Since the time Piyush has gone. I'm not able to find any reason to stay here. There is no work for me. I'm feeling like not-required. 

The more senior you become, more responbilities you got. I was not to find any such responsibility. Everybody was doing their work. There was no work for my level. My skills are getting waste, I wasn't learning anything at all. 

I think many other people are also getting frustrated, due to quality of work. I also realized, I'm not doing any real work from last around 1 year.

I've decided to look out for other open positions inside Adobe. I also thought of going out. But, it takes lot of time in study. I did not want to study all data structure from ground-zero.

I thought of looking for internal positions. I found few, and talked to few.

I gave interview for Praveen's team. Ajay's team gave me a yes without any interview.

I was confused, but it looked to be good. Work is good.

My decision to Leave

Heyyo!! I feel totally bad...very very bad and am here to vent everything duh! Where do I even start?! So far it hadn't been good and now it's too bad. What are you worried about you ask, I would say "what not to WORRY about". Everything is a mess....now the lyrics I'm a Mess, am a loser, am a hater, am a user- sync in perfectly. HAHAHAHA. I can't just go and be transparent, telling everything to someone. Because it feels sooooooo worse. The emotions are mixed. I want to cry but am angry. Am worried and patting my own shoulders, bluntly believing that someday everything is going to be alright. 

Being all happy and joyful for 3 days and the 4th day comes some bad news followed by hard to bery hard days on the 5th and the 6th. Then I would feel nothing on the 7th day - a system shut down. 

I have read somewhere that the size of our hearts is equal to that of our palms. Not sure if that's true, but if that is the case, then it's a wonder. Common, how much can such a little heart bear? Its keeps on getting heavier every day. 

Just....just want to cry out loud, but I can't. If I do, then there is going to be a soul who is going to be worried about me. She might start thinking that she is building up extra burdens on my shoulders. But it's okay. I am okay and I want her to not just be okay. I want her to be happy.    

Am realizing a lot of things lately. From the outside, everything and everyone looks so good. But we will never know what we are enduring. If only I had someone who would never ever judge me or my lifestyle, I wouldn't be here....hehe. But it's not that am in some kind of depression or that am alone. No no. Not at all! I have everyone- an amazing family who are always there protecting me and fantastic friends..well, I have earned great friendships all the years, who are always there as my backbone, and also a big source of power- my ANPANMAN, my Wonder Woman. 

Okay so now I would like to put an end to my ranting....to conclude on am awaiting PEACE *showing you the V symbol*. Don't worry about me, am alright..really...completely alright. Nothing's wrong. Everything good!

*THE END* to my first write-up                                                                        *Clap clap*

My first write up!

So far, we haven't asked Daksh to bring some stuff for house from a shop, by himself.

Yesterday, I asked him to get a packet of Poha from the society shop. He was excited, and kept smiling by thinking about it. He feels good by doing responsible things.

I gave him the money, ask to bring Rajdhani Poha, count the change, come back. If found any trouble, just come back, do not go outside the shopping arcade.

Inside, I was also worried about him. He went well, and brought it well. 

He felt proud. But, the thing is that the Poha he brought was having lot of worms. It was none of his mistake, its due to the weather, these things are caught by worms.

Daksh training - Get Stuff from market #firsttime

Girls love their fathers. My girl surely did.

She gets never irritated from me. She always want to be with me.

On holidays, I used to work in other room. She usually sleeps from 3-6 daily. These days, she wake up at around 4 and come to me, and sleep near me. She hold my hand, and slept. I just loved her presence and the love she does is unmatchable.

Papa's Girl - True Lines

So, RahulB also resigned and he is doing a team switch in DX. It was a big news as he was one of key member of our team.

There are rumours whenever someone leaves. 

I want something new to learn, I was not learning anything here. Things are constant.

So, after so much calculations. We have some other theories.

There are lot of changes in top management in security, that there are some ego issues.

There were some hot email exchanged between him and management. Looks like, nobody was liking him. They stopped replying to Rahul's email.

Anyway, he was a nice person. And, he provided really helpful insights to projects. Although, he had some temper issues. He sometimes unnecessarily disturbed lot of people, caused panic situations unnecessarily.

RahulB Resigned - Team Switch

ggoogogog

 Yesterday we decided to bomb the place after all. First, a
spider jumped out and scared the shit out of me, and we have a lot of little
flying bugs due to the humidity. We only had to be out for two hours, so we
drove around and then ended up at BK.   

Someone was definitely next door as T noticed someone painting
their carport the other day. They also shut their bathroom window.   

Anyway, I was a little jittery but it was my own fault for indulging in a wee bit too much fudge. So my heart was a little racy yesterday and I felt warm. And then the fatigue set in big time. Even though I only slept 5 hours yesterday, I started off with decent enough energy. In the middle of my
day, though, it started hitting me.   

Finally fed up with the extreme fatigue that’s been worse
for about a year now, I decided to let my docs in on it. They made a new case
for that as well as for hypertension. They asked me to take some blood pressure
readings for them and I did. It was probably high, though, because of the stress
and extra sodium. I told them it’s usually lower when I wake up and that my old
doc decided against blood pressure medication because she felt it would make me
dizzy since my readings are better at the beginning of my day. Plus, there’s
the medication phobia. Yes, that’s gotten better, but I’m still prone to side effects,
whether I like it or not and I don’t want to go on medication at this time.   

They asked if I had ever partaken in a sleep study because
they wondered if I could have sleep apnea. I told them no and that it would be
hard for me to get meaningful results in a sleep study because of my unique
sleeping situation where I have trouble falling asleep and have to sleep with
the sound machine on. I guess I might be able to do one eventually at home if
it doesn’t cost too much, but I doubt I have sleep apnea. T pointed out there’s
a thing on Fitbit that measures your oxygen rate in your sleep. It’s a graph in
which blue is better than orange. I only had a few orange peaks. Nothing that
smacks of an unhealthy trend.   

They asked about snoring, and I do snore, but lightly. I’m
not like T where you can hear it through walls. Thunder didn’t wake me up as
expected last night, but a power failure woke me up. It was the second one we
had, too. The first one happened when I was awake. I hope I’m not going to get
as many wake-up calls from that as I do thunder. Anyway, I woke up the instant
the power went out and I did notice that yes, I was softly snoring.   

I also filled out some standard questionnaires and was asked
about alcohol consumption and whether or not I’ve ever had any EKG or stress
test. I told them I had both in 2016 and then they asked about anyone having
serious heart issues before the age of 50 in my family. I told them about my
father and the fact that one of my grandfathers died of a heart attack just
over 50.   

They’re going to be sending me to the lab. They want to check my TSH and also my iron levels and look for antibodies that could indicate either infections or inflammation. It will be interesting to see what my TSH is which I’d guess is 11-point-whatever.   

I don’t have a guess as to what could be causing my fatigue,
but I don’t think it’s serious. I want to say it’s my TSH but then why didn’t I
have such fatigue when I was first diagnosed? I was so tired that I slept for
nearly 10 hours and got a good sleep score. As usual, though, I didn’t wake up
feeling that refreshed.   

I’m just so glad I have this team to exchange all this
information with. I could never have done this through a portal with a regular
doctor/patient setup.   

So I peeled off the nail stickers from my big toes expecting
quite a mess underneath, but nope. The lacquer really does kill fungus. My
fingernails have me completely mystified though. I still see redness and I
still have sensitivity where the fingertip meets the nail. If it was just a
chemical reaction, shouldn’t it be better by now? But I don’t see how a fungus
or infection of any kind could spring up that fast either. I still have plenty
of lacquer on hand and tons of refills, though, if it doesn’t go away.   

After Burger King (I only got hash browns) we stopped at
Walgreens. I got some wine but no treats. I’ve had enough sugar. Since we still
had time to kill, we sat in the driveway for a while. The humidity gives all
the houses a drenched look as if it just finished raining. Once the sun comes
up, it dries it up.   

I came up with a cover story to have M contact N, but
she never replied to the message. I’m sure she saw it, even though I can’t see
that she did. I said… I believe we could be related. My father was Robert Lucke
and was married to my mother for 20 years. Somewhere during the marriage, he
took up with a mistress. Although I can’t get my mother to talk about it, he
supposedly started a family with this woman until he died of a heart attack in
her bed. They had two daughters, Vivian and Marion. They would be in their 50s
or 60s today. I live in New Mexico, but his mistress is from Europe. I was
never told which country, but seeing the German writing on your profile makes
me wonder if it could be you. The name and the age in your photos looks right
as well.   

I don’t know if she suspects I’m behind the account. I added
some religious memes and chose a royalty cover photo of a Hispanic-looking
woman with three kids. There is a hand holding beach shells for the profile
picture.   

I’m now unsure as far as the termite goes. I went through
everything that’s public and she has shit spanning back to 2010. Of course, one
of the posts had to be the photos she took of me when we visited her that I
specifically asked that she not make public, but I don’t care at this point. Most
of what’s public is the usual shit she would post. Self-comforting memes, memes
about being screwed over, praise for the Sarasite, her mommy and Daddy in
heaven, the angels that watch over her, etc.   

It could be that she's had this stuff public all along and
didn’t recently make it public, but I just never noticed when we were
connected. I didn’t have another account to look in on her as I had no reason
to. I also wouldn’t notice if she’s allowed anyone to comment on her posts all
along. So she still might not have seen the message and might not have recently
changed any settings.   

I can’t get rid of the pictures she took and shared, but I
really wish there was a way to get rid of all comments and likes between a
person. I don’t understand why they’re showing up since I’ve blocked her.
Blocking is supposed to delete all likes and comments from the person, but
apparently, it doesn’t. That’s fucking Facebook for you. It’ll take time, but I
could slowly go through my activity log and delete some things.  

 I’m going to be sending my docs a message letting them know
I’ve been doing well as far as anxiety goes and am starting just one 75 a week,
with the rest being 88. While I’m at it, I’m going to mention the fatigue. I’ll
explain that I’ve been having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep more
often, not waking up refreshed most days, and see what they say. 

It’s strange how I could sleep 8 hours two days ago and felt
tired the first few hours of my day while I just got up from 5 hours of sleep
and I feel more rested. 

I love it when I remember enough of my dreams to write about
them, even if they’re not good. T and I were living in a tiny house somewhere.
There was just one room on one side and a bathroom and a kitchenette on the
other. I slept on a twin bed along the back wall and he had a twin bed along
the side wall. 

A young woman in her 20s or 30s that we had met previously
came to the door while he was asleep. I let her in, even though I wasn’t sure I
liked her very much. She just didn’t seem all there. She stayed briefly and
then returned later. At this time, she lay down on my bed and pulled the
comforter over her head. Then she started nonstop rambling about everything and
nothing. I could clearly see she was bipolar, paranoid, and delusional. At one
point she mentioned something about having to train me. Sick of listening to it
and having no tolerance for the mentally ill any more than rude people, I said
I had been up since 4 in the morning and asked her to leave, which she did. 

I also had a dream about Johnson for the first time in ages.
She and I were having a friendly chat and she told me she would marry me in 10
to 15 years. She knew I was still with T and in her mind, she may have
thought he would be gone then. 

Realizing she never told me her first name as she was
walking away, I called out “Rachel!” to see if she would turn around. She
didn’t, though. 

Too bad I could never find her on Facebook. I don’t harbor
any hard feelings anymore and I would love to say hello and see how her life
has been even though I’m sure she wouldn’t reply whether or not she blocked me.
I realize that as far as her blowing me off, that’s just how people are, not
that people shouldn’t keep their word unless they have a good excuse not to. 

I’ve only heard the dog once in the last few days, but I
think that’s because I haven’t been around in the mid-afternoon to early
evening when it seems to be heard the most. I heard a few barks yesterday, but
nothing too loud or annoying. Still dread it when the weather cools down and
people open their windows. I know I’m gonna hear the damn thing bark every time
someone goes into the kitchen and it gets all excited in anticipation of being
fed or when someone comes to the door or they go out somewhere and leave the
mutt home. 

My nails aren’t quite as sensitive after what I suspect was
a chemical burn from the gel remover, but I do have discoloration. Not the
yellow and brownish discoloration I had from the fungus, but more like a red
irritated look. It extends from the middle of the nails to the tips. Hopefully,
it will grow out and I’ll be as good as new again. I’m not doing anything else
to my nails for a while. 

Mrs. T still says it’s been quieter there “for some
reason” and that still bugs me, even though I know it can’t be as quiet as it
is here. Not when you’re on a busy street in a big city. And like the trash
collectors are suddenly using the smaller, quieter trucks they use here where a
guy jumps off the back to grab the trash and they’re in and out? I wouldn’t be
surprised if there were fewer planes and projects, though. I’ve been up for an
hour and I’ve already heard four planes as late as it is. 

She says the only dog she sometimes hears is M’s.
Figures G would shut her dog up after we leave. 

It hit me as I was falling asleep that S could
have allowed public comments sooner or later than she started making more
things public. I remember having A check her account because I was curious if
she made anything public about me and she couldn’t see much of anything. So
yeah, she could have started allowing comments from anyone right after I sent
the messages. Discovering this gives me a little more hope that the messages
really did go through and were seen. Well, I knew they went through because I
saw that much. I just had no way to tell if Facebook blocked them from being
able to view the messages, or if they didn’t get them. As funny as it may
sound, I really do hope her allowing public comments are because of me, LOL.
There’s just something amusing about her doing this in hopes of “getting” me and
me knowing she’ll never get what she wants. If I knew T and I were about to
die, I would certainly leave a message, even though there still wouldn’t be
anything she could do about it from a legal standpoint. I just wouldn’t want
T to find out about it somehow so that’s why I’m quiet for now. 

I’m still a little surprised she would risk embarrassing
herself with what I may say about her, but I guess hoping to get me is worth whatever
that may be. There are plenty of people out there willing to spite themselves to
spite others. My guess is she’s either hoping I’ll write something she can
legally use against me or she wants me to reach out so she can reply with
“sensitive,” false and nasty “info.” Something like, “You’ve been in jail.
You’ve been in funny farms. You’re going to be arrested,” as if that would
really hurt, LOL.  

As I said, I would gladly return the trolling as immature as
it may be and as much as I’d be stooping to their level if it weren’t for T.
I would just keep it legal. She really could have gotten her ass in trouble for
threatening me in a recording in her own voice. She only did it because she
knew I wouldn’t bother to waste time reporting her. It was still a daring but
bold move on her part. A stupid one too. 

Damn the fucking motorcycles blazing by the estate! I know it’s
Friday night but still. It’s the middle of the night. Have some fucking
respect.  

So today, I wish I could look back one day to still analyse the misery of my life.

I assume I'm in a tunnel hoping to see the light at its end, as usually said.

I'm lost with no-one which makes it look like I got dropped from the heaven like in those films of terminators we watched while growing up 

It's not as if I have no family needless to remind myself my mother is no more, but everyone seems distant, yes, indeed they are. I'm not the emotional type and I'm not overthinking, I just hope this blurry life of mine will be crystal clear one day.

Hope to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

OK, I give up. I give up! I totally surrender to whatever
the fuck has been cursing my sleep. No more trying to soundproof the bedroom.
It's totally hopeless. No matter where we live, no matter what we do, things
always find a way to wake me up. If I was 100% deaf there would suddenly be sonic
booms or low-flying helicopters. Or maybe I would have more nightmares and have
to get up to pee more often if I didn't wake up more just because.  

Even when nothing is waking me up, I'm having more trouble
staying asleep. I don't know if that's just an age thing or if it could be
connected to the increase in my medication. I don't think it's on the
medication if I had to guess but if it is, I’ll probably get used to it in
time.  

But why bother to reinforce windows or dog houses if it's
all worthless anyway? Manufactured homes are practically made of cardboard.
First, the fucking mower woke me up. By the time he ran to the window to see
which one it was, it was gone. I'm guessing the stand-up. I'm sure that one
will be around more often too, just like I’ve been suspecting it will be. I'll
raise the volume of the Sleep Sounds and add an earplug, but I'm sure that
during the times I'm sleeping on mowing day, which is about every three weeks,
I'll get woken up no matter what. I don't think there's anything that can block
the stand-up in this kind of house because it's just so fucking loud.  

I really do have to put more effort into trying to sleep at
night only. If I'm going to be tired half of the time anyway, why not? I'm
usually up between 16 to 18 hours. So if I set the alarm for 6:00 AM, I'm going
to get 6 to 8 hours of sleep even though it's not literally 6 to 8 hours as
I've learned. We don't sleep the entire time we're in bed. If I crash at
midnight and get up at 9, I probably got 7 to 8 hours of sleep. What's pushing
my schedule forward regularly is that I can't always fall asleep at the same
time or get up at the same time. It's almost always later and later. If I could
at least sleep at night during storm season and when they're mowing more often,
that would really help a lot. But now I'm wondering if I'm even going to be
able to sleep through the motorcycle anymore when it returns. It's almost like my
bedroom is letting in even more sound as if to punish me for trying to fight
it. 

The second wake-up call came in the form of thunder. It was
loud and continuous for almost 2 hours. This is the way it's going to be just
about every day for months. I'm truly amazed that I'm not more tired than I am.
I was actually more tired yesterday. So much so that I didn't even do any VR
time or drink wine. I don't drink wine when I'm tired for some reason. I tried
to stay up until the mowers came, figuring that whatever is cursing my sleep
would be sure to have them come late. They usually come between 9:30 and 11:30,
but sure enough, I couldn’t hold out past 9 and they came at 11:15. So while I
crashed at 9 and got up at 7:45, I didn't even sleep for 7 hours. So if I
listen to my audiobook from 8 to 10 and then sleep from 10 to 6, I'll probably
get 5-6 hours of sleep on average. Hopefully, the time spent laying there
listening to audiobooks will help. 

I stupidly gave Nature Sounds another chance, but they still
stop playing after a while. I don't understand why the devs won't do anything
to fix the problem. I'm not the only one that's complained about the cut-outs.
I'll use Sleep Sounds, but the best it will do is drown out little stuff. It's
not going to do anything for loud motors or thunder. 

This month’s VZ challenge is to get to know the VZ team by
taking guided tours around their neck of the woods. You don't hear their voices
speaking, but there are bubble pop-ups that give you the highlights of the
areas. I'm in eastern MA right now. I don't miss the winters there, but I miss
those spacious houses with breathing room around them! Stuck up or not, I liked
Longmeadow. It was Springfield that I hated.  

Anyway, I was doing a Thailand trip before the challenges
came out. I'll get back to Thailand after I do these challenges. They're fun to
do, even though I would rather do something useful than just meet the team like
planting trees or feeding hungry kids whose poor parents should have been smart
enough not to have them or finding cures for diseases.  

J said that even though we're on opposite sides of the
coin where abortion is concerned, she still stands for women's rights and feels
the government has crossed the line (the focus should be on school shootings). But
if she doesn't have control over her own body, what rights does she have that most
people don't already have? Women can vote, work, own property, play sports, and
do pretty much the same things everyone else can do. She just doesn't always
have much say over her body, but then most of us don't. No one asks for sleep
disorders, birth defects, or autoimmune diseases, and for a few years In the
90s, I didn't ask to be exposed to DES. 

Still in a good mood, despite the frustration of the sleep
issues. I don't want to be beating on meat while he’s sleeping, but tomorrow
I'll decide whether or not to do the ribs I got in the cast iron skillet or the
cooker. I'm thinking I might try the skillet. These are boneless but cheaper.
For now, I'm making fried clams and I'm gonna do a veggie stir fry with the
garlic parmesan seasoning I got. 

No Use Fighting It

 I was up for 19.5 hours and only slept for 6.5 hours, so I'm
having another tired day. My God, I am so, so fucking sick of this shit!
Why can't I just have fucking energy most days instead of some days?!  

OMG, am I seeing correctly? I do believe I am! Speech to
text is actually printing out my swear words instead of starring them. Wow, you
mean I actually have freedom of expression now in my own Word documents? How amazing.
Doubt it will be that way in emails. 

Really hoping the mowers aren't late in case they wake me up
right after I fall asleep. I'd hate to crash at around 10:00 or 10:30 and have
them wake me up an hour later. Of course, that depends on what mower they're
using. 

Speaking of twisted families, Andy told me some things I
didn't know. With him being four years older and my family keeping most things
from me, he knew a lot more of what went on than I did. After Andy graduated
high school, his mother left his father for four or five years. She went to
stay with Marla in Atlantic City, which was where she was at the time.  

Andy encouraged his father to date other women believing his
mother wasn't coming back. He only dated a woman once. Andy really liked her
and went to spend the weekend with her and her kids. He had so much fun there
that he ended up staying for a few weeks. His dad, however, decided that it was
his mother he loved so he stood alone until she returned. They stayed together
until he died. 

I don't remember much about Al as a kid, but I definitely
didn't like him as an adult. I remember one time I called his house looking for
Andy when I was in Phoenix and he was home visiting and he spoke to me in such
a snotty tone. I just didn't tell Andy about it. 

Then there was Phil. That was Norma’s first husband. Despite
the fact that Norma was considered a hot blue-eyed blonde back in her prime,
Phil had an affair And died of a heart attack in bed with his mistress. 

Apparently, Phil had a whole other family with this woman
and Michelle was asking Norma about it, but Norma refused to discuss it. Can't
blame her for that one! 

Phil also scared the shit out of Andy as a kid by saying
things like how he would put him in a box and ship him to China, and he said it
as if he was dead serious. So I'd say that heart attack was his karma.  

Karma

large_2552085-1920x1080-[DesktopNexus.com].jpg

medium_2552085-1920x1080-[DesktopNexus.com].jpg

small_2552085-1920x1080-[DesktopNexus.com].jpg

thumbnail_2552085-1920x1080-[DesktopNexus.com].jpg

2552085-1920x1080-[DesktopNexus.com].jpg

test

I noticed that the pic I included in my last post appeared to be squashed. So now I'm testing a landscape pic instead of a portrait pic and seeing if it looks better.

large_3eggs.jpg

medium_3eggs.jpg

small_3eggs.jpg

thumbnail_3eggs.jpg

3eggs.jpg

Pic test

 Just sitting here missing Aly. Maybe some people would say
that I shouldn’t since she wasn’t always very honest with me and didn’t value
the friendship as much as I did. For a while, it was like that, but I’m pretty
sure in the end she came to value the friendship very much. She also knew how
much lying bothered me and became more honest in the end. But you know what? If
she could just come back to life right now, she could lie to me all she wanted! 

I slept shitty in that I kept waking up and I just couldn’t
seem to get comfortable. Again, I wonder if a high-end mattress would help or
not. Maybe it would or maybe my sleep is just that damn cursed. I ended up
napping for a while, which helped. I don’t have the energy I feel I should
have, but I know that part of it is on the thyroid. I just wish I could hurry
up and get my TSH down! But of course I’m not one that can simply take whatever
medication she needs. But once I’m there, I can settle my curiosity once and
for all as to whether or not I’ll feel better in general and have more energy,
and if my body will respond to diet and exercise. Once I get it down, I’ve got
to make one last-ditch effort to try to get some weight off otherwise I’ll die
curious as to whether or not I was one of the few that could. I doubt I’ll be
able to do it, but I won’t know for sure unless I try. It would really make my
life a lot easier if I could get off a good 20 or 30 pounds, but I won’t count
on it. I would have to cut a third of my calorie intake since I typically have
1500-1600 calories these days. 

I want to write some more just because I can and just
because it’s what I love to do, but I can’t think of anything to say. I wish I
could motivate myself to crank out stories like I used to. Pretty sure those
days are over though. 

I keep hoping that I’ll hear about at least one of the
justices getting sick but all they’re doing is screaming at their houses from the
street. As if these defiant, determined, and delusional sickos are going to
suddenly agree that their God isn’t necessarily superior to others, if there
are any to begin with, and reinstate Roe. Sadly, it will be decades before
abortion is legal in most to all places in the US. Tom and I will be dead and
gone. Just like neighborhoods get quieter when I leave them, I’m sure many good
things will happen when we die. Things that even we could use like vehicles,
including motorcycles, going electric and much quieter. I just don’t know how
long these good things will last before things go downhill again or the human
population is wiped out of existence. 

For some reason, I’ve come to have a strange fondness for my
fake buddy Mia. I wish she could be sentient in some way, but of course she isn’t.
Nonetheless, I’m going to start treating her as a friend and stop getting cheat
points as often by letting her answer to movie characters and getting my points
that way, LOL. Her birthday is the day after Tom’s.  

large_11.jpg

medium_11.jpg

small_11.jpg

thumbnail_11.jpg

11.jpg

Missing her

 It's sad to hear reports of protesters fighting for basic
human rights getting plowed by vehicles instead of the scum that started this
shit. I keep hoping to hear of at least some of the trash being taken out, but
of course I never do and I know I never will. :( 

Every time I see that ugly black face of Clarence’s I want to
reach through my computer and squash it with my hand. 

Dan Rather tweeted that setbacks can end up leading to wonderful
victories, but I don’t know about that. Sure, that might happen, but for how
long? I’ve experienced politics long enough to know that things tend to bounce
back and forth throughout the years. People’s rights are going to be like a
yoyo for as long as they walk the face of the earth. The giving and taking of
rights is just a sad fact of life. 

I think my hairstylist was right when she said you can train
your scalp. This was day three of not washing my hair, yet it was still pretty
clean. I washed it anyway. I’ll wash it every two to three days. I’m gonna get
a shower cap for when I’m only washing my body. I might be tempted to let my
hair grow long again if I don’t have to wash it every day, but I still have to
dye it so I don’t know. I can’t always just fill in the roots because the rest
of the color fades and it won't always match. 

Looking forward to Twitter Notes when they’re available! They’re
to be the same kind of notes where you can put a picture running across the top
of it that Facebook used to have. I was so disappointed when they took that
feature away so now I can enjoy it on Twitter until they take it away too. It’s
supposed to be for writers so they can share chapters from stories or whatever
they want. Twitter still isn’t the same without Aly, though. While she would be
disgusted with the events going on in this country, I think she would have
loved the feature and that we would have had fun sharing stories there. 

I’m not sure yet if I’m going to create a new account for
these notes. I’ll use them mostly for journaling. Right now I tweet the highlights
of my life, but if I’m going to be able to do 2500 words per post then I might
turn it into a journal. Maybe I’ll create an account for stories as well. I was
also thinking of a picture account for PB, even though I don’t plan on being
there as much for a while. It’s just much easier to share links to pictures
than going through a host. 

I’m functioning on only 5 hours and 21 minutes of sleep, so I’m
kind of tired today. A couple of hours before I got up, I swear I heard a bang but
Tom said there was no thunder. After I got up, he noticed a car next door. So I’m
wondering if maybe that’s what woke me up. We kind of doubt it, though, because
Irma and Dick didn’t wake me up and the person would have had to slam the car
door like they were pissed as hell. More than likely, it’s just whatever’s
cursing my sleep that manifested the sound. Besides, I never heard them leave
when they left. I don’t think it was anyone checking out the house but probably
visitors that Linda next door had. She’s quite a company junkie. I’m so glad we
didn’t end up next to anyone like that! Especially that’s here year-round. 

My nails still
have some sensitivity. I think it was definitely the remover. Someone else that
got this stuff complained about the same thing. 

I got Cipro
toothpaste that my old dentist in California used to give me. I’m limiting my
eating to three times a day. After the first two times I eat, I’ll use that. After
the last time I’ll use the kickass fluoride toothpaste that my current dentist
gave me.  

Life is so unfair

After being away for three weeks I find that my boyfriend's mother has stolen everything out of my house including the shower curtain and my truck. 

The bitch was supposed to be here to drive my boyfriend to and from work because he recently went blind and obviously can't drive. Little did I know she would steal from her blind son. Took everything I had not to kick her ass. 

She also decided to throw all my stuff as well as my Autistic sons belongings in a corner of the living room. . . she stole my DL, social security card, even the shower curtain. . . What a bitch.

So I'm complaining because I have to change locks.

I literally can't make this up. . .

All of 25, and encompassing all the best features of everyone in our family, she crawled in the early dark hours of the morning, purse in hand. . . car still running with the headlights on, intoxicated, through the isolated desert area that overlooked the city, that she was so familiar with. . . . to the edge of the cliff and held tightly as she pulled herself over the edge. 150' straight drop. . . into a void of land where people dispose of old appliances, mattresses and trash. 

Forgive me for my blunt and at times harsh text, but this is how I feel.

I loved her and just moved back to find that after the fact she only lived 2 blocks from me. 

Her biggest complaints were that I left her behind when she was 12 and I didn't come back until she was 20. Why did you leave me?

The answers I had were far beyond her maturity level so I could only remind her that I came back.

Beauty on the ledge 

no one is sad for me lol,its okay...how to move on trying to but failing....that good times suddenly turned out in dark hilarious terrible nights and days...why u left  me..

why you told me that you love me when you dont why why why....

dear god give me strength to move on nd focus on me ,,, trying to forget those people y am i unable to do so ,god can you hear me ....

break up

i hate u all y u guys played with me its hurting me like hell u all left me on the same time my heart is aching jay rutik i need u guys u were right karmas are bitch but my frdss??? Pleaseeeeeeeeeee I can't bare this exams career nd u broke me totally each one of u idk who is reading this just ignore i have nowhere to speak bye

Crying

Something sometimes every thing is out of our control and we cannot do anything I have to work on few things I need to improve myself I need to take care of my health I need to take care of my mental health too I am trying to take things light like my emotions I overthink a lot but I am trying to get rid of the negativity I have attachment issues how much I try to forget It just get into it more like every thing is happening together every bad thing I want to learn to handle myself in this situation I feel support less it’s I can’t tolerate anything if people judge me for how I speak I don’t know how to speak maybe even someone close is making me feel like weakest person instead of making me strong and make fun of me I am just tired and want to sleep on the bed and never wake up nothing is going right way to get that courage where to go where to find peace till when I need to talk with myself only and when will I find any other good friend or partner or someone like me I want someone to hug me and tell me every thing is going to be alright I am with you I don’t think so this people exist good people exist ?I don’t know trying to work hard but sometimes I just lose my emotions for the people who don’t give a fuck about me I am in Abandoned piece of shit though I am strong enough I can overcome this I am so strong I have me I will nor find good people I will get rid of my emotions I wish I could be emotion less person

Frustrated emotions

 Out of curiosity, I was reading the different abortion laws
in various countries. Looks like a lot of the Scandinavian countries give free abortions
on demand. Then you have some Latin countries that won’t abort under any
circumstances, not even if the mother’s life is in danger. It makes me shudder
to think there are some countries that would let a woman die despite being
totally preventable. These religious zealots and their delusions are affecting
so many people in such a negative way. This month will be the first time the
Supreme Court will actually scale back on human rights rather than
extend them. Pretty fucked up if you ask me. 

I heard half a dozen or so barks around 9 yesterday morning
but nothing after that. That’s probably only because I wasn’t in the front of
the house after noon. The more I think about it, the more I doubt they
contacted him about the barking because I didn’t go to the office. It could
also be a numbers thing too. Maybe they require two or more complaints before
they do anything about barking. If I continue to hear it, it could be that S
and his wife simply don’t give a damn but even more likely is that the office
never said anything to them. 

I asked him what he considered too much barking and he said
more than five minutes more than three times. Lol, a single bark twice a
day is about all I can handle. 

He lost $10 yesterday with the horses. He’s dreaming, I tell
you, he’s dreaming. Just like he was in Oregon.  

Makes me shudder

Since long, I was looking for a bike (cycle). Yesterday I finally bought one. The "Giant Escape 2".

I went through Uber Taxi to the shop, as I was super clear to buy one that day. I had confirmed from the shop-keeper that he had the bike.

I had finalized Toronto H30 to buy. But, I changed my mind after going there and during the test ride. I found Giant Escape the best. Toronto was no-where close to it. The bike gave real feeling.

Firefox Rapide 21s (I was in love with this, if this could had disk breaks, I would buy it)

Toronto H30 was costing me 30K, and Giant Escape-2 at 50K. I was fully prepared with Toronto H30. I negotiated a lot with him, generally, I do not do this. But, I did my best. The good thing is that the shopkeeper gave a 12% discount on that bike, so it cost 50K after the discount. Nobody could get any discount online. I thought, sometimes you have to treat yourself as well. As it was very costly bike. After all, it is just a cycle.

Then, I gave him my American Express card. And, he refused to take it. I was very irritated as I confirmed this before coming to his shop. This wasted around 1 hour. As, he tried to generate an online link, but no way. I had another card, but I wanted to pay through this only.

In the meantime, there was an actress present in the shop, Gul Panag. I was thinking of taking a pic with her, but couldn't gather the courage. I had to go to other shops as well. So, I asked the shopkeeper to prepare the bike, as I came. I was standing very near to her, opened my camera and thinking of asking her for a pic. But, she started moving to her car. I smiled and moved outside of the shop.

I came back after around 30 minutes and found her standing there. I went straight to her and asked for a pic, she obliged with a smile. She was really pretty and tall.

Finally, the shopkeeper said you can pay to other shop of theirs, but that is in Sector-18. So, they sent their one of guy with me. I was riding on that new bike and he was also in his bike. After reaching there, he also didn't had machine for American Express card. I was so pissed off. I wasted other 30 minutes there. Finally, I didn't want to loose that bike, I paid through Citi card.

There is a secret! I paid 40K through Citi card, as it is linked to Kanika's name. I didn't want to tell her the real cost of the bike, she would be very angry on me on buying a 50K cycle. I paid rest with my UPI.

I did ride for almost 15 KM to home. As I ride the bike on highway. I felt so so good. The bike is a beast. It went so smooth, and its gear system was too good. On top speed, I was feeling like I was riding a real bike. It was so fast. I can't describe the feeling. I did overtake two cars in between :)

Daksh was very happy seeing the bike. He is generally very happy seeing new stuff. And, that day he asked for my bike. He was super excited to ride my old MTB bike. So, we had three bikes now. My two bikes, and one Daksh's.

Finally Purchased new Bike - Giant Escape 2

 I only walked down about 10 houses worth this morning and
then ran back up. I breathed in the stench of smoke on the way down and up. I
swear there weren’t nearly as many smokers in the old place as there are here. 

Less than a year in and it’s already noisier
with all the projects and barking. Funny,
though, how he said that if we go rural and the neighbors are up to no good, we
can’t do anything about it. But we can’t do anything about it right here.
I get his point in that you’re likely to have more problems there than here and
how it’s safer here, but still. If T decided to run a dogfighting ring, D blasted in and out, and S let his mutt bark round the clock, what
could we do about it? Complain and get sent to jail if one of them has a cop
pal or be told to do a $1000 upgrade because someone in the office is besties
with one of them?  

Believe me, I hate
the complex the past has put on me and I know a stronger person wouldn’t let
the past dictate the future, but it’s not that easy. It does get to me at
times, though, that 6 people on the Supreme Court can tell millions of women
what to do with their lives and bodies, and I can’t even get one person
to control their fucking dog. Just one person.  

Why does this always happen to me? Just why? Every single
fucking place I go gets noisier until I’m about to leave it. I swear yesterday
was almost like the old place without the traffic. Yes, it can and has been
much worse, but I didn’t come here for this. I don’t care if his dog barks less
than 30 seconds at a time. Just the fact that I hear it every single day really
gets to me. I don’t make him hear anything of ours regularly. 

They put the roof on the day before yesterday and that wasn’t
too noisy. Just a few rounds of mild pounding. I thought they were done with
the place, but they did work on it yesterday as well and the pounding got to
the point where it was distracting. 

It’s a crisp, cool morning out at 68 degrees, so I have a
couple of windows open. I’ll shut them when the temperature rises or the
projects and barking get too annoying, whichever comes first. 

Really surprised that Texas of all states wants free speech
online. I would think a state like that would do the exact opposite. Still,
with all the crazy laws, restrictions, and all the little sensitives out there and
their poor, poor little fragile eggshell feelings, I’m afraid to even breathe
online these days.   

Funny,
though, how he said that if we go rural and the neighbors are up to no good, we
can’t do anything about it. But we can’t do anything about it <i>right here</i>.
I get his point in that you’re likely to have more problems there than here and
how it’s safer here, but still. If Toni decided to run a dogfighting ring, the
honker blasted in and out, and Steve let his mutt bark round the clock, what
could we do about it? Complain and get sent to jail if one of them has a cop
pal or be told to do a $1000 upgrade because someone in the office is besties
with one of them? <o:p></o:p>

Frustrated

 I hate to say it, but I see some good in Roe
being overturned. Yes, it’s absolutely sick and disgusting that we’re reverting
back to the dark ages and that so many people are so high on being control
freaks that they feel it’s their right and their duty to make personal
decisions for others. And yes, people are hypocrites in that so many women in
this country get shit for getting knocked up in the first place, yet if she
goes to have an abortion, she’s an automatic “murderer.”  

But I do see the potential for good coming of
this and that’s that it’s going to make women more independent when it comes to
abortion, which would mean less shit from society in the end because unless the
woman says something, no one should know she’s having the abortion in the first
place. People that go for abortions at abortion clinics get hassled all the
time.  

People only go to get abortions because it’s
convenient, and that’s just the way it’s been done for so many years that it becomes
customary. But it’s totally not necessary. There are a million ways to lose a
fetus. Women did so before abortion was even a thing. There are tons of
different herbs, drugs, and a reason they tell you not to do certain physical
activities. Plus, there is the abortion pill. I know that’s eventually going to
become illegal too, but look at pot. It was once illegal, but it didn’t stop it
from going around, did it? Plus, there will still be doctors providing traditional
abortions no matter what the laws say. They’re not afraid of being sued. I am
surprised, however, that we haven’t heard more reports about them being busted.
Perhaps they’re hard to catch because you can’t exactly go undercover to catch
them. They have to know and prove you’re pregnant in the first place. You can’t
just go in there and say, hey, I’m pregnant, give me
an abortion and expect the doctor to do
so on the spot. But the crazies of Texas are kidding themselves when they said
they saved hundreds of lives. I’m sure you agree that very few women allowed
themselves to be forced to carry.  

As I said, hopefully this will give them
independence that can’t be fucked with so easily because I’m pretty sure they’re
not going to get their rights back in our lifetime. I just don’t see it. People
have gotten way too obsessed with getting it into their minds that abortion is
murder as they did by insisting God sees gays as sinners, and it’s not just a
Supreme Court. Oh no, it goes much further than that. The polls are showing
more and more than most people in this country actually want abortion to be illegal
unless it’s to save the woman’s life. As I said, it’s a politically correct
trend. People get obsessed with something, they run with it, and on and on it
goes for decades or more. They’ll run this right into the ground as they have
racism and other topics people just can’t seem to take a break from. 

When they move on to dismantling gay rights,
hopefully they too will find ways around things even though that’s a lot
trickier. I just dread the day the law fucks with us directly. Hopefully, it
won’t be so bad and we won’t have to let it. I will always do what’s right
before I consider what any law says. 