I’m not really sure what to say or how to even start but I guess I’ll just go for it. I’ve been struggling recently with how my life has been and what I’ve become. I’ve been having a lot of highs and lows but mainly lows. To be completely honest I’m just lost and I don’t know what to do with my life; I’m 21 and I wasn’t expecting to make it this far so each day is just a battle. There’s so many thoughts that run through my mind and &nbsp;trying to cipher through them all feels like I’m drowning. I feel like each day I wake up I’m sinking and at this point I’m kinda tired of trying to make it to shore… I just want to descend to the bottom in peace. Idk, maybe things will change for me one day but right now as I lay in bed and type this my heart is heavy and I’m tired

medium_IMG_2406.jpeg

small_IMG_2406.jpeg

thumbnail_IMG_2406.jpeg

IMG_2406.jpeg

My inner turmoil 

Stretched like a mountainGalloping wild like a horseBeware of the shadowsThey lurk in the darkThe promise beheld in their fatesWho shall win the raceCalmer than the quietAnd enchanted like the magicThe one who wears the mark&nbsp;Their touch will bring the sparks&nbsp;

whispers

flowers blooming in my garden&nbsp;but spring is still not here

spring

The wind was painfully blowing, making sounds like someone's sorrow is being chanted. Low mourns were coming from the animals making the sorroundings more disturbing and ruptured. A body was taking its last breadth and remembering its wonderful days of youth and loving memories “In the next life I must live well”.

Next Life

This is around 3 years later from my original date of last writing(last successful writing if i say so). Back then I started to write and doodle in my books because of lack of friends hence I needed to say but had no one to talk to (the few friends i did have were busy , so i didn't want to annoy them a lot)Fast forward 3 years I am now completely done with my college and i needed to speak , though having plenty of ears to listen this time around , just writing and speaking to myself is now my favourite way .A couple of pointers before i start ,&nbsp;a)i am terrible in writing and will make grammatical and spelling mistakes as we go on , I am aware &nbsp;b)And i like to draw , so I might add an image or two in each exert to give better visuals&nbsp;c) i had something but I forgot&nbsp;d) a lot of u , might not know me , and i don't like reintroductions so i wont be doing that , my original 3 journals had good intro of characters/environments/events , I'll be giving those here again as time comes, but not of myself :)&nbsp;&nbsp;HERE WE GOOOOO:&nbsp;(immediatly after writing the above line i realised what i'll be missing while i write digitally , i love the feel of pen on paper, the roughness of my drawings , i dont need it to be good/final, cause it compliments my shitty handwriting and presentation, it is the only time , where i am truely free.)Sooooo, after i write this page . i'll buy a book and print this out and stick it , i might not have said this already , i am pretty lazy and focused. so if I don't write about what i am thinking rn , i will never.&nbsp;&nbsp;Here we GOOOOOOOOO (for real this time):10:47 pm Sat June 17th&nbsp;&nbsp;i just entered my flat alone after seeing Av-nosh(Flatmate) off (all names will be different from the real ones, not for privateness but for my fun's sake), he left with Vadnan and his friends for Tosh via Hydrabad . Bz and Suyush (our friends ) had left for Himachal on college trip this morning. Gooda (my other flat mate, left a month ago , but we met him last 3 days ago since he came to city to party{on 13th I think}) . [Nazi Gang shoutout]&nbsp;Vadnan also left as stated before , Chidori left on 15-16th i think , Prey his Ex, left 2 weeks ago, Kuchu is still here and we are supposed to meet tomorrow.&nbsp;In juniors , Aran left for his house in navi mumbai, AssDeep (super jurnior left for Chhattisgarh &nbsp;a week ago , we had to push our dnd sesh online because of him). Yamin and I-shan went for the college trip too. Fruit lives near my house , i need to get his gift ready for him , from our batch to him , we're giving him a foosball tabel a small one , Av-nosh, Gooda and i found it (from our neighbors) .enough with the introductions , all u need to know is that i am alone rn , all my friends have left for different adventures , and we all said the same thing , we will KIT and meet again , but &nbsp;the same had been said to me by my school friends, and in all fairness a lot of them did , but now we all have new adventures , jobs / internships / masters (for a few) , so we might not , and i am okay with that , life happens , it won't be the worst thing if my friends are living it to the fullest , i myself don't reply too often to my old friends &nbsp;group texts, via text, idk why but I don't, i give my presence and i try to KIT every now and then , but not to much extent.&nbsp;Idk why i started to write again to be fair , all i recall is Av-nosh saying before leaving the apartment , “ college khatam nahi hua hai , convocation baki hai , september me bhi milenge tab bhi&nbsp; (cause we have to trade our ID for alumni card) ” This really stuck with me. i was getting teary and i think Av-nosh got that hence he said it. i went to see him off till he got an auto , &nbsp;cause i wanted this moment of me with a friend to last longer. after he left i slowly walked back . (i felt the same feeling 3 years ago , when my parents left me in mumbai and i had to go up to mantri Serene {our old flat})&nbsp;I went to the gujrati store under my building to get a familiarity of my college life , and when i walked inside my flat i felt so alone for a few moments. i decided to write again to have have someone with me (even a text version of myself)Fortunately Dangi (Silica friend{design institute}) my Best friend , called me up and we have been talking , and i have been writing side by side , we are sharing college stories . and chilling.&nbsp;Tomorrow I am going to a ramen restruent with kuchu and that might be my last offline contact with someone from college&nbsp;&nbsp;I want to cry a little to let it out , but my body isn't allowing it , probably because , it's so bittersweet since i remember all the good times.~end for today&nbsp;P.S. after writing this I liked the experience, whether I liked the structure of article over books , or it was just writing in general&nbsp;This is VR000M signing off. &nbsp;

10:30 ,June 17th,  Saturday , 2023

I am 27, but I feel like I'm looking older.I am supposed to go to the office today. I already put on my makeup (just a little bit cos I just started to do makeup in this past few days), dressed up, then lied to call in sick because I didn't feel like going out at the last moment. So I stayed in my apartment, put on more makeup to my eyes and wore the reddest lipstick. I decided to take my phone to take a picture of what I've done to my face, excited to see if the makeup makes me prettier, but just got disappointed cos I looked old. It was a little bit because of the makeup and the stressed eye in the camera. Disappointed. I turned off my camera. Worked from home for a while. Went to my partner's room for a hug and a rant. “I am getting old”, “I don't wanna get old”, “I'm scared, my skin is gonna get saggy”, these were the rants I made. He told me that it's okay, you are still pretty. Kind words, but I still felt sad. Went back to my room to work. Watched the remaining scenes of 2521 kdrama. Made me even feel sadder cos it's about getting older and changing. So I decided to write my own diary just to write whatever, whenever, however.&nbsp;I still feel old.&nbsp;

I feel older today... again

Its a Sunday morning. I was working my work as usual. She wakeup at around 8:45, came to me and asked to wake-up kids. I said, let them sleep. She said, Bhavika has a dance class at 11. I said ok, you try to wake them up in between.It was 9:20 when I went. I saw them sleeping. I just said, you could also wake up them up. She was like, I was coming.I hurriedly let kids bath. I dressed up Bhavika as usual. She did not prepare the breakfast even till 10:40. I did puja as well. I talked little, why the breakfast is not ready when she has to go. She was like, I'm preparing.&nbsp;Then, it was 10:50, and I had to shout a little. Why the hell you always do things on time or late. You knew she has to go. Breakfast is not ready. WHy the hell you could not get ready before time, why you always keep in hurry mode. ALways running. If you get ready 5 mins before, if things get ready 5 mins before, will there be any issue?The work which is mine, you never try to touch them as if your hands would burn. If I had to wakeup kids, you never try to wake up them up, if I bath her, you never try, if I help her dressed up, you never. I feed her breakfast, you never.&nbsp;In the meantime, I got the breakfast. I fed Bhavika, and I had to leave. I could not complete breakfast, not even Bhavika.&nbsp;I'm totally fedup with her late antics.&nbsp;I took Bhavika to dance class, came back after having her enjoyed in park. I saw, my plate of breakfast was open, without covering anything. I was again cursing my bad luck with her. SHe could not covered my breakfast as when I will come, I could eat them. That was all in bad condition.Too poor from her. And in all of this, there is no word like sorry from her. She infact shouted back about all this. Her ego always come between us.

Fedup with Her Late Time Management Habits

Either you don't invite people to your functions, or if you are inviting people, then invite them well.

I have encountered many situations where its kind of problematic situation whether to go or not. The other person has not invited well.

So, the person is Raman, a distant relative. I don't even has his mobile number in my phone. There is a marriage function of his son. He invited my brother well, who lives in other city. Now, he is coming in Noida, and asked if he invited you. 

That person sent me a whatsapp message, which contains only a pdf. No Hi/hello, No other message. The person has not even his profile photo in whatsapp. I generally ignored these kind of messages. And, I ignored it.

My brother asked, whether you got the card. I said no. I checked, that. invitation was his. I also did not even reply, as if I would reply he might put a message to come. 

But, this is very bad practice of inviting people like this.

A well invited invitation means, at least you call the invitee, and asked him/her to come. What do you mean by a whatsapp message. You are completing your duty, so that when someone asked you did not invite, you will say I have invited. WTF.

I got a call few days back in evening. It was not hearable at all. I could recognise him, and said Namastay. I said repeatedly, your voice is not coming. He simply cut the call, and did not call. I waited for his call.

OK, next morning, I called him back at around 11. He said, bete ki saai hai. I said, Many congrats. And, he again cut the call.

He never said a single time, that you are invited or you have to come. How can someone go like this. 

An Uninvited Invitation

Although, this is my hobby project, and I'm thinking of going ahead in this.

Today, I bought another name: lifeinreel.com

I have some ideas in this space. Lets see.

Lifeintext Next - Life in Pics/Videos

Today, I called to Ali, plumber for fixing something at house. A lady picked up the phone, and asked for confirmation.

She was about to cry, she said, unka to intkal ho gaya (He is dead). I was shocked, I asked how. It was an accident. I could not say anything to her. After few seconds pause, I just said acha! Cut the call. Shocked! Life is so unpredictable.

Plumber Ali is no more

I booked a ticket for Drishyam-2. I wanted to watch this, but Kanika was not here. I went alone for the movie, in theatre. It was feeling awkward in theatre. But, I enjoyed a lot.

The movie was really awesome. In 2nd half, when the suspense broke. It was completely shocked to see the kind of preparedness shown by the hero. I wanted to clap.

After the movie, I had lunch at Haldiram. I took a thali, and also took Jalebi for me. Mistakenly I bought larger portion of Jalebi. When I took that, I asked him to pack it half. But, he gave me the full box. I was not feeling comfortable to eat that big box there alone. So, I ate that in Taxi.

BTW, Kanika took the car to her home. So, I came here in Taxi. It was a good day.

And and and, after returning. I watched the Malyalam version too, with english subtitles.

Watching Drishyam was a treat

I recently took a new dedicated server. I did talk to lot of vendors. Finally, I did settle for one. It cost around 70K for an year. It was a costly one, but with dedicated one I hope to get good performance.

As soon as I get the server, within 2 days I migrated all of my websites to this. The new migration I did around my websites, really helped me quickly migration. I was feeling proud of myself. I did many things in server too, in quick succession. That gave me lot of confidence, which I needed for sure.

New dedicated server for Planndesign and other websites

I went home, and Bhavika played this song in Alexa. And, she showed so much love to me. She sat with me, and kept hugging me. It was so heart touching. I almost cried.She kept playing this the whole day.

Sabse Pyara kaun hai.... Papa... Mere Papa...

She is usually very fond of doing swing. But, I used to push her on the jhula.

After dinner, 2 days back, she wanted to goto park to enjoy her swing ride. It was already around 9:30, and I wanted to go back home. I asked her to go back home. But, as usual, she denied.

I started moving towards home, and asking her to leave. Then, what I saw was something amazing. She started doing it by herself. And, she was enjoying much. She shouted to show us that she is doing it by herself. We could not ask her after seeing that.

And, she was doing pretty well, so fluent. 

I loved being parent in noticing these minor developments in kids.

Bhavika Started Doing Swing Jhula by her Own - #firsttime

       二十大之前，老家的朋友讲，很多家长连小朋友的补课费都交着困难了。二十大开好，可能会渐渐躺平吧，不然没法办了。

       二十大开好了，老家封了，社区防疫的主任讲，路上不能有人！很多小区大门都封死了，有甚者还上电焊，哎。

       爷爷生病住院，医院当然是封了，轻症的病人都被赶回家去了，能不能回家要跟社区报备，让回去才能回去。

       医院的人也得吃饭啊，就一个食堂，说是排队打饭要2,3个小时。

       昨天打电话，还是叔叔给我爸和爷爷每天三顿饭送过去，今天打，饭就送不了了，家里被封了，小区说是有两个yang，院门都被封死了。

        爸去排队买饭了，说是还要等20分钟，不晓得排多久。

疫情！疫情！疫情！

       来到这，也许是平日里的忙活周而复始，像时钟一样旋转着，然而有闲停下来又不知道该做点什么，可以长久做下去且能想着去做的事情。

       写点字吧，写给自己，甚至乎遇到有相同点的人儿，不奢望吧，或者说谈不上有这个希望。

开篇

November 2021 came as a doom month. The covid  took my elder family members that month causing so much pain to my mum. I was already mourning for those lost ones needless i knew i would lose also one of my closest friends who was younger than me. I have known him since 10 years maybe more. We worked together and he was one of the rare handsome guy of the company. He was full of life, always ready to party and always ready to help and share his knowledge. He has been very supportive during a difficult professional phase available day and night to help. A few months before he died, his attitude changed. He was insisting for me to meet him. He proposed several times that i come to meet him so that he could show me around the site and admire his project. He also offered for us to lunch together. We spent quite some time together in office laughing, joking and teasing each other. One day i offered to take him to visit a nearby parc area which he gladly accepted. We talked a bit about the future of the company and what will be our next move as the company was heading towards severe financial difficulties. I told him about my plans to possibly leave but he had nothing to say. Instead he kept saying he will decide the next year. Everytime he came to office he used to ask me for coffee which i made with pleasure. Late at night sometimes he used to send one text just calling my name and when i replied "what happened" he would say "nothing". 


Eventually i had to leave the company as the pressure became unbearable and the last few words he told me was "if you keep stressing yourself over every little thing you will not be able to enjoy life".

Basically when you move to a new company you get so much engrossed in learning, understanding and coping with the work and the environment. I became so busy that i hardly had time to get in touch. He texted me as to how depressed he was with the work pressure and even mentioned for us to meet. But it never happened.

on 25th of November i was informed he was admitted to clinic and he died a few days later leaving us all frozen in shock. My panic attack hit in when i got the news. I could not believe he was no more. He was only 33 and had already planned his future by buying a house by the seaside and had recently bought a red car. 


I remained in shock for days that i could not attend to his funeral. I did not want to see him in that state. I wanted to keep a happy memory of him laughing cheerful happy.

He broke my heart and many months passed by but i could not accept his death. I dreamed of him a few times in which he told me he was fine but sad. I shut myself with the world. I went to work i sat at my desk i worked all day not talking to anyone. My colleagues thought i was arrogant. During lunch time i went to walk on the streets and sat somewhere on the stairs. I regretted that i did not go to meet him or texted him. He was longing for us to meet but my busy schedule came ahead. Every day i wake up i think of him i cry and i regret.

After 6 months i have been able to end my mourning and gradually i became more open at work and laughed with them all day. But while travelling home every other thing kept reminding me of him. 


Its been 11 months already and i still cry for him. I just can't forget him. It feels so hard the burden is so heavy. 4 days ago i happened to be needing the knowledge of what he was an expert of and i cried and cried becausr he was no more there to help and i could not figure out who should i ask. 


But there is a saying that when God takes someone He sends another. There is a very helpful and knowledgeable guy at work. Friday morning i went to see him and he happily helped me. 


As October is ending, i do not want November to come. It will be hard to live those final days of the month and i for sure would be hiding in my room those days. The company even scheduled our eoy party on that day and i declined the invitation. I would be in no position to dress beautifully and smile to people that 26 of November.

We have become so busy in our daily routine that we do not realise what we are losing. After the person is gone there is gonna be only regrets. Since then i ensure that i am in contact with my friends and i regularly check on them even if i have to travel to see them i make it a must to go.

large_5FCA4A7B-6F62-44A5-9CD0-18F73DA6AFF5.jpeg

medium_5FCA4A7B-6F62-44A5-9CD0-18F73DA6AFF5.jpeg

small_5FCA4A7B-6F62-44A5-9CD0-18F73DA6AFF5.jpeg

thumbnail_5FCA4A7B-6F62-44A5-9CD0-18F73DA6AFF5.jpeg

5FCA4A7B-6F62-44A5-9CD0-18F73DA6AFF5.jpeg

Dark November Ahead

https://www.lifeintext.com/journals/my-decision-to-leave

Since I've applied to another team. I was almost ready to go there. I was winding up my work, doing KTs to others.

Here in Adobe, hiring got freezed. And the position I applied for, could not be cleared. So, I'm back to current team. 

Suman informed me this, and the message was that team is happy to have you back.

I did not show any emotion, as I was getting little hint that this might happen. But, reality hit me after few days :)

Will write privately, as some people started reading this now!

My Internal Transfer Cancelled - Chaos

5:45 - Wake up. Went for milk. Did not get it, as bufallo's calf drank all milk :)

6:40 - Time to awake kids, get ready/bath Bhavika

5:30 - Came back home, time for Daksh's chess class

5:45 - Went for Daksh class along with him

6:00 - Reached there, dropped Daksh, went to society club where I dropped Daksh. 

Picked a book - Definition of Joy from some acharya.

7:20 - Came back from library, did little walk. Saw kids playing, trying to find joy :)

10:00 Took dinner, watched little movie. Ask kids to goto sleep

Full Busy Day

Today is mom's birthday. I've gifted her a new mobile phone. Her every phone was given by me :)

It looked good. I got a good deal on flipkart.

Today Mom's Birthday - Gifted Mobile

I noticed, everytime I goto my in-laws. I got acidity problem. Read my hectic September. 

This time, my vomiting started really bad. I also got loose motions. I took old medicines, and thinking I will get relief. But in midnight, I got vomiting again. I was having really bad headache.

I thought of going to Hospital. It was 1:30 AM.

I decided not to disturb anyone, left a message on whatsapp for Kanika, and left for Hospital. It was painful to drive that time. 

Anyhow, I reached hospital. Thankfully, I got the staff. They checked, and told that I was dehyderated much. They needed to put drip. I agree.

I told them, that I can be here till 6 only as I need to drop my kids to school. I did vomit there as well.

In morning, my alarm rang. I called the doctors, did billing formalities. I was feeling better. I reached home. I called Milk-wala that I can not come today.

Then, I let my kids awake, get them ready for school, and dropped them to school.

After Hectic Schedule - Worse Health - Hospital Admit

It was our brother-in-law retirement party. We had to go YamunaNagar. I had to miss my office party. On Friday, Ritesh from our office booked a cricket ground, and we played late till around 7. It was fun. So, we went on Saturday. Kids were having holiday on Monday, so I thought of being there till Monday. My parents love being with my kids.

My In-laws had bhagwad Gita program (8 days program). I told them, that I can not come for full program or both weekends. But, they insisted much. My wife wanted to go. So, we planned to go both weekends there.

When I returned from there, I got much vomiting. I had to take 2 days holidays from office.

Agani visit to In-laws, for ending of program. It was bhandara. Again, lot of fried food. And, this time my health got worsen that I had to admit to hospital.

And, on coming Monday, I had to visit to a death-ceremony program.

Hectic September - Too Much Travel

My father had to go there, in Gurgaon. Our Chacha ji shifted to Gurgaon few years before, from Panchkula. My father already had plans for some holiday trip. So, he can't go there. He was looking worried, as he was always a responsible person. He had to go there, I asked, I could also go there, if you want. He said, why not. When will my Son will come handy.

Week-1 to Yamunanagar, Week-2 to my in-laws, Week-3 to my in-laws.

I was already tired, as I came back last night only from Haridwar. I had to goto Gurgaon today. I chose to go there by Metro.

I took a Uber at 10:30 for Okhla Bird Metro, changed two metro. Quite a task. In between, one metro reversed in between. I didn't know that it was not going there. I did double round between some stations. Wasted my 30 mins.

I reached Cyber City metro station. Took an auto (old style). Dropped me to Kapashera border. Took another e-rickshaw to reach fun-and-food village. The venue was just in front of it.

I purchased some fruits. And went inside. It was awkward feeling meeting at someone's death to relatives which are distant relatives. Anyways, I also found Sunny (my cousin) there. I was almost with him there. 

I also met his brother-in-law, Dinkar. A Dev-ops engineer. Gave him some fundas.

I went back at 3. Now, took a local bus to reach Dwarka metro station. Then, to Botanical, then Taxi to home.

That day, I took almost all the public transport. It was like living old memories, it was fun and super tiring.

Then, I got a call from Kanika that its Daksh's class at 6. I was like, come on. Then, I went to drop Daksh just after sitting for 10 mins at home. 

In return, Daksh asked for Momos. He loves momos. We bought some, then some kids saw me. To whom I used to fed sometimes. They were asking for Chowmein. I saw, there were almost 10-15 kids, I refused first, then one of the kid really requested me. Also, Daksh said, buy them.

It cost me 700 Rs. But, it was always satisfying to buy food for poor kids.

Finally reached home at 8:30 PM. Had lunch, met my daughter. And, had a good sleep thereafter.