cabbage and whatever bottom of the barrel meat that she could get.&nbsp;She wasn't a good mother. When I made my first suicide attempt she called me stupid and smacked my head but that was all. I had been sexually abused only a few months before at aged twelve and she hadn't been there for any kind of comfort.&nbsp;Before, I mentioned that I was a liar, but my childhood and the abuse that happened as I got older too was something I never lied about, most of the time I've tried to hide it in fact because it only further concretes how fucked up I am. It's not exactly things you want to tell people because you know that they'll just look at you like some damaged "hell no" person.&nbsp;Either that or they'll use it to their advantage and manipulate you and hurt you further, as two exes of mine did. One of them took everything I had and sold it for drugs and the other was an alcoholic abusive asshole who knew just what to do and say to keep me in that situation for as long as I was useful.&nbsp;I've been misdiagnosed with different mental illnesses pretty much since I was sixteen, I am now thirty-seven and it's been confirmed between psychiatrist, therapists, counsellors and social worker that I am chronically depressed, &nbsp;have borderline personality disorder and extreme anxiety.&nbsp;I hate the term borderline personality disorder. It's just one of those things that people misinterpret. They think you're a psycho or out to intentionally hurt people. What most ignorant people don't know is that there's different types of BPD and I am the self sabotager. I'll care immensely for anyone I do have around me, love, care, respect and want to help them but myself? I wish I could kill myself. I want to hurt myself, I want to cut myself, I want the absolute worst for myself because that's what I believe I deserve.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;

5th June 2024

When you become a parent you lose sense of everything that you were and are. You become this shell of a human that can't remember what your favourite movie was, boxes of hobbies you used to have remain stacked somewhere gathering dust and you can't remember the last time you even showered without being bombarded with every question known to man as soon as you open the door.&nbsp;Unless you can afford help or have a person that's taking half the load, this is the fate of a parent. You are no longer anyone, just your child's parent and that's all. As time goes on and your child become a teenager and then an adult and suddenly you are no longer a full time parent or responsible for everything they do, say, want and need, you find yourself questioning now what? You have to rediscover yourself all over again but for people like me, for those that have decided that there is no future, you count down the days until your child can go travelling, or has their own home and family so that you can end it all. Of course it doesn't help that I'm incredibly mentally ill and have been since I was 16. As grateful as I am for my children, as much as I love them and would protect them with my last dying breath, being a parent has drained my soul. Being alone has drained my heart. Having no help, having no one has broken me and I can no longer see a future.&nbsp;

April 10 2024

now, as stupid as this question might sound.. i can't help with it.&nbsp;you know how the world is now, "overstimulated". i don't think i have to explain what overstimulation means. with all this content here and there, more then just the needs, it quite easy to get lost on them. when was the last time you enjoyed silence? or even sitting alone, not doing anything. can't remember? obviously you can't. because we all are "too busy" to even feel our heart beating.&nbsp;i think, in this overstimulated world, we are losing ourselves. now, you probably know about the hype of "self improvement". i mean, nothing bad with that but the online gurus. i don't think that in order to improve yourself you have to wake up at like 5am, spend 2 hours in the gym and all the hustle culture. it's rubbish if you ask me. because is something works for you doesn't mean that it will work the same for other person. if waking up at 5am and hitting the gym for 2 hours works for you, it might not work for me but waking up at 7am, and half an hour of yoga might do. same with everything else. if you think that mint choco is the best icecream flavour out there.... well, i do not think so, it taste like toothpaste.so coming back to the question, who are you? the one who is consistently being influenced? by media, social media, family, friends, etc. if you were to be alone somewhere where no one is but you, for like an year.. what will you do? how will you think and act. will you care about how you are looking, or what time is it or your other responsibilities as person.&nbsp;try sitting alone, into the boredom rathen them mindless scrolling. who knows if it might open more things to you that even you don't know about..&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;--the thumbnail is from a music video "spinning globe" by kenshi yonezu (give this song a try if you want)

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who are you? 

Growing up I always felt this burden of being perfect. My parents were perfectionists and everytime we don't do things right, we get called (negative) names. I am the third child in our family, I have two older sisters and a younger sister. The eldest and I have 4-year age gap; my older sister and i have 11 months gap; and the youngest and I have 8 year gap. Just by this, I think you get the gist of how my life is. Starting at a young age, I developed this so thing which I called “mask”, it is how I do things accordingly to haw people expect me, but then this became such a burden that I can no longer do it. I stopped pretending, suddenly everything fell apart. My friends were kinda draining, so i started distancing myself. My family was no better, they give negative feedbacks to everything. Then, pandemic came. I shut myself from the world. I felt relieved, it was soothing, I felt like a new person. But then, my family started calling me a black sheep, some who's full of misfortune, miserable, and everything else. I started getting low grades, although i did not fail they were disappointed simply because i was no longer the top of the class. Everything just stopped making sense, I started to fight back. I talked back to my family, I don't let my sister degrade me, my friends think that I'm unapproachable and everytime we have to form a grouping I am left out. I transfered schools, due to financial instability. From private school I was transfered to a public school. New people, new environment. I became too conscious of everyone and everything that I never talked at school except for recitations. it took me 2 whole months to gain new friends and it was cool they were accepting although the high expectations were still there as I became the top of the class. my parents were proud again as they could post my acccomplishment, I still feel not comfortable around them. I can talk comfortably only to my little sister because she likes me a lot, both of our parents were working so since then we were always left together we were partners in crime despite our 8-year gap. I got too immersed in writing this that I forgot what i was typing about…. upon this day I am still finding myself and I want to tell everyone that it surely takes time so be patient and try to find things you do for yourself not for others. Love yourself as nobody could ever do that better. Take care!

do you feel like you're just pretending too?

<h2>Company: Happiest Health</h2><h4>Minutes of the meeting</h4>04-08-2023, 14.00 – 15.00<h3>Feedback on the productivity of July</h3><ul><li>In July, the writers were successful in achieving their goals. To know the metrics, please refer to Mayank's Excel sheet that was presented in the meeting.</li><li>The team received positive feedback from Amazon and IT Madras, as well as Dinakaran, so kudos to us!</li><li>Congratulations to the team for their excellent work and design! In all aspects, including online copies, magazines, social media posts, newsletters, and reels, the team has been hitting the mark since June. Let's continue to maintain this high standard.</li></ul><h3>Writer metrics</h3><ul><li>Writers will be evaluated based on the number of page views their articles receive.</li><li>We understand that it can be challenging to attract views, so we are committed to identifying and addressing any pain points.</li><li>Writers are expected to produce a minimum of eight stories per month.</li><li>Writers are encouraged to start focusing on creating engaging reels.</li></ul><h4>Raghu’s new motto: DON’T ASSUME, DON’T SULK, ASK!</h4>&nbsp;<h3>Feedback from Raghu: This has already been conveyed numerous times.</h3><ul><li>Plan ahead.</li><li>A lot of times, writers fail to conduct sufficient research, which can lead to unclear visions for their stories.</li><li>The story that comes later should align with the initial brief.</li><li>Starting from September 1st, it is required for everyone to have a bank of stories ready for two weeks.</li><li>Team Leaders (TLs) will not follow up for any overdue stories.</li><li>If any member goes on holiday, TLs should not be expected to cover their work. It is important to be mindful of this.</li><li>Whenever there’s feedback given by TLs or desk please don’t sulk, critical feedback will always help you improve.</li><li>Kindly reach out to Raghu or TLs if there’s any issue instead of discussing it amongst yourselves.</li><li>Please help TLs reduce their burden, we’re all in this together.</li><li>Do not delay revising stories for too long. Be patient, learn, and collaborate.</li></ul><h3>Other updates:</h3><ul><li>Anirudh is being moved to Alnoor’s team</li><li>THIS IS THE BEST ORGANISATION TO WORK WITH.</li><li>Please refer to the email from Veena regarding the timelines for the magazine, and make sure to follow them strictly.</li><li>If you wish to view your organic views (online stories), please contact Alnoor for assistance.</li><li>For all the writers, please start following the recent social media protocol by Varsha.</li></ul>&nbsp;I hope I have covered everything; Happy weekend :)&nbsp;Best fishes,Zainab Anjum,Meow for now&nbsp;

Subject: Minutes of the Meeting: Understanding workflow better

sometimes, i wish we could restart the life. from ground zero. i know,it probably not be as 'fun' as it is now but at least you won't have the worry of the future. as a kid,i never had brother about my appearance,i used to be quite bold honestly. but as I'm grow, a part of me just wants to hide itself. ever since we got this COVID pendamic..wearing a mask now is a habit of mine. i never go out without mask. it's a part of me now. i still regret not getting my face done after the accident when I had the chance... now I feel like throwing all the mirror out of the house. even my reflection on my phone screen.. i hate it. i hate the way my thighs look, i hate how wide and chubby my back is.. i hate how my face look when I smile and on the top of that, i hate my personality. it's not the first time I'm feeling this way, but will be the last.&nbsp;

i just don't like being me

I’m not sure why I allow myself to be hurt by you. You have this invisible power over me and I fucking hate it, why do I allow myself to succumb to this pain. I don’t wanna cry over you anymore. You’ll apologize and then do it again. I know at some point I have to gain some self respect and self worth but when it comes to you I don’t know how. I don’t know how to detach from you…I don’t know how to quit you and I want too. I finally realized that you didn’t love me like I loved you. You didn’t love me at all, you liked the power I gave you and how I made you feel. It’s like you look back to see if I’m still chasing you. I hate that I love you&nbsp;

Never ending cycle 

I miss being in love…I miss being loved by you. I don’t know if you genuinely loved me, I doubt it but I like to believe you did. I was so madly in love with you; one might say I was hopelessly devoted to you. I’m not sure why I’m yearning for what once was, I guess I like living in delusion&nbsp;

Yearning for what once was

At this point… I just can’t go around in circles anymore. And this stain of my mom and the reality of my parents again is glaring. Of course I am now miserable again because every day is torture. And its reminder of every time I already felt this desperate and reached out to my parents. They never actually helped me with anything. My parents have always either been the reason I was suffering extraordinarily or&nbsp;I think I’ve reached a point where my mind won’t even really let me repeat anymore.. its like the reason this was so painful the whole time was it was logical to reach the conclusion that the pain would never stop because of my parents. They refused to help me and their “help” is only ever more pain. Every time they could help they chose to hurt but call it help.&nbsp;&nbsp;I've spent 2 years with this latest pain that is unbearable to live with. Its something I have to accept after 2 years that these urologists have no clue what they’re doing either. So many incompetent doctors and urologists and people willing to just sell you for any amount of money. My own parents were the force behind all of it, not the gov.. they did their work for them.&nbsp;&nbsp;Anyway, I was getting by on gabapentin but I can’t live like that either.. &nbsp;i need to actually solve the root issues, and my own parents are still denying me.. this is decades later after I first accepted my death and was not given any mercy to die.. even though id accepted my parents poisoned me. People have no idea the pain that follows with accepting your own death and not being able to die. It was all logical and more than a person could bare in pain. My parents were responsible.&nbsp;&nbsp;This latest pain developed most likely as a consequence of a consequence from the penile disorder developed very young as yet another side effect of the pills my parents forced me on.&nbsp;&nbsp;Am I the only person that has any decency left? I would never EvEr do what my parents have done.&nbsp;&nbsp;The bottom line is everyday for me is torture.. and nothing but,.. it didn’t used to be… again I had hope .. but after speaking to my mother and being reminded of how evil she is.. how she could just deny me and all my feelings and words.. every single time.. its so hard to even speak on now.. theres so much legitimate trauma here.&nbsp;All the hope I had to do my music … the one thing that I could have at least made all the pain worth living through.. I thought.. I never got a chance to do.. I only got to show like 5 percent of me..&nbsp;No one should have to accept their own death and keep going.. thats the worst torture of all.. for decades.. not one or two years.. and not being shown ANY mercy or compassion or understanding… nobody listened to me about my parents..&nbsp;Its been proven my mother inverts things now. My whole life I washes gaslit and run in circles of lunacy with either of my parents.. there was no speaking to them.. no point you could make that they would admit..&nbsp;Every day I could have prevented things from getting worse.. up until a point.. im not superman.. im a very strong human but im not superman.&nbsp;&nbsp;Every day my penis and perineum&nbsp; stays half hard and I cannot wear clothing again most of the time or sit down on my perineum.. and there are no answers.. always such obvious phsycail symptoms for things and me speaking on them.. and people like my parents and the doctors ignoring what actually happened and lied about every detail.. so it was so many abuses on top of abuses on top of abuses. And its still happening.. I never got out. I should have gotten out.. if I wasn’t ever going to even have a chance to sing or make music simply for my mental health even.. and not have understanding and support about that from my own parents I mean what the hell was I even entertaining being around here for anymore. And why would anyone try to stop me and keep torutring me further..&nbsp;&nbsp;\my mother is here saying should be grateful for being tortured. I have had the will to live the entire time.. but I’ve been living in a cage and not even able to do what I could just because of the circumstances here and my mom and dad do nothing but deny everything and change all the details.&nbsp;&nbsp;I could not bare to go on with these different agonizing pains.. I wanted to make my life worth it.. but my parents would not even let me do the thing I loved and survived to do. That was music.. I wasn’t even allowed .. what did I survive for? To just be tortured.. and my mother to say I should be grateful to hurt while she does nothing but lie about me and say what I feel and dictate reality when she’s a psychopath and doesn’t care at all about me.&nbsp;&nbsp;Its the weirdest thing. I could have been shown some decency.. some compassion.. its always flipped upside down with my mother.&nbsp;&nbsp;What other way can I say it? I can’t get a good urologist and its the latest in the damage to my pelvis and all these things I tried so hard to prevent and my mother and father just wouldn’t listen to me about. Just like decades earlier.. it was always my parents behind everything. Every single thing had the root source of my parents causing the pain.. and somehow this wasn’t ever addressed?&nbsp;&nbsp;My entire life.. just stolen from me.. so much torture.. and no mercy.. and so far beyond what the average person could ever handle.. no credit.. nothing..&nbsp;&nbsp;No one should ever have to live this way.. I tried every way and I found avenues and my parents still STILLLLLL forced me to live in the most torturous of ways on purpose.. just denied every word I said..&nbsp;&nbsp;I had no other choices.. literally nothing else I could do.. and then you have these opposites of me the weakest people I know by far and the most evil - my own parents.. and they’re the ones dictating my life to this day..&nbsp;I never should have survived past 16 if I was never going to be listened to and I knew that. Thats where the&nbsp; biggest feeling of hopelessness always originated… my parents. All it would have taken was listening and supporting me at all.. but all my parents ever did was argue ignore and deny me.&nbsp;&nbsp;I don’t know what else to say.. I pushed everything to the limit and almost nobody offered me anything.. nobody cares.. its been almost 2 years of this latest pain condition getting to this point. I do believe it could have been prevented, at least from getting this bad.. its all interconnected and I know so much would have been helped being supported to do music. That was all I asked surviving.. and my parents are so incredibly cruel that they made up every excuse to keep me trapped. They’ve known all along how they were suffocating me financially and using things so I could not speak out or else I would not even have a place to stay at all.&nbsp;&nbsp;This is not an acceptable way to live, AT ALL, FOR A VERY LONG TIME. And I documented everything that shows how bad my mother and father really are.. how they can deny every word I say and just make things up.. what do I have&nbsp; do to make people understand this?What do I have to do? What do I have to do to make people know im the real deal and my parents are fucking monsters? I never wanted to spend any time on this I just wanted to sing and make music - its literally the only thing I survived for if I was going to survive.. and make something out of that.. but I was just forced to barely get by and live in pain and not even express myself.. all along why did my parents not want me to make music? Why were there always these lies over and over… and nobody stood by me..&nbsp;Too easy to just write me off .. but I was right. I never should have had to live this way with zero compassion and my own parents lying about me .. my whole life..&nbsp;&nbsp;Theres no defense and no excuses here and Im so fucking sick of this. My parents could have helped with the least of this so id even have a reason at all to live through the pain but I can barely walk or urinate and if anything touches that part of my body its just so painful.. just like when I was a child and the pain that I dealt with was denied by my own mother and created by her..&nbsp;&nbsp;This inversion of reality and hurting people that have no way to stop it is so fucking cruel. I should have had a choice.. any time in my life… there was nothing wrong with me mentally, it was just all the pain and lies from them combined.&nbsp;&nbsp;I don’t play hyperbolic games.. it truly is like my parents are the complete inverse and will lie about literally anything and deny anything and this whole thing is the most twisted psychological abuse ever from my perspective.. this is decades of my own parents denying me and being at the root of every pain and having doctors align and deny the actual sources and have me stuck on pills …&nbsp;The whole thing is just a mess.&nbsp;Im oalmost 40 years old and theres not a shred of justice here and to have it go this way.. nobody helped.. the pains got worse and worse because I never escaped this apartment and my my parents were just rich people may whole life that spent on them and found ways to make it look like they cared for me but lied and omitted all details everything was just to paint a picture.Theres nothing left to do now except just accept again and yeah its a horrible story that this went on so long and not a single person would show me any mercy or compassion. After so many years of these two people controlling my life knowing I couldn’t make money on my own and what they did to make me bedridden so often..&nbsp;&nbsp;Im so tired. And im so tired of being abused and denied and ignored..&nbsp;&nbsp;Its such a tragedy… all the time wasted. Everything I served through.. and my parents and nobody could just help me move to a place I could record from? Through all this pain.. the one thing.. and I believe it would have been something a lot of people would have liked to hear .. something very deep and genuine that is rare..&nbsp;&nbsp;What else can I say? Or do? It goes so much deeper than this and my understanding is so deep .. makes it so hard because I see so many steps ahead and the inversion is so deep that its like .. its the hardest thing to deal with - the psychological abuse aspects of this are so bad.. because it is that extreme gaslit feeling and&nbsp; true craziness. I deserved far better treatment, not abuse… in the guise of “help”.. thats always my mom.. saying she loves or helps but hurts and hates..&nbsp;&nbsp;Theres only so much a person can do, and no one can blame me for reaching the logical conclusion. My parents are monsters. I didn’t have to be stuck in this place for the last six months, the entirety of winter - all the time gone and things set in place this way - I reached out to my mom and I documented how she treated me and proved again her denial and omissions of truth etc.&nbsp; The least that could be done to help me live comfortably- needed to be done… but my parents denied me like always.. pretending they’re good people but are the furthest thing from it.. I’ve faced pure evil my whole life..&nbsp;&nbsp;Its just sick..&nbsp;Turned out to be right.. and never got credit or a chance.. just evil people that piled on me more.. like my mother.. and used the amount of abuse to overwhelm me and gaslight me to make me seem crazy.. its all so evil.&nbsp;&nbsp;To make someone live with such anger too… logical earned anger… and to force someone to live like that… no compassion no mercy no understanding.. no anything but more wrong..&nbsp;&nbsp;Evil.. evil.. evil.. evil.. evil../&nbsp;&nbsp;Jist evil. I never had a chance. Because they had full control.&nbsp;&nbsp;I should have had control and I could have prevented my parents from doing what they did to me… over and over again.. even the last two years.. even the last six months.. I could have prevented so much. I could have saved myself from such torture.. at least to that degree.. but nobody would help me move or help with the smallest things. Instead my mom says I should be thankful to live to experience only pain because she’s an absolute monster and as long as she isn’t feeling pain then it doesn’t matter.&nbsp;&nbsp;Every time I would find hope my parents would take it from me.&nbsp;What can I do now when I can barely walk anymore half the time due to the perineum and so much is physically wrong and its all interconnected.. and nobody would listen to me.. my parents denied me the most yet again in the last texts and I documented that well again.&nbsp;&nbsp;My whole life I did the work and I documented and I did all the right things and I just got fucked over and over again. They’re abusers.. liars.. experts at manipulating and gaslighting and making you go in circles.. maddening.. thats just who my parents are and I’ve never met a worse case in my life.. I’ve never met anyone I hated or that caused me any type of pain the same way .. I could never be angry at anyone else because no one could ever treat me so badly..&nbsp;&nbsp;I should have either had a way to live or to die.. not begging for some decency in either direction.. and getting nothing. I worked every angle.. I tried to do everything and my parents still treated me like shit and lied about things and still going around lying.. and im living just suffering.. and did all I could to leave and use the last time of my life and still couldn’t get out of here to just simply live my purpose.. no support.. none. I didn’t need anything but to move to a place I could do it from, thats all. It was simple. Just like 25 years ago it was simple. But I never got any support from my parents only the opposite. And then they’d lie and lie and lie about every detail.. still doing it.. and nobody cares…&nbsp;Nobody cares..&nbsp;I am a very very hard worker and disciplined person.. the opposite of my mother and father.. they just pretend.. they’re very lazy and just watching tv all day and always been so stupid and combined with all the worst traits.. they’re just fakes. So many people in this world are fake. You don’t get someone real like me without going through it.. badly..&nbsp;&nbsp;And knowing my parents will always play this angle as long as they’re alive is — its just terrible to know your parents are that evil they’ll always omit the details and lie and portray you a certain way.. they’re just monsters. I never had a chance that way.&nbsp;&nbsp;And combined with sick people in the medical field that would just deny every word I said just like my parents and treat me that way.. just horrible. All ganged up on me as a kid and no doubt they would all do the same now. These are sick disturbed people that have no problem making anything up at the expense of someone else. I didn’t deserve any of this. And id been living already with a penis that didn’t work for over 20 years from the pills they put me on .. never got to have a real relationship because I didn’t even know what it felt like after age 15. Two years of normalcy.. then zero for the rest of my life.. before I even had a relationship.. I was healthy enough before that.. everything .. it was all preventable.. my parents just forced it on me.. all of it. And just deny deny deny.. im the problem somehow.. I was logical the entire time.. everything was as it would be in response..&nbsp;&nbsp;Nobody listens to me.. nobody cares. Nobody fucking held my parents accountable or the doctors.. nobody listened to me.&nbsp;&nbsp;Its like the crazy people have been running the asylum. My mother has diagnosed mental issues but all she could do is project and demonize me point at me.. same with my father.. maddening circles of illogical shit that&nbsp; I’ve never encountered with anyone else.. thats my parents.. I’ve only experienced this with people with severe personality disorders..&nbsp;&nbsp;I was badly abused to have to interact with this every day.. like nothing but gaslighting and weird behavior.. and my brain just doing all it can to find some ways to navigate all of this so many years later.. and when I was that patient and that strong to keep it inside and keep going like this..&nbsp;&nbsp;Nobody cares and nacres .. not really.. people would genuinely help not “help” and hurt instead or make this continue for another ten years and another.. when it turned out that I was right all along, about everything.&nbsp;&nbsp;Ive known what works and what doesn’t work and I’ve had it right all along. I just had terribly selfish sick and generally severely undeveloped people for parents.. Ive seen everything through and learned everything so many times over… and yet im looked at in an inverse way from the reality of who I am.. and rooted from my own parents.. its all very demonic - that inversion of good and evil and truth and lies…&nbsp;&nbsp;I didn’t deserve any of this. I could have been given anything to help me live comfortably … but nothing .. always… nothing.. no mercy no compassion no logic nothing right… yet I knew the entire time.&nbsp;Couldn’t have been a worse way to torture me. And my mom will still call it all love.&nbsp;

I like to think that almost everyone has done things they are ashamed to admit. Well, so have I. But is it really wrong to do those things when you don't have any other option. If you want someone to leave your life and you've told them to do so multiple times would you not just suck it up and live with it. you start to hide them from your life. you don't tell people about them. you start to have 2 different lives. Why is it wrong to do so when this is your only option? and who gives them the right to demand explantion when they were the ones who leeched off you first?&nbsp;so what do we do? just live this sin?

ASHAMED 

Oggi la vichinga torna tardi. Rimane fuori a far serata con i colleghi. Quando rientra da questi eventi io solitamente sono gia' mezzo addormentato. Alle volte provo ad attenderla con le migliori intenzioni perche' ho notato che il ritorno da queste situazioni le fa un gran bene….E' piu' frizzante del solito. Oserei dire piu' vogliosa di cazzo.Evidentemente qualche collega piu' interessante degli altri la stuzzica e la sua passera, nonostante il ferreo controllo alla quale lei rigidamente la sottopone, la tradisce e mi dimostra piu' onestamente quello che la sua padroncina pudica invece mi celerebbe.Alle volte penso che sia un gran peccato che le vagine non possano mandare gli sms. La sua credo che quando arriva l'ora di salire sul taxi per rincasare mi scriverebbe: aspettami pigrotto. ed accendi le candele visto che so che ti piace cosi&nbsp;&nbsp;

Torna tardi stasera

Cominciano da qui le memorie piccanti di un marito semiserio che disserta in liberta' sulla sua moglie “vichinga” che lo legge per divertimento. Potrebbe essere soltanto un diario segreto, una provocazione, una confessione audace oppure un messaggio arrotolato dentro una bottiglia abbandonata alla deriva, ed invece e' un tributo alla donna che, nonostante tutto, desidero ancora.&nbsp;Premessa doverosa.&nbsp;Lei e' bellissima ma freddina. Se qualcuno mai leggera' queste pagine rida pure ma con moderazione. Provateci voi a sposare una nordica vichinga….&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; _+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_&nbsp;Sottili tentazioniGirando questi giorni per la citta' ho notato la pubblicita' molto sfiziosa di Calzedonia e mi sono chiesto se mia mogliettina l'abbia vista… ne dubito.Eleganti gambe svettano civettuole, o si accavallano maliziose, senza mostrare mai il volto delle fortunate padrone che le conducono cosi superbamente. Superfluo credo aggiungere che, le graziose visioni distribuite qui e li per la citta', han fin da subito attirato la mia attenzione facendomi salire una voglia raffinata... Sempre lo sono le mie voglie raffinate perche' ho l'animo piu' femminile di certe donne che van di fretta. Spesso pure la vichinga e' fra costoro, rapita dal suo lavoro, a stento che le avra' notate.&nbsp;Rifletto se sia il caso di correre a comprargliene un paio per poi starmene li beato nel letto ad osservarla mentre se le infila furtivamente la mattina prima di andare al lavoro. &nbsp;Questo e' infatti il massimo a cui posso ambire, o se vogliamo essere piu' chiari, &nbsp;il massimo che lei mi concede senza bisogno che le venga richiesto. &nbsp;Solitamente infatti e' schiva e non mi accontenta di sua libera iniziativa pur sapendo quale sia l'iniziativa che piu' mi piace. Funziona cosi un po' per tutto l'intimo che indossa, anzi, piu' i pizzi si fanno audaci e riservati alla mia esclusiva visione, al mio diletto, &nbsp;e meno spesso vengono indossati. Tanto, pensa lei, che senso ha mettersi addosso questi orpelli se poi io li devo levare in fretta?&nbsp;PragmatismO ( con la O bella grossa)&nbsp;Corrente filosofica sorta negli Stati Uniti nella seconda metà del sec. XIX Atteggiamento improntato a una visione realistica e pratica, finalizzato ad ottenere risultati concreti.&nbsp;In questa definizione devo dire che c'e' tutta la filosofia spiccia della nordica vichinga con la quale condivido amabilmente il letto.Anch'io pero' avrei i miei risultati concreti da perseguire, ovvero: soddisfare lo sguardo, alimentare l'attesa del piacere che e' essa stessa piacere, ed aumentare la libido. Ma evidentemente i suoi risultati concreti sono invece diversi e tendono a farmi andare svelto al punto. E quando divergono in questo modo e' sempre un casino.&nbsp;<figure class="image"><img src="https://y3h5.c1.e2-7.dev/lifeintext/751/2024/3/IMG_20240322_WA_0000_8bf36785c5.jpg"></figure>Deliziose su questo vestitino nero con quello spacco nel mezzo. Un invito nemmeno troppo velato a puntare piu' in alto ed osare di piu' mentre Lei pudicamente attende.&nbsp;&nbsp;

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Ho sposato una vichinga 

well, i watched penthouse and i feel like having an online will be helpful by the time i die.&nbsp;so i will write under the pseudonym of min seol ah. so that in case anybody finds this while i am alive, &nbsp;they won't realize it is me. still i will be puttng a lil bit of hints here and there.&nbsp;so…. my life started in 2002 and since it has been a misrable story of always being compared to my elder sis and my younger bro always having more value.&nbsp;after being born, my mother left me with my grandmother. why? bcoz her next child was a lot more important. as you will see he will always be.&nbsp;4 years, i stayed there without her. while she prepared for next son.&nbsp;if someone ever finds this please know i died out of want. everyday i wanted to die more than anything. i have lost the want to live. i have lost the want to be loved or to love someone else. my family does not need an extra child like me. it won't be a wonder if i am adopted or was just born in case their other children have any disease. you know what, i might want to do it myself, give my organs to someone else so that they can live on in a better place. bcoz any place would be better than here.&nbsp;so, fast forward to grade 10th when i actually realized i am an extra child. You see i was bullied then. i was delibedeliberately cut off from my whole class by someone i used to consider a friend. i know this does not seem much tbh. i would not bat an eye if this happened now but i was child back then and it affected me. idk why it did but it just did. and i became suicidal. i could not kill myself to be exact bcoz i used to think death is a pain, so i took to drawing. i drew death so that i could get it off mind. i drew myself doing things i wanted to. i drew myself hanging and slitting my wrists bcoz i could not do that irl. and my mum found the drawings. If i was a mother who found that, i would be worried. i would worry as to why the child is doing that. but this mother did not. she did not worry. she just told her child that she is overreacting.&nbsp;idk what else screams a more neglecting mother. why did she neglect me? was her elder daughter that much more important? that was when i realized i will always come after her. she will always be loved more by her than me.&nbsp;i hope whosoever reads this sheds atleast one tear if not more.i shall be back to write this again until i am alive.thank you

what is my life?

It has been three long and dreadful years without the both of you. Our memories together constantly plague my thoughts and as hard as I try, I still cannot stop missing you.&nbsp;The both of you have probably moved on with your lives with new people and new friends who have had a much easier time understanding you than I did. The friendship was easy, but our problems weren't. I find it unbelievable. Our first major fight and we couldn't even get past it and work through it. I'll give us grace for the fact that we all tried. We worked to save what I believe was a strong bond. A sisterhood.I've moved on with life too. The people I've met and bonded with have never shared the deep emotional intimacy that scratched and relieved the loneliness I've been battling for my entire childhood. Never having friends that I could fully be myself with till the both you became my best friends. The abrupt halt to our family felt like I was slowly being tortured. Everyday that we didn't go back to what we were was like God was punishing me for all my sins. That my punishment was a sisterhood that I had prayed for since a child being taken away from me.I still love the both of you immensely. My first heartbreak, not romantic but platonic. My family away from my hell at home. My peace, my beautiful, kind, special friends. Even writing this feels so pathetic but I don't want to pretend like what happened to us didn't affect me. I thought and hoped that I would move on from this but I haven't. It's really times like these that I'm glad that I chose to keep some of our photos and videos. I look at how we were just so filled with love when we were all together. Just us three.There are a lot of things that I wish for but at this present moment, I wish that all three of us can reunite and be best friends again. Just like it was before. Just us three.

wish for us

DAY 1 - 20th October,2023&nbsp;Today I went to the Old Delhi Railway Station. I met my friends at the station. The teachers took us to Platform-3 where our train arrived. At first, we boarded B-4 but then we were shifted to B-3. At first, I was about to get seats with 3 of 7-H boys i.e. Aryaman, Atharv and Harshit. But then my seat was changed and I got seat no.30 on the topmost seat. Saby sat with me, Aminah and Shanvi in front of us while Ayesha was beside us. There were 2 aunties down who didn't let us talk so we decided to sleep. I slept on the middle bed below Shanvi because me and Saby swapped our seats. Ayesha was infront of me whereas Aminah was were Ayesha was sitting. I wasn't able to sleep nor was Ayesha. She told me spooky stories and even said that kidnappers can come in the train. I slept after 1:30am.&nbsp;That's all for Day 1---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Class 7 School Trip- Jodhpur & Jaisalmer 

I really don’t have much to say, but I’ve decided to go no contact with my family and increase my therapy session to once a week. I’ve also started taking medicine again, and all I can say is I’ve never felt better. There has been a shift in my life and I’ve felt actually happy. It’s like I finally know peace. I hope things continue to go this way but even if it doesn’t I’m prepared to make it through. I will say that I’m emotionally unavailable to everyone but I do feel inner peace for myself

Start anew 

I feel like I am leaving my everything behind. My social life, friends, happiness. There is no one I can confide in. (Hence, I resorted to writing here on this website) It is a lonely journey, whose end I know not. I am not sure if I'll ever reach what I am aiming for. Will I just get lost in the haze before seeing the shore? I am losing motivation and the little hope I had. This is tiresome and lonely. I need someone to reassure me that I am doing fine, that I'll reach my destination, that I'll make it.Also, it is kinda sad how I can not comment on anyone's post. Though I do get the reason why the option is not given. Nonetheless, to all the people who are feeling blue today, like me, I hope it gets better for you. Cheering for ya!With love,&nbsp;lvvlune&nbsp;

blue

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a quick hello 

<blockquote>Pengertian Mudah Ekonomi Economics intinya adalah "transaksi" yang terjadi berulang kali antara pembeli dan penjual, dengan uang atau kredit digunakan untuk memperdagangkan barang dan jasa. Transaksi ini dilakukan di yang disebut dengan Pasar, Pasar adalah tempat di mana kumpulan penjual dan pembeli melakukan transaksi (ex. pasar komoditi adalah sekumpulan orang - orang yang melakukan transaksi komoditi).&nbsp; Di dalam ekonomi, ada tiga pihak utama yang terlibat:&nbsp; individu, bisnis, dan pemerintah. Di antara mereka, pemerintah adalah pembeli dan penjual terbesar.</blockquote>Kredit adalah bagian paling penting dan paling sedikit dipahami orang dari konsep Ekonomi secara keseluruhan Transaksi kredit adalah antara transaksi antara peminjam (kreditur) dan pendana (lender), pendana berharap pengembalian yang lebih dan Peminjam berharap dana yang akan digunakan untuk meningkatkan produktivity atau pembelian goods.&nbsp;Kenapa Kredit begitu penting? Karena setiap kredit cair, meningkatkan terjadinya transaksi, dan ini akan menguatkan ekonomi, ketika bank melihat spending seseorang tinggi akan menarik perhatian pendana untuk meminjamkan uang.<figure class="image"><img src="https://y3h5.c1.e2-7.dev/lifeintext/523/2023/10/1681910302245_8fd250da5f.png"></figure>Grafik dalam ekonomi ada 2 :&nbsp; 1. Produktivity Cycles&nbsp; Di mana hanya dengan meningkatkan productivity kamu dapat meningkatkan spendingmu (pertumbuhan linier)&nbsp; 2. Credit Cycles Di mana dengan mengambil kredit kamu bisa spending lebih dari incomemu, tetapi nantinya kamu juga harus membayarnya (grafiknya naik ketika mendapat pinjaman dan turun ketika membayar karena harus mengurangi spending)&nbsp; &nbsp;<figure class="image image-style-side"><img src="https://y3h5.c1.e2-7.dev/lifeintext/523/2023/10/Screenshot_2023_10_20_112138_602be9cb57.png"><figcaption>Siklus productivity</figcaption></figure> Siklus ini terjadi karena setiap yang kamu dapatkan dan kamu transaksikan, akan menjadi uang milik orang lain, begitu seterusnya sehingga membuat sebuah "siklus"&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<figure class="image"><img src="https://y3h5.c1.e2-7.dev/lifeintext/523/2023/10/dbd_27722eca56.png"><figcaption>Siklus debt (hutang)</figcaption></figure><blockquote>Nyatanya, yang ada banyak di negara itu adalah "Kredit", bukan uang fisiknya. Maka dari itu baik jika kita bisa memaintain dan memanfaatkan "kredit" dengan baik untuk mengikuti flow dari suatu negara Ketika kredit yang dihasilakan sebanding dengan transaksi yang dihasilkan, semakin banyak kredit yang dibentuk maka akan berpengaruh langsung dengan kenaikan harga barang</blockquote>Naiknya harga barang akibat siklus ekonomi inilah yang dinamakan INFLASI&nbsp; Solusi dari Inflasi? Dari Central Bank selaku pemegang kontrolnya, mereka akan NAIKKAN SUKU BUNGA! Bank Central tidak suka jika terlalu banyak kredit yang keluar sehingga mereka "menarik tuas" untuk menaikkan suku bunga, semakin tinggi suku bunga, semakin tinggi juga biaya dan "debt repayment" yang mengakibatkan ORANG TAKUT MEMINJAM&nbsp;Akibat orang - orang takut meminjam, spending semakin sedikit, pembayaran utang lebih tinggi, sehingga ekonomi makin lama makin melemah, inilah yang dinamakan DEPRESIASI, jika tidak ada solusi maka akan mengabitkan negara mengalami RESESI ketika Central Bank merasa INFLASI sudah cukup aman, mereka kembali "menarik tuas" untuk menurunkan suku bunga sehingga kredit semakin tinggi, transaksi juga semakin tinggi lagi, secara garis besar, ketika credit dipersulit keluar, "siklus" akan menurun, ketika credit dipermjudah keluar, "siklus" akan naik dan ini semua dikendalikan oleh Central Bank&nbsp; Biasanya satu siklus berlaku selama 5 - 8 tahun dan dalam siklus tersebut, selalu ada productivity dan income growth dari siklus sebelumnya, kenapa? Karena HUMAN NATURE yang tidak terlalu suka membayar hutang, mereka kadang bernyaman dengan hutang dan memperbanyak spending, akibatnya apa? INCOME GROWTH, HARGA ASSET NAIK, MAKIN BANYAK PINJAMAN, inilah yang dinamakan kondisi "BUBBLE", Bubble Ekonomi (Gelembung Ekonomi): Gelembung ekonomi adalah situasi di mana harga aset (seperti saham, real estate, atau komoditas) naik secara signifikan di atas nilai intrinsiknya, seringkali karena spekulasi berlebihan dan ekspektasi yang tidak realistis.&nbsp; Tetapi kondisi bubble ini tidak akan berlangsung selamanya lama, Ketika bubble pecah, harga aset turun tajam, yang bisa menyebabkan kerugian besar bagi investor, krisis finansial, dan dampak negatif pada perekonomian.&nbsp; &nbsp;*Deleveraging*&nbsp; Kondisi penurunan dari siklus ekonomi, di mana harga asset drop, less income&nbsp; : - Less spending, less income, less borrowing, less credit.&nbsp; Masalahnya jika di kondisi Deleveraging ini (resesi), stimulus penurunan suku bunga juga tidak akan dapat bisa membantu karena interest rates nya sudah 0. Kondisi ini adalah ketika utang dan bunga naik terus sementara income stuck, mengakibatkan bank jadi pikir - pikir mau mendanai pinjaman dan otomatis karena ekonomi, asset akan jadi turun harganya&nbsp;Ada 4 cara untuk menyikapi DELEVERAGING :&nbsp; 1. Cut spending&nbsp; Tetap juga harus dipikirkan, jangan sampai ketika memotong pengeluaran, tetapi tidak bisa menghabiskan debt nya&nbsp; 2. Reduce Debt&nbsp; Restrukturisasi hutang, di mana memang ini kebijakan yang diambil Bank Central untuk mempermudah kreditur membayar, bank rela menerima sedikit daripada tidak menerima pembayaran sama sekali&nbsp; 3. Redistribute Kekayaan&nbsp; Si kaya mendistribusikan kekayaannya pada si miskin, ini yang dilakukan oleh central goverment, mereka menarik pajak dari si kaya untuk didistribusikan pada society atau untuk menaikkan productivity, central goverment juga berusaha mencari pinjaman melalui hutang negara (bond)&nbsp; 4. Printing Money&nbsp; Dalam hal ini goverment dan central bank harus berkolaborasi di mana, central bank mencetak uang untuk membeli goverment bond, dari goverment kemudian mendistribusikan uang ini pada goods and services serta memberikan support pada unemployment&nbsp; DEVELERAGING BEAUTIFUL kondisi develeraging yang tidak terlalu menjadi masalah besar (dramatis), ketika balance antara deflasi dan inflasi GROWTH grow slows, but DEBT BURDERNS GO DOWN hal ini bisa dicapai dengan Cut expense, Reduce Debt, Transfering Debt : Printing Money (dalam kondisi seimbang) Printing money tidak selalu menjadi sumber inflasi jika pada akhirnya debt bisa tersalip dengan income yang dibuat dari hasil printing money tersebut ketika ekonomi bisa kembali naik, bisa dikatakan sudah masuk ke tahap REFLASI

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10202023 "Economics by Ray Dalio"

You chose to live the way you do. I chose to “attempt” to love you through your mess. I realized very early on that i didn't have the energy it would take. To get you to see just what him and the life he introduced you to was doing to you. Everyone else was to blame, except for me. I was the last one standing in your corner on the boulevard of broken things. i reached out to your mom to see if there had been any news. I haven't seen you since July, it's October now and your birthday just passed. You would see me calling her as a “betrayal” even though i had good intentions. You always wanted me to hate everyone that you did, and i did it because i loved you. The distance that drugs and the streets have put between us feels like we're countries apart. I know you're here somewhere, it just feels like we were never friends, i must have just created you in my head. Someone i still see in my dreams at night, the person you used to be. We haven't talked in months but i still felt like i was betraying you today, by simply talking to the one person you hate, just to see if you were okay.&nbsp;<figure class="image"><img src="https://www.pinterest.com/pin/317081630008325215/"><figcaption>https://www.pinterest.com/pin/317081630008325215/</figcaption></figure>

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Betrayal? Or something like it.

We were never really together, it was just a facade but during the brief time I had you in my life I felt alive. I hadn’t been happy in a long time and you really made me feel like I was enough. I know I shouldn’t have based my happiness on you, that wasn’t fair to you and with me doing that I created unreal expectations. In my mind you made me feel safe; I felt worthy of love for once and I truly thought I hadn’t been in or experienced love until you. I wish I could take it all back because now I’m emotionally unavailable. I don’t feel anything for anyone in my life anymore, friends and family included. I don’t blame you for that, I was hurt way before you but I think you were my last straw. My foundation of sanity started to crack when you left my life. My chest feels heavy nonstop and I just feel myself slipping away. Idk what’s happening to me but it’s scary, who knew one person could cause all this pain. I knew from the beginning you were lovebombing me and I know how that ends but I couldn’t leave, you were just so nice and I was falling hard. I had the chance too and I even tried to end things with you early on but you were so adamant about staying so I gave in. I’m not sure why I can’t let you go and move on, it’s never took me this long to detach from someone. Who knew that my little highschool crush from years ago could cause all of this emotional damage. I really want to forget you ever existed because this heartache isn’t worth it

Unavailable 

Yesterday i cried. Yet again. I am going to be 32 soon and i haven't married yet. The pressure and influx of thoughts of being lonely and then pressure from parents and society is s much that i want to run away. But i don't just want to get married for the sake of it. I want to fall in love but more than that I want to be loved passionately. I want to know what it feels like to become center of someone's life. I want to have one person who can't live without me. I think i am good enough person once someone gets to know me. I am not the prettiest to catch attention wth one look. Neither i am extrovert enough who can charm someone with flirty talk. I really hoped someone to find me and love me for who iam. And if won't happen i would be fine still if i could live alone than be forced to compromise to settle for just anyone. &nbsp; but as of today i should get out of dreamy land and stop waiting for love. I am going to get married whoever my parents find for me and whoever settles for my plain outer shell.&nbsp;Today i a heartbroken. Why was i was given a soul of hopeless romantic if love was not written in my cards…&nbsp;