well, i watched penthouse and i feel like having an online will be helpful by the time i die.&nbsp;so i will write under the pseudonym of min seol ah. so that in case anybody finds this while i am alive, &nbsp;they won't realize it is me. still i will be puttng a lil bit of hints here and there.&nbsp;so…. my life started in 2002 and since it has been a misrable story of always being compared to my elder sis and my younger bro always having more value.&nbsp;after being born, my mother left me with my grandmother. why? bcoz her next child was a lot more important. as you will see he will always be.&nbsp;4 years, i stayed there without her. while she prepared for next son.&nbsp;if someone ever finds this please know i died out of want. everyday i wanted to die more than anything. i have lost the want to live. i have lost the want to be loved or to love someone else. my family does not need an extra child like me. it won't be a wonder if i am adopted or was just born in case their other children have any disease. you know what, i might want to do it myself, give my organs to someone else so that they can live on in a better place. bcoz any place would be better than here.&nbsp;so, fast forward to grade 10th when i actually realized i am an extra child. You see i was bullied then. i was delibedeliberately cut off from my whole class by someone i used to consider a friend. i know this does not seem much tbh. i would not bat an eye if this happened now but i was child back then and it affected me. idk why it did but it just did. and i became suicidal. i could not kill myself to be exact bcoz i used to think death is a pain, so i took to drawing. i drew death so that i could get it off mind. i drew myself doing things i wanted to. i drew myself hanging and slitting my wrists bcoz i could not do that irl. and my mum found the drawings. If i was a mother who found that, i would be worried. i would worry as to why the child is doing that. but this mother did not. she did not worry. she just told her child that she is overreacting.&nbsp;idk what else screams a more neglecting mother. why did she neglect me? was her elder daughter that much more important? that was when i realized i will always come after her. she will always be loved more by her than me.&nbsp;i hope whosoever reads this sheds atleast one tear if not more.i shall be back to write this again until i am alive.thank you

what is my life?

It has been three long and dreadful years without the both of you. Our memories together constantly plague my thoughts and as hard as I try, I still cannot stop missing you.&nbsp;The both of you have probably moved on with your lives with new people and new friends who have had a much easier time understanding you than I did. The friendship was easy, but our problems weren't. I find it unbelievable. Our first major fight and we couldn't even get past it and work through it. I'll give us grace for the fact that we all tried. We worked to save what I believe was a strong bond. A sisterhood.I've moved on with life too. The people I've met and bonded with have never shared the deep emotional intimacy that scratched and relieved the loneliness I've been battling for my entire childhood. Never having friends that I could fully be myself with till the both you became my best friends. The abrupt halt to our family felt like I was slowly being tortured. Everyday that we didn't go back to what we were was like God was punishing me for all my sins. That my punishment was a sisterhood that I had prayed for since a child being taken away from me.I still love the both of you immensely. My first heartbreak, not romantic but platonic. My family away from my hell at home. My peace, my beautiful, kind, special friends. Even writing this feels so pathetic but I don't want to pretend like what happened to us didn't affect me. I thought and hoped that I would move on from this but I haven't. It's really times like these that I'm glad that I chose to keep some of our photos and videos. I look at how we were just so filled with love when we were all together. Just us three.There are a lot of things that I wish for but at this present moment, I wish that all three of us can reunite and be best friends again. Just like it was before. Just us three.

wish for us

DAY 1 - 20th October,2023&nbsp;Today I went to the Old Delhi Railway Station. I met my friends at the station. The teachers took us to Platform-3 where our train arrived. At first, we boarded B-4 but then we were shifted to B-3. At first, I was about to get seats with 3 of 7-H boys i.e. Aryaman, Atharv and Harshit. But then my seat was changed and I got seat no.30 on the topmost seat. Saby sat with me, Aminah and Shanvi in front of us while Ayesha was beside us. There were 2 aunties down who didn't let us talk so we decided to sleep. I slept on the middle bed below Shanvi because me and Saby swapped our seats. Ayesha was infront of me whereas Aminah was were Ayesha was sitting. I wasn't able to sleep nor was Ayesha. She told me spooky stories and even said that kidnappers can come in the train. I slept after 1:30am.&nbsp;That's all for Day 1---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Class 7 School Trip- Jodhpur & Jaisalmer 

I really don’t have much to say, but I’ve decided to go no contact with my family and increase my therapy session to once a week. I’ve also started taking medicine again, and all I can say is I’ve never felt better. There has been a shift in my life and I’ve felt actually happy. It’s like I finally know peace. I hope things continue to go this way but even if it doesn’t I’m prepared to make it through. I will say that I’m emotionally unavailable to everyone but I do feel inner peace for myself

Start anew 

I feel like I am leaving my everything behind. My social life, friends, happiness. There is no one I can confide in. (Hence, I resorted to writing here on this website) It is a lonely journey, whose end I know not. I am not sure if I'll ever reach what I am aiming for. Will I just get lost in the haze before seeing the shore? I am losing motivation and the little hope I had. This is tiresome and lonely. I need someone to reassure me that I am doing fine, that I'll reach my destination, that I'll make it.Also, it is kinda sad how I can not comment on anyone's post. Though I do get the reason why the option is not given. Nonetheless, to all the people who are feeling blue today, like me, I hope it gets better for you. Cheering for ya!With love,&nbsp;lvvlune&nbsp;

blue

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a quick hello 

<blockquote>Pengertian Mudah Ekonomi Economics intinya adalah "transaksi" yang terjadi berulang kali antara pembeli dan penjual, dengan uang atau kredit digunakan untuk memperdagangkan barang dan jasa. Transaksi ini dilakukan di yang disebut dengan Pasar, Pasar adalah tempat di mana kumpulan penjual dan pembeli melakukan transaksi (ex. pasar komoditi adalah sekumpulan orang - orang yang melakukan transaksi komoditi).&nbsp; Di dalam ekonomi, ada tiga pihak utama yang terlibat:&nbsp; individu, bisnis, dan pemerintah. Di antara mereka, pemerintah adalah pembeli dan penjual terbesar.</blockquote>Kredit adalah bagian paling penting dan paling sedikit dipahami orang dari konsep Ekonomi secara keseluruhan Transaksi kredit adalah antara transaksi antara peminjam (kreditur) dan pendana (lender), pendana berharap pengembalian yang lebih dan Peminjam berharap dana yang akan digunakan untuk meningkatkan produktivity atau pembelian goods.&nbsp;Kenapa Kredit begitu penting? Karena setiap kredit cair, meningkatkan terjadinya transaksi, dan ini akan menguatkan ekonomi, ketika bank melihat spending seseorang tinggi akan menarik perhatian pendana untuk meminjamkan uang.<figure class="image"><img src="https://y3h5.c1.e2-7.dev/lifeintext/523/2023/10/1681910302245_8fd250da5f.png"></figure>Grafik dalam ekonomi ada 2 :&nbsp; 1. Produktivity Cycles&nbsp; Di mana hanya dengan meningkatkan productivity kamu dapat meningkatkan spendingmu (pertumbuhan linier)&nbsp; 2. Credit Cycles Di mana dengan mengambil kredit kamu bisa spending lebih dari incomemu, tetapi nantinya kamu juga harus membayarnya (grafiknya naik ketika mendapat pinjaman dan turun ketika membayar karena harus mengurangi spending)&nbsp; &nbsp;<figure class="image image-style-side"><img src="https://y3h5.c1.e2-7.dev/lifeintext/523/2023/10/Screenshot_2023_10_20_112138_602be9cb57.png"><figcaption>Siklus productivity</figcaption></figure> Siklus ini terjadi karena setiap yang kamu dapatkan dan kamu transaksikan, akan menjadi uang milik orang lain, begitu seterusnya sehingga membuat sebuah "siklus"&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<figure class="image"><img src="https://y3h5.c1.e2-7.dev/lifeintext/523/2023/10/dbd_27722eca56.png"><figcaption>Siklus debt (hutang)</figcaption></figure><blockquote>Nyatanya, yang ada banyak di negara itu adalah "Kredit", bukan uang fisiknya. Maka dari itu baik jika kita bisa memaintain dan memanfaatkan "kredit" dengan baik untuk mengikuti flow dari suatu negara Ketika kredit yang dihasilakan sebanding dengan transaksi yang dihasilkan, semakin banyak kredit yang dibentuk maka akan berpengaruh langsung dengan kenaikan harga barang</blockquote>Naiknya harga barang akibat siklus ekonomi inilah yang dinamakan INFLASI&nbsp; Solusi dari Inflasi? Dari Central Bank selaku pemegang kontrolnya, mereka akan NAIKKAN SUKU BUNGA! Bank Central tidak suka jika terlalu banyak kredit yang keluar sehingga mereka "menarik tuas" untuk menaikkan suku bunga, semakin tinggi suku bunga, semakin tinggi juga biaya dan "debt repayment" yang mengakibatkan ORANG TAKUT MEMINJAM&nbsp;Akibat orang - orang takut meminjam, spending semakin sedikit, pembayaran utang lebih tinggi, sehingga ekonomi makin lama makin melemah, inilah yang dinamakan DEPRESIASI, jika tidak ada solusi maka akan mengabitkan negara mengalami RESESI ketika Central Bank merasa INFLASI sudah cukup aman, mereka kembali "menarik tuas" untuk menurunkan suku bunga sehingga kredit semakin tinggi, transaksi juga semakin tinggi lagi, secara garis besar, ketika credit dipersulit keluar, "siklus" akan menurun, ketika credit dipermjudah keluar, "siklus" akan naik dan ini semua dikendalikan oleh Central Bank&nbsp; Biasanya satu siklus berlaku selama 5 - 8 tahun dan dalam siklus tersebut, selalu ada productivity dan income growth dari siklus sebelumnya, kenapa? Karena HUMAN NATURE yang tidak terlalu suka membayar hutang, mereka kadang bernyaman dengan hutang dan memperbanyak spending, akibatnya apa? INCOME GROWTH, HARGA ASSET NAIK, MAKIN BANYAK PINJAMAN, inilah yang dinamakan kondisi "BUBBLE", Bubble Ekonomi (Gelembung Ekonomi): Gelembung ekonomi adalah situasi di mana harga aset (seperti saham, real estate, atau komoditas) naik secara signifikan di atas nilai intrinsiknya, seringkali karena spekulasi berlebihan dan ekspektasi yang tidak realistis.&nbsp; Tetapi kondisi bubble ini tidak akan berlangsung selamanya lama, Ketika bubble pecah, harga aset turun tajam, yang bisa menyebabkan kerugian besar bagi investor, krisis finansial, dan dampak negatif pada perekonomian.&nbsp; &nbsp;*Deleveraging*&nbsp; Kondisi penurunan dari siklus ekonomi, di mana harga asset drop, less income&nbsp; : - Less spending, less income, less borrowing, less credit.&nbsp; Masalahnya jika di kondisi Deleveraging ini (resesi), stimulus penurunan suku bunga juga tidak akan dapat bisa membantu karena interest rates nya sudah 0. Kondisi ini adalah ketika utang dan bunga naik terus sementara income stuck, mengakibatkan bank jadi pikir - pikir mau mendanai pinjaman dan otomatis karena ekonomi, asset akan jadi turun harganya&nbsp;Ada 4 cara untuk menyikapi DELEVERAGING :&nbsp; 1. Cut spending&nbsp; Tetap juga harus dipikirkan, jangan sampai ketika memotong pengeluaran, tetapi tidak bisa menghabiskan debt nya&nbsp; 2. Reduce Debt&nbsp; Restrukturisasi hutang, di mana memang ini kebijakan yang diambil Bank Central untuk mempermudah kreditur membayar, bank rela menerima sedikit daripada tidak menerima pembayaran sama sekali&nbsp; 3. Redistribute Kekayaan&nbsp; Si kaya mendistribusikan kekayaannya pada si miskin, ini yang dilakukan oleh central goverment, mereka menarik pajak dari si kaya untuk didistribusikan pada society atau untuk menaikkan productivity, central goverment juga berusaha mencari pinjaman melalui hutang negara (bond)&nbsp; 4. Printing Money&nbsp; Dalam hal ini goverment dan central bank harus berkolaborasi di mana, central bank mencetak uang untuk membeli goverment bond, dari goverment kemudian mendistribusikan uang ini pada goods and services serta memberikan support pada unemployment&nbsp; DEVELERAGING BEAUTIFUL kondisi develeraging yang tidak terlalu menjadi masalah besar (dramatis), ketika balance antara deflasi dan inflasi GROWTH grow slows, but DEBT BURDERNS GO DOWN hal ini bisa dicapai dengan Cut expense, Reduce Debt, Transfering Debt : Printing Money (dalam kondisi seimbang) Printing money tidak selalu menjadi sumber inflasi jika pada akhirnya debt bisa tersalip dengan income yang dibuat dari hasil printing money tersebut ketika ekonomi bisa kembali naik, bisa dikatakan sudah masuk ke tahap REFLASI

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10202023 "Economics by Ray Dalio"

You chose to live the way you do. I chose to “attempt” to love you through your mess. I realized very early on that i didn't have the energy it would take. To get you to see just what him and the life he introduced you to was doing to you. Everyone else was to blame, except for me. I was the last one standing in your corner on the boulevard of broken things. i reached out to your mom to see if there had been any news. I haven't seen you since July, it's October now and your birthday just passed. You would see me calling her as a “betrayal” even though i had good intentions. You always wanted me to hate everyone that you did, and i did it because i loved you. The distance that drugs and the streets have put between us feels like we're countries apart. I know you're here somewhere, it just feels like we were never friends, i must have just created you in my head. Someone i still see in my dreams at night, the person you used to be. We haven't talked in months but i still felt like i was betraying you today, by simply talking to the one person you hate, just to see if you were okay.&nbsp;<figure class="image"><img src="https://www.pinterest.com/pin/317081630008325215/"><figcaption>https://www.pinterest.com/pin/317081630008325215/</figcaption></figure>

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Betrayal? Or something like it.

We were never really together, it was just a facade but during the brief time I had you in my life I felt alive. I hadn’t been happy in a long time and you really made me feel like I was enough. I know I shouldn’t have based my happiness on you, that wasn’t fair to you and with me doing that I created unreal expectations. In my mind you made me feel safe; I felt worthy of love for once and I truly thought I hadn’t been in or experienced love until you. I wish I could take it all back because now I’m emotionally unavailable. I don’t feel anything for anyone in my life anymore, friends and family included. I don’t blame you for that, I was hurt way before you but I think you were my last straw. My foundation of sanity started to crack when you left my life. My chest feels heavy nonstop and I just feel myself slipping away. Idk what’s happening to me but it’s scary, who knew one person could cause all this pain. I knew from the beginning you were lovebombing me and I know how that ends but I couldn’t leave, you were just so nice and I was falling hard. I had the chance too and I even tried to end things with you early on but you were so adamant about staying so I gave in. I’m not sure why I can’t let you go and move on, it’s never took me this long to detach from someone. Who knew that my little highschool crush from years ago could cause all of this emotional damage. I really want to forget you ever existed because this heartache isn’t worth it

Unavailable 

Yesterday i cried. Yet again. I am going to be 32 soon and i haven't married yet. The pressure and influx of thoughts of being lonely and then pressure from parents and society is s much that i want to run away. But i don't just want to get married for the sake of it. I want to fall in love but more than that I want to be loved passionately. I want to know what it feels like to become center of someone's life. I want to have one person who can't live without me. I think i am good enough person once someone gets to know me. I am not the prettiest to catch attention wth one look. Neither i am extrovert enough who can charm someone with flirty talk. I really hoped someone to find me and love me for who iam. And if won't happen i would be fine still if i could live alone than be forced to compromise to settle for just anyone. &nbsp; but as of today i should get out of dreamy land and stop waiting for love. I am going to get married whoever my parents find for me and whoever settles for my plain outer shell.&nbsp;Today i a heartbroken. Why was i was given a soul of hopeless romantic if love was not written in my cards…&nbsp;

Feeling numb again

I thought I was over you… I truly did. I started eating again, I stopped rereading our messages wondering where I went wrong or what I could’ve did to stop you from leaving, I stopped counting the days since we last spoke, and I even started going to therapy. I did all these things to forget you and heal but I still find myself reminiscing about the small things and wondering what we could’ve been. I thought I was over you but I still wake up and hope that I’ll see a text from you even though I know that I never will. I still randomly cry and wish that I could go back and change things because all I ever wanted was you. I’m not sure why I want someone who doesn’t think about me at all and discarded me with ease. The scariest part about all of this is that now I wonder if I truly loved you or if it was just attachment and me mistaking it for love. I’m not used to basic kindness and care from others so when I get it I tend to cling to that person… you were my person H. My heart still hurts when I think about you, I just wish all the memories of you could just be erased so I can finally let go.

Attachment issues

I have tried hard all my life to break free. But I don't know what I need to break free from. I have always been scared. Scared of taking space, scared of imposing on others, scared of being in places I think I don't belong to, scared that I am asking too much. It's like I am living in a cage of fear.To break free I became financially independent. But I am still caged, I still can't look people in the eye and say no.To break free I moved far away from my blood relations. But their harsh words still bring the worst out of me.I am scared all the time that someone would ask me to do something which imposes on my boundaries but I won't be able to refuse. I am scared that even though I have moved away from my toxic family I can't really break the blood bond and break away from the fear of their judgmental eyes.I afraid I will end up becoming a slave for my future husband’s expectations.I am so scared that I am suffocated. I am scared of being scared.

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SCARED

Well it’s officially my birthday and I couldn’t be more sad. I only have myself to celebrate with. I have no contact with my family and it’s not like they would reach out. Idk why but I feel extremely empty inside and I just want everything to go away.&nbsp;

Heres to 22

I still remember when I was a child I always thought about growing up. Now, I am 21, a young, lazy, or seemingly useless girl who is frequently in a bad mood. I don't smile often.&nbsp;I don't know how I ended up like this. When I was a child, I used to be smart and creative, but now it feels like my brain isn't working properly. I've grown to dislike my family and friends. Instead of solving problems, everything seems to be getting more complicated. I really want to be alone, but I don't know how to handle it. It feels like my life has come to a stop. It's as if someone started a car and sent me on a journey, but the roads are really hard, and even though the instructions are there, I just don't feel like using them. I'm just going through the motions, dealing with difficulties.&nbsp;I don't know why growing up feels so difficult. Why do we forget how to laugh? Small things start to irritate us. I feel like doing everything alone, but I can't handle anything. Even my family leaves me alone. It's like turning into a living corpse. I wish I had never grown up. This life journey feels so tough at this age, and I don't know what else I'll have to endure in the future. I don't even know if I'll be able to survive.

Adulthood sucks

I was reading Dostoevsky and he is right in saying that utopia is bad. What we, as humans are moving towards is not what we would like. Like, we have made our life easy but it has also made it dull. We ache for some fun, some feeling. Anything, hell, we even ache for suffering. We have made our life too easy. There will come a time, or maybe it is right now that we ache for some sort of suffering that breaks this numb dullness.&nbsp;I myself haven't had any problem in this last ond year and that is what people should hope for, right? But instead I keep hoping for someone to make me feel, instead of this dull nothing. I'll be honest, I don't know how to entertain myself. Maybe it's the depression but I don't feel like doing anything I used to like. My interactions with other are minimal. I just stay on my own thinking all this nonsense.&nbsp;

Reading Dostoevsky 

It’s been 25 days since we last spoke. I know my last message to you said pretend I don’t exist and that you were my biggest heartbreak which is true, but maybe I could’ve worded it differently. I was hurt and still am but I miss you and wish we could talk but I also despise you; it’s a thin line between love and hate. I honestly just want closure. I still cry randomly during the day and confide in my best friend about my heartbreak. I love him so much for being my rock during this but I just wish I could move on. My heart hurts more at night, I start to think about everything and questioning what’s wrong with me and why I wasn’t enough. I’m tired of crying and being miserable. I’m tired of hurting and hating myself and tearing myself apart, questioning why I’m not worthy enough to be loved; only used for temporary entertainment and lust. I bared my heart and soul to you, let you into my mind. I thought you were my safe space but I couldn’t be more wrong. You are a user and horrible person yet I love you and hate you at the same time. H you broke me irrevocably and I just want to let all the pain and memories of you to go away&nbsp;

Day 25

Everyday I tell myself I’ll be okay and that I don’t miss you but the more I lie to myself the more it hurts. The love I had for you burned brighter than a thousand suns. I know it’s cliche but I never realized I found love before you, you were my twin flame. When I think about you my heart pangs and my eyes well up with tears. I truly believe that in another universe, in another timeline, in a different world, we were meant to be… I just wish you felt the same. I guess once upon a time you did but maybe it was just temporary lust for you. I think what hurts more is that I’m emotionally broken from this and I probably don’t even cross your mind and you’re just living life per usual with whoever the next lucky girl is; just the thought of you sharing the passion and love I thought we had with someone else makes me physically sick to my stomach and I just want to curl up and cry. You’ll move onto the next while I’m just reminiscing in pain and delusion about what I thought we had

I miss you 

You broke me completely but yet I still long for you. I can be doing random activities and my mind would drift to memories of you or how you made me feel and then a wave of sadness would hit me, most times followed by tears. This isn’t fair that I’m affected so deeply by you leaving and you can care less. It sucks being an afterthought in someone’s mind, you’ve probably moved on while I’m just wallowing in self pity. I loved you with every fiber of my being and I thought you loved me too. Well atleast you said you did but I truly find that hard to believe; I think you just loved that I loved you. I was just pure entertainment that you discarded when you got bored and that hurts because I expressed to you how others treated me that way and you promised not too. I don’t understand how you can love someone and leave so easily…did I really mean so little to you? My heart aches because I miss you so much. I hate feeling this way and I hate missing you; how can I miss someone who’s hurt me over and over. The sick part about all of this is you abandoned and broke my heart 3 times and yet I still wanted you…even now I feel like I need you and I truly hate this for me. I want to let you go but I don’t know how. It’s been almost three weeks since we last spoke and even after all the pain I still think of you everyday when I know you haven’t thought of me once since. It’s kinda crazy how you lovebombed me, said we were twin flames, said you loved and worshipped me, and then decided I wasn’t enough; you completely washed your hands of me. Despite all of your flaws I accepted you and I thought you accepted me as I was… I guess I was wrong. I want to let you and all the pain go but the sad part about this is if you came back I would still welcome you with open arms because the love I have for you burns brighter than a thousand suns. I miss someone who doesn’t care whether I’m alive or dead right now

My greatest heartbreak

I’m not really sure what to say or how to even start but I guess I’ll just go for it. I’ve been struggling recently with how my life has been and what I’ve become. I’ve been having a lot of highs and lows but mainly lows. To be completely honest I’m just lost and I don’t know what to do with my life; I’m 21 and I wasn’t expecting to make it this far so each day is just a battle. There’s so many thoughts that run through my mind and &nbsp;trying to cipher through them all feels like I’m drowning. I feel like each day I wake up I’m sinking and at this point I’m kinda tired of trying to make it to shore… I just want to descend to the bottom in peace. Idk, maybe things will change for me one day but right now as I lay in bed and type this my heart is heavy and I’m tired

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My inner turmoil 

Stretched like a mountainGalloping wild like a horseBeware of the shadowsThey lurk in the darkThe promise beheld in their fatesWho shall win the raceCalmer than the quietAnd enchanted like the magicThe one who wears the mark&nbsp;Their touch will bring the sparks&nbsp;

whispers

flowers blooming in my garden&nbsp;but spring is still not here

spring

The wind was painfully blowing, making sounds like someone's sorrow is being chanted. Low mourns were coming from the animals making the sorroundings more disturbing and ruptured. A body was taking its last breadth and remembering its wonderful days of youth and loving memories “In the next life I must live well”.

Next Life

This is around 3 years later from my original date of last writing(last successful writing if i say so). Back then I started to write and doodle in my books because of lack of friends hence I needed to say but had no one to talk to (the few friends i did have were busy , so i didn't want to annoy them a lot)Fast forward 3 years I am now completely done with my college and i needed to speak , though having plenty of ears to listen this time around , just writing and speaking to myself is now my favourite way .A couple of pointers before i start ,&nbsp;a)i am terrible in writing and will make grammatical and spelling mistakes as we go on , I am aware &nbsp;b)And i like to draw , so I might add an image or two in each exert to give better visuals&nbsp;c) i had something but I forgot&nbsp;d) a lot of u , might not know me , and i don't like reintroductions so i wont be doing that , my original 3 journals had good intro of characters/environments/events , I'll be giving those here again as time comes, but not of myself :)&nbsp;&nbsp;HERE WE GOOOOO:&nbsp;(immediatly after writing the above line i realised what i'll be missing while i write digitally , i love the feel of pen on paper, the roughness of my drawings , i dont need it to be good/final, cause it compliments my shitty handwriting and presentation, it is the only time , where i am truely free.)Sooooo, after i write this page . i'll buy a book and print this out and stick it , i might not have said this already , i am pretty lazy and focused. so if I don't write about what i am thinking rn , i will never.&nbsp;&nbsp;Here we GOOOOOOOOO (for real this time):10:47 pm Sat June 17th&nbsp;&nbsp;i just entered my flat alone after seeing Av-nosh(Flatmate) off (all names will be different from the real ones, not for privateness but for my fun's sake), he left with Vadnan and his friends for Tosh via Hydrabad . Bz and Suyush (our friends ) had left for Himachal on college trip this morning. Gooda (my other flat mate, left a month ago , but we met him last 3 days ago since he came to city to party{on 13th I think}) . [Nazi Gang shoutout]&nbsp;Vadnan also left as stated before , Chidori left on 15-16th i think , Prey his Ex, left 2 weeks ago, Kuchu is still here and we are supposed to meet tomorrow.&nbsp;In juniors , Aran left for his house in navi mumbai, AssDeep (super jurnior left for Chhattisgarh &nbsp;a week ago , we had to push our dnd sesh online because of him). Yamin and I-shan went for the college trip too. Fruit lives near my house , i need to get his gift ready for him , from our batch to him , we're giving him a foosball tabel a small one , Av-nosh, Gooda and i found it (from our neighbors) .enough with the introductions , all u need to know is that i am alone rn , all my friends have left for different adventures , and we all said the same thing , we will KIT and meet again , but &nbsp;the same had been said to me by my school friends, and in all fairness a lot of them did , but now we all have new adventures , jobs / internships / masters (for a few) , so we might not , and i am okay with that , life happens , it won't be the worst thing if my friends are living it to the fullest , i myself don't reply too often to my old friends &nbsp;group texts, via text, idk why but I don't, i give my presence and i try to KIT every now and then , but not to much extent.&nbsp;Idk why i started to write again to be fair , all i recall is Av-nosh saying before leaving the apartment , “ college khatam nahi hua hai , convocation baki hai , september me bhi milenge tab bhi&nbsp; (cause we have to trade our ID for alumni card) ” This really stuck with me. i was getting teary and i think Av-nosh got that hence he said it. i went to see him off till he got an auto , &nbsp;cause i wanted this moment of me with a friend to last longer. after he left i slowly walked back . (i felt the same feeling 3 years ago , when my parents left me in mumbai and i had to go up to mantri Serene {our old flat})&nbsp;I went to the gujrati store under my building to get a familiarity of my college life , and when i walked inside my flat i felt so alone for a few moments. i decided to write again to have have someone with me (even a text version of myself)Fortunately Dangi (Silica friend{design institute}) my Best friend , called me up and we have been talking , and i have been writing side by side , we are sharing college stories . and chilling.&nbsp;Tomorrow I am going to a ramen restruent with kuchu and that might be my last offline contact with someone from college&nbsp;&nbsp;I want to cry a little to let it out , but my body isn't allowing it , probably because , it's so bittersweet since i remember all the good times.~end for today&nbsp;P.S. after writing this I liked the experience, whether I liked the structure of article over books , or it was just writing in general&nbsp;This is VR000M signing off. &nbsp;

10:30 ,June 17th,  Saturday , 2023

I am 27, but I feel like I'm looking older.I am supposed to go to the office today. I already put on my makeup (just a little bit cos I just started to do makeup in this past few days), dressed up, then lied to call in sick because I didn't feel like going out at the last moment. So I stayed in my apartment, put on more makeup to my eyes and wore the reddest lipstick. I decided to take my phone to take a picture of what I've done to my face, excited to see if the makeup makes me prettier, but just got disappointed cos I looked old. It was a little bit because of the makeup and the stressed eye in the camera. Disappointed. I turned off my camera. Worked from home for a while. Went to my partner's room for a hug and a rant. “I am getting old”, “I don't wanna get old”, “I'm scared, my skin is gonna get saggy”, these were the rants I made. He told me that it's okay, you are still pretty. Kind words, but I still felt sad. Went back to my room to work. Watched the remaining scenes of 2521 kdrama. Made me even feel sadder cos it's about getting older and changing. So I decided to write my own diary just to write whatever, whenever, however.&nbsp;I still feel old.&nbsp;