https://www.lifeintext.com/journals/my-decision-to-leave

Since I've applied to another team. I was almost ready to go there. I was winding up my work, doing KTs to others.

Here in Adobe, hiring got freezed. And the position I applied for, could not be cleared. So, I'm back to current team. 

Suman informed me this, and the message was that team is happy to have you back.

I did not show any emotion, as I was getting little hint that this might happen. But, reality hit me after few days :)

Will write privately, as some people started reading this now!

My Internal Transfer Cancelled - Chaos

Today morning, I gather some courage to told her that please get ready Bhavika early we are getting late daily. I get her ready by 7:15 daily and she kept on sitting here, even then you are doing it late.
She blasted, I can not do it. Kar to rahi hun, I asked agar nahi ho raha hai, to thoda jaldi uth jao. She refused. My voice started raising.
I asked, then full time maid rakhte hain. Its not working. Daily we are leaving house by 7:50, and its only 10 mins that we need to reach school. I drive so fast, that someday we can hit someone and involved in accident. She said, hoga to ho jayega.
Then, she started shouting, you are trying to start fight. EVen in night, you are speaking about going early.
I again said, if my kids are not sleeping properly, and you are not taking care of it, then I have to speak. If I switch-off the tv even at 10:10, you complain. I ask to go inside room, you complain. What should I do.
She starting doing drama, bla bla But, not doing useful talk.

I hit my hand hard on the wall, I think I fratured my hand. I got little bruised on my fingers. I realized later, years ago. I hit my hand in similar fashion, and I had frature in my right hand. I had to miss cricket tournament. Will write about it.
My old fracture: https://www.lifeintext.com/journals/private/i-hit-my-hand-on-the-wall-hand-fractured

I think I fractured my hand - No way to talk to her

So, it was in our early marriage days. I think within-1 year after. So, in 2009.
It was useless in making her understanding for little things. It was frustrating then too. I got so annoyed from her, that I hot my hand as punch in wall. It was so hard, then I broke my bone.
I immediately had to rush to hospital. At that time, she said Sorry, and she said it was her mistake (clearly).
We went to hospital, did X-ray. It was clear bone break for 3rd finger. Doctor asked, how did it happen. I said, I fell down. He said, these kind of wounds happe when you punch someone.
They did plaster on my hand.
I had to miss my cricket tournament in NEC. I badly missed that.
Now comes the hard part. I remember, office mein Anusha always used to ask, Kanika must have taking good care of you.

Infact, after 1 day only. She asked me to help her in kitchen. Doctor asked to massage my hand with something. She refused, and said I can not do this, you need to do this by yourself. She said it with so rudeness, forget about care. And, she said, Its not my mistake :)
She tried every possible way to destroy our relationship.

I hit my hand on the wall - Hand fractured

Read https://www.lifeintext.com/journals/full-busy-day
I was out of house from 7:45 AM to 7:45 PM, and then I had meetings from 8:30 PM - 10 PM. And, she could not offer me food in the room, where I usually take dinner at 9 PM.
I said nothing to her, make food warm, took it. I tried not to speak single word. But, inside I was hurting.

She could not even gave me food

5:45 - Wake up. Went for milk. Did not get it, as bufallo's calf drank all milk :)

6:40 - Time to awake kids, get ready/bath Bhavika

5:30 - Came back home, time for Daksh's chess class

5:45 - Went for Daksh class along with him

6:00 - Reached there, dropped Daksh, went to society club where I dropped Daksh. 

Picked a book - Definition of Joy from some acharya.

7:20 - Came back from library, did little walk. Saw kids playing, trying to find joy :)

10:00 Took dinner, watched little movie. Ask kids to goto sleep

Full Busy Day

Few days back, my parents came home. Our fight was ongoing. So, we were in bad mood.
I wanted to buy my mom a new phone. Even in fight, I told her that I want to buy her a mobile.
And, I ordered one. After few days, I was sitting with my parents, kanika was also there.
I dont know on which thing, she bluntly told in front of my father that she is not aware that you are buying this phone, and her tone was so rude. She said this to make sure my parents listened to this.
I was furious to this. Lets say, she felt bad that I didn;t tell her that I've ordered it. She should have shared this with me alone. But no!

She want to raise the fight - How can she be so dumb

I was seeing, as always she kept her bad face/bad mood in front of my parents. Although, she was in fever too.&nbsp;
But, as soon as they went. I could see a different smile on her face.
I felt so bad about my parents, about me. We did not deserve this.
I can count many times, when she always keep in bad mood in front of them. I feel very bad about them.
But, now they also realized this. They told me that why she always remain in tensed mood.

She kept showing her bad mood in front of my parents

Today is mom's birthday. I've gifted her a new mobile phone. Her every phone was given by me :)

It looked good. I got a good deal on flipkart.

Today Mom's Birthday - Gifted Mobile

I see there is no point in regretting if I need to live with kids. I thought again and again, kids are my life and I just cant imagine life without kids.
My health shows my stress, my face shows sign of stress. I can't take this any longer.&nbsp;
I need to handle this. I already have no dependency on her. I have to remove remaining as well. I need to hire a maid for food.

I need to handle life now - No point of regret - kids are my life

Yesterday as well, in front of my mother. I prooved that she has no point and she is guilty. Everytime, she started some nonsense talks, which has no relevance.
I raised point of Parantha. I very clearly asked, if I like Parantha very much, where should I request for this, tumhe hi bolunga na. I do my breakfast in office for 5 days, no request. I just asked you to make it in one of day (Saturday/Sunday). You straight away refused.
And, she refused in front of mother too. I can't make it, with a non-sense excuse that kids do not like it. I was like, kids do not like it! Yesterday only, you asked my mom to make paranthas for them, as they dont like the veg made.&nbsp;
She has no point, no agenda, just full of bullshit.

She Clearly Have Nothing to Defend - Full of Drama

She came in morning in front of my parents, and said quite badly: Aapko awaaz to aa hi rahi hogi raat mein, hamare jhagde ki. I was looking at her face. She complained them about I said of leaving her. I said nothing, My father felt bad, and he just said few words of resolving it and left.
My mother came after few minutes, with us. Started a conversation. I had to speak. I again rest my case. And, she again said bla-bla. I actually proved my point. I let Kanika said that she also agreed that the words her mother said were wrong. Then, why the hell you couldn't pacify me by just saying those words at that time. I just asked you to talk to your mom, will you like if I would talked to her directly. She agreed. But again, she dramatically tried to move here and there. I bluntly said, look kahan ghuma fira rahi hai.&nbsp;
Then, she was sitting in the room. I asked to goto market. She said No. You have disrespected my parents. I was like, you are so concerned about them, what about me.

She had actually disturbed the atmosphere of her home too. The thing that could have been handled in cooler way, she handled it so badly.
I thought, I will talk to her dad. He didn't pick my phone. I was quite cool, I didn't want to fight with them. Instead, I just wanted to cool down things which Kanika has messed up. But, he didn't pick the phone.

She Has Actually Raised this Fight this time - Unnecessarily

So, we are not on talking terms from past few days, since when we came back from her home.
Today, I thought of asking her the question: What is the series of events when we stopped talking. She herself started another conversation that what will we do in going to fair. And, I got the oppurtunity to ask this question.
I repeated:
- We went super happily to your house
- We went to Haridwar temples happily, everything going happy-happy
- Then, I complained you about you guys didn't let me sleep. Shouted in my room, near my bed, where I was sleeping. To which said, you were in a function. I asked, which function. There was no relative that night, everybody else was busy here and there. So, I slept, that too in my room. But, you guys came there, started speaking like there is nobody. She was not ready to accept.
- I continued, then I complained you about your mom's taunts. I simply asked you to talk to your mom and said he is not liking your taunts, please do not speak like that. She straight away refused. I can not talk to her. I was like, then I should talk to her directly? If I will not talk to you about this, then whom.&nbsp;
I justified my situation that its an insult. She is not ready for that.
She continued said, when you were in need they were there for you. I said I agree, but nobody can accept his or her insult. Its only words which destroys relationship, what else. She is not ready. She started speaking bla bla.
She said, your father did bad mouthing by sitting there. I said, its bad. In past as well, you said me so many things. I was with you. I even talked to my parents about some things. But, you straight away refused to say anything on my face.
She said, you were scolding Daksh for nothing. I justified again. Historically, she never let me scold Daksh. Due to this, Daksh does not understand this. He thinks I'm bad.

I used to think that she will be the one due to which my relationship with in-laws will be bad. This becomes true. She said, she has talked this to her home. I was like, ab baat bigad gayi, to keh diya. Pehle hi sambhal leti, to kuch hota hi nahi.

She is Unmanageable - Unwanted - Bad Mood

I'm realizing that this time its dead now.
I'm completely broken from inside. I'm feeling trapped by her family.
I see, even if I raise my voice. or I try to resolve the issue by a get-together of my parents, her parents. Nothing will come out. I don't want to die. But, I want peace in life.
She said, navratri aa rahe hain. Aise hi rehna hai kya. I did not reply anything to her.
Now, there is nothing left between her and me.
I did not even see her face properly from last 1 week.
I simply do not have the courage to take this big step of asking for divorce. But, I know one more big bad behavior from her side, and I'm done.

The Relationship with K is Dead

I noticed, everytime I goto my in-laws. I got acidity problem. Read my hectic September. 

This time, my vomiting started really bad. I also got loose motions. I took old medicines, and thinking I will get relief. But in midnight, I got vomiting again. I was having really bad headache.

I thought of going to Hospital. It was 1:30 AM.

I decided not to disturb anyone, left a message on whatsapp for Kanika, and left for Hospital. It was painful to drive that time. 

Anyhow, I reached hospital. Thankfully, I got the staff. They checked, and told that I was dehyderated much. They needed to put drip. I agree.

I told them, that I can be here till 6 only as I need to drop my kids to school. I did vomit there as well.

In morning, my alarm rang. I called the doctors, did billing formalities. I was feeling better. I reached home. I called Milk-wala that I can not come today.

Then, I let my kids awake, get them ready for school, and dropped them to school.

After Hectic Schedule - Worse Health - Hospital Admit

It was our brother-in-law retirement party. We had to go YamunaNagar. I had to miss my office party. On Friday, Ritesh from our office booked a cricket ground, and we played late till around 7. It was fun. So, we went on Saturday. Kids were having holiday on Monday, so I thought of being there till Monday. My parents love being with my kids.

My In-laws had bhagwad Gita program (8 days program). I told them, that I can not come for full program or both weekends. But, they insisted much. My wife wanted to go. So, we planned to go both weekends there.

When I returned from there, I got much vomiting. I had to take 2 days holidays from office.

Agani visit to In-laws, for ending of program. It was bhandara. Again, lot of fried food. And, this time my health got worsen that I had to admit to hospital.

And, on coming Monday, I had to visit to a death-ceremony program.

Hectic September - Too Much Travel

Today, I mustered the courage to ask Kanika. What happened to you, we didn't had a fight. I just told you the bad behavior of your parents. She started blasted again, shouting. You were only not talking, your mood is not good.
Then, she started story from there. When, I was sleeping and I got angry at them for shouting when I slept. She said, it was function and you were sleeping. I calmly said, I was sleeping in my room and nobody was there, no relative. I was tired and slept. No, you shouldn't have slept, you were in function. I said, everybody was busy. I cant wait when your brother came from work at 11:30 and then I started talking. Cant you see, if someone is sleeping, its common courtesy to keep silent.&nbsp;
But no, she was not ready to listen.
Deewar par sir mar lo apna.
I was seriously thinking what to do with her. Separating looks too good option to me. But again, kids.
I would have separated, even I thought that I will bear all the expense of kids and her. I can not see the two kids living separately. More than me, I thought of my parents. Kids wil be separated from them as well. Whole family will be broken.
One girl can do such harm, its so painfull.

Gorav Singal

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