I thought I was over you… I truly did. I started eating again, I stopped rereading our messages wondering where I went wrong or what I could’ve did to stop you from leaving, I stopped counting the days since we last spoke, and I even started going to therapy. I did all these things to forget you and heal but I still find myself reminiscing about the small things and wondering what we could’ve been. I thought I was over you but I still wake up and hope that I’ll see a text from you even though I know that I never will. I still randomly cry and wish that I could go back and change things because all I ever wanted was you. I’m not sure why I want someone who doesn’t think about me at all and discarded me with ease. The scariest part about all of this is that now I wonder if I truly loved you or if it was just attachment and me mistaking it for love. I’m not used to basic kindness and care from others so when I get it I tend to cling to that person… you were my person H. My heart still hurts when I think about you, I just wish all the memories of you could just be erased so I can finally let go.

Attachment issues

I have tried hard all my life to break free. But I don't know what I need to break free from. I have always been scared. Scared of taking space, scared of imposing on others, scared of being in places I think I don't belong to, scared that I am asking too much. It's like I am living in a cage of fear.To break free I became financially independent. But I am still caged, I still can't look people in the eye and say no.To break free I moved far away from my blood relations. But their harsh words still bring the worst out of me.I am scared all the time that someone would ask me to do something which imposes on my boundaries but I won't be able to refuse. I am scared that even though I have moved away from my toxic family I can't really break the blood bond and break away from the fear of their judgmental eyes.I afraid I will end up becoming a slave for my future husband’s expectations.I am so scared that I am suffocated. I am scared of being scared.

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SCARED

Well it’s officially my birthday and I couldn’t be more sad. I only have myself to celebrate with. I have no contact with my family and it’s not like they would reach out. Idk why but I feel extremely empty inside and I just want everything to go away.&nbsp;

Heres to 22

I still remember when I was a child I always thought about growing up. Now, I am 21, a young, lazy, or seemingly useless girl who is frequently in a bad mood. I don't smile often.&nbsp;I don't know how I ended up like this. When I was a child, I used to be smart and creative, but now it feels like my brain isn't working properly. I've grown to dislike my family and friends. Instead of solving problems, everything seems to be getting more complicated. I really want to be alone, but I don't know how to handle it. It feels like my life has come to a stop. It's as if someone started a car and sent me on a journey, but the roads are really hard, and even though the instructions are there, I just don't feel like using them. I'm just going through the motions, dealing with difficulties.&nbsp;I don't know why growing up feels so difficult. Why do we forget how to laugh? Small things start to irritate us. I feel like doing everything alone, but I can't handle anything. Even my family leaves me alone. It's like turning into a living corpse. I wish I had never grown up. This life journey feels so tough at this age, and I don't know what else I'll have to endure in the future. I don't even know if I'll be able to survive.

Adulthood sucks

I was reading Dostoevsky and he is right in saying that utopia is bad. What we, as humans are moving towards is not what we would like. Like, we have made our life easy but it has also made it dull. We ache for some fun, some feeling. Anything, hell, we even ache for suffering. We have made our life too easy. There will come a time, or maybe it is right now that we ache for some sort of suffering that breaks this numb dullness.&nbsp;I myself haven't had any problem in this last ond year and that is what people should hope for, right? But instead I keep hoping for someone to make me feel, instead of this dull nothing. I'll be honest, I don't know how to entertain myself. Maybe it's the depression but I don't feel like doing anything I used to like. My interactions with other are minimal. I just stay on my own thinking all this nonsense.&nbsp;

Reading Dostoevsky 

It’s been 25 days since we last spoke. I know my last message to you said pretend I don’t exist and that you were my biggest heartbreak which is true, but maybe I could’ve worded it differently. I was hurt and still am but I miss you and wish we could talk but I also despise you; it’s a thin line between love and hate. I honestly just want closure. I still cry randomly during the day and confide in my best friend about my heartbreak. I love him so much for being my rock during this but I just wish I could move on. My heart hurts more at night, I start to think about everything and questioning what’s wrong with me and why I wasn’t enough. I’m tired of crying and being miserable. I’m tired of hurting and hating myself and tearing myself apart, questioning why I’m not worthy enough to be loved; only used for temporary entertainment and lust. I bared my heart and soul to you, let you into my mind. I thought you were my safe space but I couldn’t be more wrong. You are a user and horrible person yet I love you and hate you at the same time. H you broke me irrevocably and I just want to let all the pain and memories of you to go away&nbsp;

Day 25

Everyday I tell myself I’ll be okay and that I don’t miss you but the more I lie to myself the more it hurts. The love I had for you burned brighter than a thousand suns. I know it’s cliche but I never realized I found love before you, you were my twin flame. When I think about you my heart pangs and my eyes well up with tears. I truly believe that in another universe, in another timeline, in a different world, we were meant to be… I just wish you felt the same. I guess once upon a time you did but maybe it was just temporary lust for you. I think what hurts more is that I’m emotionally broken from this and I probably don’t even cross your mind and you’re just living life per usual with whoever the next lucky girl is; just the thought of you sharing the passion and love I thought we had with someone else makes me physically sick to my stomach and I just want to curl up and cry. You’ll move onto the next while I’m just reminiscing in pain and delusion about what I thought we had

I miss you 

You broke me completely but yet I still long for you. I can be doing random activities and my mind would drift to memories of you or how you made me feel and then a wave of sadness would hit me, most times followed by tears. This isn’t fair that I’m affected so deeply by you leaving and you can care less. It sucks being an afterthought in someone’s mind, you’ve probably moved on while I’m just wallowing in self pity. I loved you with every fiber of my being and I thought you loved me too. Well atleast you said you did but I truly find that hard to believe; I think you just loved that I loved you. I was just pure entertainment that you discarded when you got bored and that hurts because I expressed to you how others treated me that way and you promised not too. I don’t understand how you can love someone and leave so easily…did I really mean so little to you? My heart aches because I miss you so much. I hate feeling this way and I hate missing you; how can I miss someone who’s hurt me over and over. The sick part about all of this is you abandoned and broke my heart 3 times and yet I still wanted you…even now I feel like I need you and I truly hate this for me. I want to let you go but I don’t know how. It’s been almost three weeks since we last spoke and even after all the pain I still think of you everyday when I know you haven’t thought of me once since. It’s kinda crazy how you lovebombed me, said we were twin flames, said you loved and worshipped me, and then decided I wasn’t enough; you completely washed your hands of me. Despite all of your flaws I accepted you and I thought you accepted me as I was… I guess I was wrong. I want to let you and all the pain go but the sad part about this is if you came back I would still welcome you with open arms because the love I have for you burns brighter than a thousand suns. I miss someone who doesn’t care whether I’m alive or dead right now

My greatest heartbreak

I’m not really sure what to say or how to even start but I guess I’ll just go for it. I’ve been struggling recently with how my life has been and what I’ve become. I’ve been having a lot of highs and lows but mainly lows. To be completely honest I’m just lost and I don’t know what to do with my life; I’m 21 and I wasn’t expecting to make it this far so each day is just a battle. There’s so many thoughts that run through my mind and &nbsp;trying to cipher through them all feels like I’m drowning. I feel like each day I wake up I’m sinking and at this point I’m kinda tired of trying to make it to shore… I just want to descend to the bottom in peace. Idk, maybe things will change for me one day but right now as I lay in bed and type this my heart is heavy and I’m tired

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My inner turmoil 

Stretched like a mountainGalloping wild like a horseBeware of the shadowsThey lurk in the darkThe promise beheld in their fatesWho shall win the raceCalmer than the quietAnd enchanted like the magicThe one who wears the mark&nbsp;Their touch will bring the sparks&nbsp;

whispers

flowers blooming in my garden&nbsp;but spring is still not here

spring

The wind was painfully blowing, making sounds like someone's sorrow is being chanted. Low mourns were coming from the animals making the sorroundings more disturbing and ruptured. A body was taking its last breadth and remembering its wonderful days of youth and loving memories “In the next life I must live well”.

Next Life

This is around 3 years later from my original date of last writing(last successful writing if i say so). Back then I started to write and doodle in my books because of lack of friends hence I needed to say but had no one to talk to (the few friends i did have were busy , so i didn't want to annoy them a lot)Fast forward 3 years I am now completely done with my college and i needed to speak , though having plenty of ears to listen this time around , just writing and speaking to myself is now my favourite way .A couple of pointers before i start ,&nbsp;a)i am terrible in writing and will make grammatical and spelling mistakes as we go on , I am aware &nbsp;b)And i like to draw , so I might add an image or two in each exert to give better visuals&nbsp;c) i had something but I forgot&nbsp;d) a lot of u , might not know me , and i don't like reintroductions so i wont be doing that , my original 3 journals had good intro of characters/environments/events , I'll be giving those here again as time comes, but not of myself :)&nbsp;&nbsp;HERE WE GOOOOO:&nbsp;(immediatly after writing the above line i realised what i'll be missing while i write digitally , i love the feel of pen on paper, the roughness of my drawings , i dont need it to be good/final, cause it compliments my shitty handwriting and presentation, it is the only time , where i am truely free.)Sooooo, after i write this page . i'll buy a book and print this out and stick it , i might not have said this already , i am pretty lazy and focused. so if I don't write about what i am thinking rn , i will never.&nbsp;&nbsp;Here we GOOOOOOOOO (for real this time):10:47 pm Sat June 17th&nbsp;&nbsp;i just entered my flat alone after seeing Av-nosh(Flatmate) off (all names will be different from the real ones, not for privateness but for my fun's sake), he left with Vadnan and his friends for Tosh via Hydrabad . Bz and Suyush (our friends ) had left for Himachal on college trip this morning. Gooda (my other flat mate, left a month ago , but we met him last 3 days ago since he came to city to party{on 13th I think}) . [Nazi Gang shoutout]&nbsp;Vadnan also left as stated before , Chidori left on 15-16th i think , Prey his Ex, left 2 weeks ago, Kuchu is still here and we are supposed to meet tomorrow.&nbsp;In juniors , Aran left for his house in navi mumbai, AssDeep (super jurnior left for Chhattisgarh &nbsp;a week ago , we had to push our dnd sesh online because of him). Yamin and I-shan went for the college trip too. Fruit lives near my house , i need to get his gift ready for him , from our batch to him , we're giving him a foosball tabel a small one , Av-nosh, Gooda and i found it (from our neighbors) .enough with the introductions , all u need to know is that i am alone rn , all my friends have left for different adventures , and we all said the same thing , we will KIT and meet again , but &nbsp;the same had been said to me by my school friends, and in all fairness a lot of them did , but now we all have new adventures , jobs / internships / masters (for a few) , so we might not , and i am okay with that , life happens , it won't be the worst thing if my friends are living it to the fullest , i myself don't reply too often to my old friends &nbsp;group texts, via text, idk why but I don't, i give my presence and i try to KIT every now and then , but not to much extent.&nbsp;Idk why i started to write again to be fair , all i recall is Av-nosh saying before leaving the apartment , “ college khatam nahi hua hai , convocation baki hai , september me bhi milenge tab bhi&nbsp; (cause we have to trade our ID for alumni card) ” This really stuck with me. i was getting teary and i think Av-nosh got that hence he said it. i went to see him off till he got an auto , &nbsp;cause i wanted this moment of me with a friend to last longer. after he left i slowly walked back . (i felt the same feeling 3 years ago , when my parents left me in mumbai and i had to go up to mantri Serene {our old flat})&nbsp;I went to the gujrati store under my building to get a familiarity of my college life , and when i walked inside my flat i felt so alone for a few moments. i decided to write again to have have someone with me (even a text version of myself)Fortunately Dangi (Silica friend{design institute}) my Best friend , called me up and we have been talking , and i have been writing side by side , we are sharing college stories . and chilling.&nbsp;Tomorrow I am going to a ramen restruent with kuchu and that might be my last offline contact with someone from college&nbsp;&nbsp;I want to cry a little to let it out , but my body isn't allowing it , probably because , it's so bittersweet since i remember all the good times.~end for today&nbsp;P.S. after writing this I liked the experience, whether I liked the structure of article over books , or it was just writing in general&nbsp;This is VR000M signing off. &nbsp;

10:30 ,June 17th,  Saturday , 2023

She is sick these days, and she told me that you do not even call me to know about me. I went home, I do not feel like even see her. I try to ignore her.Even she know this. These days, its her brother wedding, that's why she is behaving normal. Else, she can not say few words with love.I feel like I'm done, what she has done over the years. I have nothing for her. I have told her this many times.Something is dead from inside.&nbsp;

I don't feel anything with K

We have so much friction in us, that we can not talk even for 2 mins.In almost every talk, either she or me gets so irritated. In my case, she just want her point to be implemented. There is no respect of mine. She always shows her irritated face.Yesterday, we have to buy cloths for Shivam's marriage. Ankit suggested her that we purchased it from jwalapur, it might be cheap as well. I told her, if we are going to see things, we can buy from here as well as time also is less. She straight away rejected, saying No. blablabla.After seeing the things, she talked to Ankit. Now she wanted to buy those things. I told her that when I told you you did not agree. She again shows her irritated and angered face. I just couldn't stand against her.&nbsp;Our grah never matched. I can not share my inner thoughts, what I feel, what I'm going through. It's so much frustrating at times, that why me GOD?

We can not talk for 2 mins - So much friction

I am 27, but I feel like I'm looking older.I am supposed to go to the office today. I already put on my makeup (just a little bit cos I just started to do makeup in this past few days), dressed up, then lied to call in sick because I didn't feel like going out at the last moment. So I stayed in my apartment, put on more makeup to my eyes and wore the reddest lipstick. I decided to take my phone to take a picture of what I've done to my face, excited to see if the makeup makes me prettier, but just got disappointed cos I looked old. It was a little bit because of the makeup and the stressed eye in the camera. Disappointed. I turned off my camera. Worked from home for a while. Went to my partner's room for a hug and a rant. “I am getting old”, “I don't wanna get old”, “I'm scared, my skin is gonna get saggy”, these were the rants I made. He told me that it's okay, you are still pretty. Kind words, but I still felt sad. Went back to my room to work. Watched the remaining scenes of 2521 kdrama. Made me even feel sadder cos it's about getting older and changing. So I decided to write my own diary just to write whatever, whenever, however.&nbsp;I still feel old.&nbsp;

I feel older today... again

I'm getting late daily in the morning. I do optimize/tune my time as per need. I getup at 5:40-5:45 in morning, get ready, then goto milk. I came to this routine after lot of experiments. I do this so that kids can goto school on time, and I also save some time.But, she always has a late time. If she has 5 mins, she will sleep. She wake up at a time, when she has no extra time for kids. If any kid do vomit or anything else, she doesn't have time. Everything will be hush hush.Even then, I'm getting late daily. I'm pushing her every 2-3 days, that please wakeup 5-6 mins early, what the hell will go wrong if you getup early. But no. She always has reasons, and ego to fight back.I know how rash and fast I have to drive daily due to her.&nbsp;

Kanika always do late in school time - Everything should be on or after time as per her

Its a Sunday morning. I was working my work as usual. She wakeup at around 8:45, came to me and asked to wake-up kids. I said, let them sleep. She said, Bhavika has a dance class at 11. I said ok, you try to wake them up in between.It was 9:20 when I went. I saw them sleeping. I just said, you could also wake up them up. She was like, I was coming.I hurriedly let kids bath. I dressed up Bhavika as usual. She did not prepare the breakfast even till 10:40. I did puja as well. I talked little, why the breakfast is not ready when she has to go. She was like, I'm preparing.&nbsp;Then, it was 10:50, and I had to shout a little. Why the hell you always do things on time or late. You knew she has to go. Breakfast is not ready. WHy the hell you could not get ready before time, why you always keep in hurry mode. ALways running. If you get ready 5 mins before, if things get ready 5 mins before, will there be any issue?The work which is mine, you never try to touch them as if your hands would burn. If I had to wakeup kids, you never try to wake up them up, if I bath her, you never try, if I help her dressed up, you never. I feed her breakfast, you never.&nbsp;In the meantime, I got the breakfast. I fed Bhavika, and I had to leave. I could not complete breakfast, not even Bhavika.&nbsp;I'm totally fedup with her late antics.&nbsp;I took Bhavika to dance class, came back after having her enjoyed in park. I saw, my plate of breakfast was open, without covering anything. I was again cursing my bad luck with her. SHe could not covered my breakfast as when I will come, I could eat them. That was all in bad condition.Too poor from her. And in all of this, there is no word like sorry from her. She infact shouted back about all this. Her ego always come between us.

Fedup with Her Late Time Management Habits

Last year was very difficult, in terms of money. I received income tax request of around 8-9L last year, plus house expenses. I bought a house, and its work was going on.Recently, I got a payment request for one of my investment in Bhutani property. It was for around 8L. I did not had that money. I mean, I had to sell my company stocks, or the indian stocks that I invested. Which I didn't want to.I was discussing this with Kanika, and I was feeling frustrated. She said, you can take it from me, and return in few months. I clearly said, what is the benefit of you earning. Why do I have to return it. isn't it your investment. For the first time, I said this to her.Her reply was, You have to manage house expenses by yourself. I again said, why I need to return then. And, what do you mean by trouble. Do I need to be a begger to ask you for money.&nbsp;She had no reply! I also moved on, I knew no point of arguing with her.I had to run this family, and I will. God bless us.But, it will always be a point of frustration for me. I spend lot of time in her business, to build for her. But, I get nothing. She sometimes pays for her suits, to which she proudly says I buy it from my money. I was about to ask, what about my money, its not mine, its us. But, your money is yours.It feels bad to have a spouse who earns for herself, not for family.&nbsp;

What is the benefit of her earning - I finally asked

Either you don't invite people to your functions, or if you are inviting people, then invite them well.

I have encountered many situations where its kind of problematic situation whether to go or not. The other person has not invited well.

So, the person is Raman, a distant relative. I don't even has his mobile number in my phone. There is a marriage function of his son. He invited my brother well, who lives in other city. Now, he is coming in Noida, and asked if he invited you. 

That person sent me a whatsapp message, which contains only a pdf. No Hi/hello, No other message. The person has not even his profile photo in whatsapp. I generally ignored these kind of messages. And, I ignored it.

My brother asked, whether you got the card. I said no. I checked, that. invitation was his. I also did not even reply, as if I would reply he might put a message to come. 

But, this is very bad practice of inviting people like this.

A well invited invitation means, at least you call the invitee, and asked him/her to come. What do you mean by a whatsapp message. You are completing your duty, so that when someone asked you did not invite, you will say I have invited. WTF.

I got a call few days back in evening. It was not hearable at all. I could recognise him, and said Namastay. I said repeatedly, your voice is not coming. He simply cut the call, and did not call. I waited for his call.

OK, next morning, I called him back at around 11. He said, bete ki saai hai. I said, Many congrats. And, he again cut the call.

He never said a single time, that you are invited or you have to come. How can someone go like this. 

An Uninvited Invitation

Although, this is my hobby project, and I'm thinking of going ahead in this.

Today, I bought another name: lifeinreel.com

I have some ideas in this space. Lets see.

Lifeintext Next - Life in Pics/Videos

Kanika never ever tried to ask kids to goto bed on time, she is on the mobile most of the time in night. Kids are growing old. Daksh talks badly if I ask him to go inside. As I have to wakeup early, to bring milk and get ready. But, nobody gave it a heed, specially Kanika.Yesterday, Kanika was using her mobile since 12:30 in night, and Bhavika was not sleeping because of this. Bhavika kept on singing in night, or disturbing me. I asked Kanika to please stop your mobile, she instantly shouted in night. I'm using mobile in pure silent mode, kids are not aware that I'm using mobile. I was like, why are you shouting in night.&nbsp;

My routine is all disturbed because of kids and her

Today, I called to Ali, plumber for fixing something at house. A lady picked up the phone, and asked for confirmation.

She was about to cry, she said, unka to intkal ho gaya (He is dead). I was shocked, I asked how. It was an accident. I could not say anything to her. After few seconds pause, I just said acha! Cut the call. Shocked! Life is so unpredictable.

Plumber Ali is no more

I booked a ticket for Drishyam-2. I wanted to watch this, but Kanika was not here. I went alone for the movie, in theatre. It was feeling awkward in theatre. But, I enjoyed a lot.

The movie was really awesome. In 2nd half, when the suspense broke. It was completely shocked to see the kind of preparedness shown by the hero. I wanted to clap.

After the movie, I had lunch at Haldiram. I took a thali, and also took Jalebi for me. Mistakenly I bought larger portion of Jalebi. When I took that, I asked him to pack it half. But, he gave me the full box. I was not feeling comfortable to eat that big box there alone. So, I ate that in Taxi.

BTW, Kanika took the car to her home. So, I came here in Taxi. It was a good day.

And and and, after returning. I watched the Malyalam version too, with english subtitles.