I'm thinking hard these days that why am I living with her. Even if I hire a maid, she will take less money and will do whatever I will ask her to do. I know this is bad thinking, but I'm not happy with her.&nbsp;
I have seen girls who fights with in-laws, others, BUT not with husband. And, she fights with me. The reason, only known to her.&nbsp;
I started feeling that she is having some mental issues. Her anger is too much. Kids are also facing this. Everything is going well, then all of a sudden she made the atmosphere worse. She is a master of this.
I keep thinking of separating from her, and thoughts of living separate with her. It feels good, but thinking of kids made me sad.&nbsp;
I tried talking to her father. But, he is such a useless person. He did nothing, instead he tried making me understand. I was so pissed off. Now, I'm in no mood to talk to anyone. I will now make a decision (If I could), and just convey them.
When will I get that courage?

I'm not able to take hard decision - Separate from her

Yesterday night, I was having suicidal thoughts again. I mean, there was no life. I can not talk to her, she is always in fight mode. Yesterday, I went at 7:30, prepared tea by myself. I played with kids.
In night, at around 5AM, I started having abdonimal pain. And, suicidal thoughts were coming. I was so frustrated, and thinking to kill myself. My health was too bad.

Suicidal thoughts again

I was playing outside, and our new neighbour came and talked to me. She invited us to her home. They recently shifted there. I asked Kanika that we should go.
She started showing some ego. She said, why do you become so linient. When we tried to talk to them, they were not talking. Now, they initiated, so you are goinf to them. And she straight away rejected it.
I just said in surprise, itna calculation main nahi karta. They even came to our house on Diwali with a gift. Even then, she is not going.

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Nobody is her friend due to her problem

So, we enjoyed both the marriages, flat muhurat, Diwali. And believe me, it was a great pain in the ass to keep calm in front of her and my parents. She is totally unbearable and untolerable now.
We have no relation, no feelings. She kept finding ways to shout, taunts, show her anger for no reason. Yesterday as well, I had to give it back saying: "Its not possible to talk with you. 8/10 talks ended in quarrel".
I was playing with kids inside room, she kept blabbering. I somehow kept my cool, and went outside to play with kids. I vent my frustration on the ball.
And, her usual. She can not prepare my food plate. I mean, she does nothing except shout and unecessary counting her work.

This reminds me of her morning.
We came late last night from wedding at around 2 AM. We slept late, keeping in mind that we will slept till late. Daksh will take off. In morning, I woke up at 7:15 for milk-wala, maid. And, slept again. I had to do my office. I woke-up again at 9 AM. I did not disturb her or kids. She wake up at 9:30 AM. As soon as she wakes up, she started shouting. I'm wake up since long, so many tasks are pending. Daksh woke up. She kept shouting at him, you do it, you do that.&nbsp;
I was not going to office, took my milk by myself. It was 11 AM, with no sign of breakfast. I asked politely, please prepare breakfast. She started shouting, I thought you were going to office, its getting so late, when will I goto bath, I thought of preparing breakfast after taking my bath, its not that late. I again asked politely, its late only then I asked you to prepare breakfast. She did it with full frustration.
I always wonder, if we wake up up late, then why so much hurry. To whom, you need to show that you are well bathed. At 2 PM, she asked will you eat lunch? It was full of guilt and frustration for me in asking her for food. I mean, come on. I said Yes, then I said, leave it, No. She again, went with looking visiblly frustrating. She prepared roti with yesterday's dal.

She came back to her normal routine - Anger, Ego, Frustration

Daksh learned https://www.photopea.com/, and learnt it quite fast. Its like Photoshop. I do not even know how to work on Photoshop. But, he learnt it well.

Daksh made Drawing - Happy Diwali

Its my daily duty to wake him up for school. In Covid time, its at around 7:15 AM. But, before that it was at around 6:30 AM.

The pain is not in waking up early because of him. I usually wake-up at around 6AM. But, he takes so much time to wakeup and put his feet on ground. Sometimes, it took somewhere around 10-15 minutes. It disturbs my schedule as well. 

He talks rude. This makes me angry, and I finally left and ask him to wakeup at whatever time you want. Then, he wakeup by himself. Not a single instance, that when I left he didn't wake-up. But, it feels very bad to listen to his rude replies.

Sometimes he says, remove my name from school. He said, I will email to principal to remove my name :)

He takes time to wake-up. Rarely it happens that he wakes up in few minutes and with a smile.

But, its not a complaint. It is just a memory. I love him, and he knows that.

Big Pain - To Awaken Daksh Each Morning

So, today I had to go to the following work:

I drank milk, and went to work without any breakfast.

I purchased cleaning stuff first and went to the flat. The work was going so slow, I don't think we can shift to flat.

I then went to the IGL office, where I asked the formalities needed and where can I get the affidavit. I then, went to the authority office for the affidavit, came back. The lady then asked me to get the signature of Kanika as she was the co-owner. I said, I will do it. She said, no. She said, take this form, get it signed by your wife and courier to us. I thought, its a long process. I asked, do I also need her ID. She said No. I tried my luck, I said she is sitting in the car, let me go for her signature.

I went out for few seconds, did her signature and came back. She knew I did it by myself, still she took it. Relax. Its done,

I then went to a shop where Kanika asked the shopkeeper to prepare our stuff. But, he has not prepared it. I had to wait. I then asked him that I have other work and I went for electrical stuff.

After that, I came back and get it loaded into the car.

I then went to Sector-9, searching for shops. I found one where I can find Le-Grand switches. I gave him the list, and he was preparing my order. At the end, he gave an amount to which I said, I will do Google-Pay. He said it will come to my account. I said so what, you are the business and you should pay taxes. He said, he will need to pay taxes. I said, by asking for more money you are taking taxes from customers, not paying by yourself.

I was so pissed off, and stood from there saying that I have wasted my time here. Let me know if you are doing it. The bill was for 12700 Rs and he asked for 800 Rs more. I offered that I could do it 13000, else I'm going. They agreed.

On returning, I get the items off-loaded in the flat and went back to the house. Where I first took the lunch. I was so hungry. I had to meet Abdul, but couldn't meet as I was feeling tired and slept.

Went to market for so long with no food

After my last fight, I was again in a delimma how to stay away from her. I am just 37, and there is much life ahead. How can I live with her, even she is not happy.

But, again kids face come in front of me. I just can't think of going away from them. 

There were so many calculations going on:

I do not want kids to be separated. Either with her or with me. 

How would my parents meet kids. They just love Daksh and Bhavika

How would I meet kids, sometimes or daily

I would stay in other flat, just like I goto office.

But still, we will sleep in same house and there are chances of collission

What if someone visits our house, if we were living separate?

This one girl destroys my life. God gave me so many signals before marriage, I ignored all of them. I was so fool.

Calculations aftermaths our Quarrel

Today, we both were frustrating about slow work done by our contractor, Ramesh.

I trtied talking to her about how many tasks are pendig from him. She started talking rudely. I just said, please talk in polite way. She again talked rudely, I can not talk politely, my tone is like this only. I left that place saying, then leave it.

I was wondering so much that I said very politely and slowly to let her talk peacefully. But she refused!

Come on, She can not speak in low tone

Its been so many years, we had sex. There is no lust, there is no love, there is no relation. My parents are the main culprit in our wedding. They forced us to marry. We both were immature when we married.&nbsp;
When I think nof our past, when Kanika met. I saw so many chances that GOD gave me to break this relationship. I took everythign for granted.&nbsp;
Our relationship was toxic even before marriage. I got some cruicial chances to break that relationship. Our's was no compatibility at all. She cheated before marriage, that was the biggest sign that I ignored.
I feel that its important to talk to someone regarding a bad relationship. I never talked to anyone. Perhaps, that other guy could guide me that you are taking a wrong decision. I never did discuss.

Sex-less marriage

I've been thinking of divorce. Yesterday night, I watched few videos of divorce. How to take, about kids. Effect on kids.
Whenever, I think of separation, I think of kids. I can not stay. away from kids. But, when she does her usual anger stuff, I felt so frustrated that I feel my life is also important. I also saw importance of sex in marriages. We have no sex life. I do not remember last when we had sex.&nbsp;
I learned that kids do also suffer in a bad atmosphere. It's better to take divorce than stay in an unhealthy relationship. Kids also saw us fighting. What they will learn about relationships.
I feel that I'm just a few steps away from taking this decision. I'm feeling so intolerable of her.&nbsp;
She is so dominating that I feel suffocated.&nbsp;

I'm thinking of Divorce

Today, I had to goto collect rent and buy some stuff for our flat. I took kids along with me as well. So that Kanika can get some free time. Its a big ask to take two kids and handle them. I took them anyway.
I had to drive for 25 kms, goto that house and take rent while kids were in car. I purchased some stuff from a hardware shop. It took me around 3 long hours. If you ask me that Kanika cann take kids alone with her. She can't. So, consider a difficult task.
I came back at around 3PM, hungry, tired. I casually asked her, so you must be happy and relax as kids were not here. She replied rudely in nher usual frustrated tone, no way, I was quite busy in my work. Her tone makes mood bad. I was like, come on when is the time that you will say you were happy or relaxed. Anyway, I didn't say anything to her and went back to living room.
She also came back, she drank water and never ask me to have it when I came back tired. I took it myself and sat. She asked food, I told her that let me pay Sudhir his payment. Sudhir was our carpenter doing our flat work. She came back again, and asked food. It was 3:10 PM, quite higher thann our usual time for lunch. I knew she is asking me to come with her in kitchen and prepare my plate. I replied back in anger, come on its time of food, cant you see. WHy are you asking again and again. I didn't say that you meant to call me in kitchen. I knew that. She was like waiting for it. She blasted on me saying what did I ask. I said, didn't you see its time for lunch. She went back in anger and made plate.&nbsp;
I never ever remember that she prepared plate for me in love or with respect. I could see i ger eyes, whenever she has to make plate for me, her anger, her frustration that she has to make food for me. I could see all that.
I just say to her, due to these reasons I don't talk to you much. You love these heated discussions, or arguments. Can't you leave things on which we argue, but no. I just left in other room and slept. I usually do not sleep in after-noon. My mood became so bad that I wanted to forgot all that and slept.

Her angry frustrated face becomes a routine

Its been continuous half an hour since when she is shouting outside, and scolding Daksh. I got up in anger and went outside. I told her to shutup, its enough. But, no.
I feel pity on Daksh. Its becoming very usual case. WHen she started scolding him for something, she just do not stop. I mean, you scolded him, make a point, and stop. But, No.

She doesn't stop when she started scolding kids

Devansh called me, to have casual chit-chat. Our talk was due since last Sunday.

He always has all the updates from our team. He already left Adobe and joined Microsoft. But, he knew about everybody even now. He gave me knews that Prakhar selected into Microsoft and Google and he is joining Google. I was like, WOW.

He was telling me that you should also try as they are hiring at much higher pace and is giving good salary. It was very tempting to listen.

I listened, and told him my view point and my vision of my future.

I told him that I'm not going to change anymore, Read more here. 

I was very clear in explaining my perspective and my thoughts. He understood it very clearly, and respected it. 

I know, its very tempting to see when everybody around you are going to big companies, and you can also do better. But, I want to take a pause from this rat race.

I'm reading a book: "Psychology of Money", and there I read that we should stay away from social race.  And, I know I'm earning decent enough that I do not need to go anywhere else. Work life balance is dawm good here. So, why do I leave? Just for social pressure?

I'm happy for Prakhar. He is a brilliant guy.

I told him, that my long term goal is not this. I even suggested him to meet at regular frequencies to discuss any ideas that we might have, and may be we can make it big. We have decent amount to bootstrap our ideas. He liked the idea. Lets see, how we can materialize it.

Prakhar selected into Google - Talk with Devansh

I'm working in Adobe systems, drawing a decent salary. Actually way more than I spend. 

My prespective about life has changed a bit. I'm fedup of this salary and rat race culture. I was actually frustrated since long in my current job.I tried studying multiple times. I couldn't clear companies in which I was interested. It is very difficult with load of work and kids at home that I can do anything else.

This year as well, I started preparing myself for the interviews. I do believe in hard work, and I do not afraid of doing hard work. But, one thing stuck. What am I doing? What if I goto some other big name, I would be earning little more that my current salary. What after that? What if I also started feeling same as now?

And, I'm actually fedup of this corporate culture. I think I can do better. I decided to build something for the future. Something that can give me fuel to run my remaining life. I'm good in building things, software, web etc.

I decided not to look for any change further, and starting building something of my own. Be it some passive income, or being teacher, or doing freelancing etc. But, not job.

I'm very confident this time that I can do better with this. I do believe, that there is no limit of earning. I know the days when I used to earn so little. I was living even then. I'm slaving myself to the salary. I'm doing shitty work sometimes at work just for salary. 

I want to live life, on my terms now. Lets set a goal for myself to be retire from job by. year 2026.

My Decision of Future

I had an off today from office, which I did not tell at home.

I wasted that complete day by just watching useless facebook videos. I did few stock market classes, but they were not useful. Overall, a wasted day.

In morning, Kanika went to our flat where Sudhir came for first time, for carpenter work.

Once she came back, she was in no mood to prepare lunch. We ordered a Pizza that Daksh loved it. We ordered two pizzas, one that Daksh loves, second that Bhavika can eat. There is no room for our choices :(

In evening, we got our stuff for carpenter like boards, ply etc. Those stuff was not going through lift. Guard was also troubling them. I had to go there. Me and Daksh went there by cycle.

They had to load those heavy boards by their own through stairs.

I entered the flat, and saw the progress by POP work on walls. The walls were butter smooth by their work, it was awesome to see that. The flat is looking nice. It gives a feeling of a wider/open flat.

Gorav Singal

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