flowers blooming in my garden&nbsp;but spring is still not here

spring

The wind was painfully blowing, making sounds like someone's sorrow is being chanted. Low mourns were coming from the animals making the sorroundings more disturbing and ruptured. A body was taking its last breadth and remembering its wonderful days of youth and loving memories “In the next life I must live well”.

Next Life

how are you okay? im falling apart.&nbsp;

messages unsent to my ex

i dont think i can do this. i cant think of a future without you. i dont want a future without you. i can wait. i can wait for you to feel like you are a good partner. you are a good partner, its just hard. last august you told me that distance meant nothing when somebody meant everything. please dont tell me this is the end. im shaking. i dont want to tell anyone, i cant. please. we still loved each other through study abroad - a &nbsp;6hr difference, a 6 hr plane ride where we could literally never see each other. this is only a 2 hr drive. why can't i be everything.&nbsp;

messages i would send to you but no contact for now

my therapy session just ended and i feel good. my (ex)girlfriend just recently broke up with me because she felt like she could not have a long distance relationship (2 hr drive) as she finishes her summer work and begins her new job and be a good partner at the same time. while that obviously hurt and had me questioning whether she loved me or not, after the session, i am feeling a little better. while i obviously am hoping that we can work it out and be together because i would move if she could promise her love to me, this session has helped me realize some things about myself. i have anxious attachment after difficult moments rather than my typical secure attachment. i have more giving energy, go with the flow energy. i like being motherly and taking care of people. i dont like when things are left unsaid or undecided because then i feel like i have to decide. i dont like not knowing. don't get me wrong, i am strong and independent, but i also like following. while i do not know what awaits between me and her, i know i will be okay. as much as i want me and her to be forever, i know that whatever happens will be okay. i am figuring myself out, figuring out how to respond, how to take care of myself and truly love myself more. thats what matters at the end of the day.&nbsp;

after relationship therapy

An American black who defied all odds and was the only one graduated from Navy Seal School and the other armies departments which I cannot recall. I broke down. I could relate how he feel and he relied on himself through the messy process of dropping half of his size, surpassed the glass ceiling and finally becoming a motivational speaking.I paused as I wanted to call Joanne and tell her how I am feeling right now. I decided to turn it into P.R.A.Y.E.R.S instead.Dear Heavenly Father,Help me. I cannot even utter what and how I am feeling right now. I am battling fatigue and it is freaking real and I need Your strength and grace to pull through today. Anxiety hits me all time high right before I wake up. 45% of Yujie's slots will be emptied by end of September. I can only fix my eyes on You. I dont know what to do liao. Even my side, 3/10 classes have graduated. Should I fold the business? I was weary battling all these insecurities for years of running the business. Worrying this and that.&nbsp;I am so drained. Perhaps recovering from the recent bout of cold makes me down and out. Lift me up, Oh Lord. Jesus, help me. I am so unwell and cannot think or process. But only to plough through the day grind. I am in so much pain, mentally. Death spirit seems to whisper, “ You have nothing to hope for. Why dont you just end it all?”What if I cannot cry out ? Can you listen to my inner cry ? time to work..&nbsp;&nbsp;

A video that brought me to tears

I was listening to youtube podcasts on living life simply. Certain people's lives sharing stirred up the deepest feelings within me. Pain, guilt, shame, hatred and more pain.&nbsp;I just shared with a HK friend last night about my family and especially my strained relationship with my mom. She showed me a perspective which I have never seen before. Yes, life dealt me a deck of cards, but I played the cards with humour. She said this is innate and it is a talnt which I have never seen it before. She asked me, can humour be created? Nope.&nbsp;When I was feeling physically weak from the period, cooking for myself, my parents and my student, I listened to people from all walks of life, around the world. Pain is not a stranger to anyone.Somehow, I felt super angry. Why must I suffer in silence? God, why cant I take the matter into my hands. Can I go to Cantonment police station and report the matter that was hidden for 25 years? I already knew what to do. A wave of pain hits me and hot scalding tears flow down. My vision is blurred. I know exactly what he did to me and I know I am very different after that. The #Metoo movement is affecting me a lot. The victims in Taiwan stepped up and report to the police. They are fully aware of the consequences but they dont want to be silenced anymore. God, why cant I do it as well?I am shaking now. Time to work.

Vengeance is mine , says the Lord

Dear Heavenly Father,&nbsp;I surrender my hatred, anger, frustrations and bitterness towards my mom to You. I dont want to have any part with my mom. I cut all ungodly soul ties with her and return to her whatever belongs to her and take back whatever belongs to her.Help me to remove the thinking of why is she so abnormal? Why she cannot do simple household chores? Why she cannot even cook? Just because she has mental illlness that has been plaguing her for years? Why must I always be the one clearing her mess? Be it in the fridge or the kitchen? Why must the roles be reversed? She has lost the one and only spectacle cloth that I have. I dumped it in to the washing machine and she claims she didnt see it. PLease, the rest of the clothes are bigger in size so she cannot lose it.&nbsp;Now , I dont have time to work on my lessons and do administrative duties. I want to snap and roar her so much. I want to slam the door. I want to scream at her. WHY are you so weird? WHY are you my mom?&nbsp;Help me to remove these deep seated hatred towards her?&nbsp;Renew my mindset towards her. Change my perspective towards her.&nbsp;Flood and infill my heart with Your love and grace. &nbsp;I really dont know how else to pray. I dont even know how to talk to her without that anger simmering in me. Help me, God. In Jesus name.

Release the anger, hatred and bitterness to You

Dear Heavenly Father,I thank You in advance for period to come in July as I have missed June. I pray that the hormones in my body is stabilised and will not trigger back pain, especially after I have slept. I speak to my back, be healed completely in Jesus' name. I pray that I will sleep well throughout the night and clock 8 hours of solid sleep.&nbsp;I thank You and praise You that You are Jehovah Jireh, my provider. Help me to shift my perspective in terms of finances. I am just a steward in the business that You have called me to steward. May the creator of Heaven and Earth, create business opportunities for Yujie and me. We thank You in advance for Yujie's classes and my classes will be filled up in 2024. We declare that new and willing students will enrol this year and Yujie and I are able to pay ourselves salaries and pay the rent , above and beyond. We speak that 2024 will be a year of harvest &nbsp;of students enrolling for Chinese , Maths, English and Science. We also pray for good results for the PSLE and O level students this year. We also pray for favour for the landlord to renew our lease, end of the year. We speak shalom to my restless and worried heart and may the love of God flood my anxious soul.I surrender my parents and their business into Your hands. I speak shalom to their hearts. Truly, indeed, only You can bring in the business for them. I lay them on the altar.&nbsp;I repent for the dark and negativity thoughts that I have when they were quarreling in the lorry just now. Forgive me Lord, for wishing I was never born so that I dont need to face all these. Forgive me Lord, for thinking of jumping off the Lorry when they were quarreling. Forgive me Lord for doubting You , why I pray and speak shalom , my dad is still screaming and shouting. Forgive me Lord, for hating my parents. I need help. I really do. Help Lord, in the most precious name of the Lord Jesus Christ I pray.

Heartfelt prayers

This is around 3 years later from my original date of last writing(last successful writing if i say so). Back then I started to write and doodle in my books because of lack of friends hence I needed to say but had no one to talk to (the few friends i did have were busy , so i didn't want to annoy them a lot)Fast forward 3 years I am now completely done with my college and i needed to speak , though having plenty of ears to listen this time around , just writing and speaking to myself is now my favourite way .A couple of pointers before i start ,&nbsp;a)i am terrible in writing and will make grammatical and spelling mistakes as we go on , I am aware &nbsp;b)And i like to draw , so I might add an image or two in each exert to give better visuals&nbsp;c) i had something but I forgot&nbsp;d) a lot of u , might not know me , and i don't like reintroductions so i wont be doing that , my original 3 journals had good intro of characters/environments/events , I'll be giving those here again as time comes, but not of myself :)&nbsp;&nbsp;HERE WE GOOOOO:&nbsp;(immediatly after writing the above line i realised what i'll be missing while i write digitally , i love the feel of pen on paper, the roughness of my drawings , i dont need it to be good/final, cause it compliments my shitty handwriting and presentation, it is the only time , where i am truely free.)Sooooo, after i write this page . i'll buy a book and print this out and stick it , i might not have said this already , i am pretty lazy and focused. so if I don't write about what i am thinking rn , i will never.&nbsp;&nbsp;Here we GOOOOOOOOO (for real this time):10:47 pm Sat June 17th&nbsp;&nbsp;i just entered my flat alone after seeing Av-nosh(Flatmate) off (all names will be different from the real ones, not for privateness but for my fun's sake), he left with Vadnan and his friends for Tosh via Hydrabad . Bz and Suyush (our friends ) had left for Himachal on college trip this morning. Gooda (my other flat mate, left a month ago , but we met him last 3 days ago since he came to city to party{on 13th I think}) . [Nazi Gang shoutout]&nbsp;Vadnan also left as stated before , Chidori left on 15-16th i think , Prey his Ex, left 2 weeks ago, Kuchu is still here and we are supposed to meet tomorrow.&nbsp;In juniors , Aran left for his house in navi mumbai, AssDeep (super jurnior left for Chhattisgarh &nbsp;a week ago , we had to push our dnd sesh online because of him). Yamin and I-shan went for the college trip too. Fruit lives near my house , i need to get his gift ready for him , from our batch to him , we're giving him a foosball tabel a small one , Av-nosh, Gooda and i found it (from our neighbors) .enough with the introductions , all u need to know is that i am alone rn , all my friends have left for different adventures , and we all said the same thing , we will KIT and meet again , but &nbsp;the same had been said to me by my school friends, and in all fairness a lot of them did , but now we all have new adventures , jobs / internships / masters (for a few) , so we might not , and i am okay with that , life happens , it won't be the worst thing if my friends are living it to the fullest , i myself don't reply too often to my old friends &nbsp;group texts, via text, idk why but I don't, i give my presence and i try to KIT every now and then , but not to much extent.&nbsp;Idk why i started to write again to be fair , all i recall is Av-nosh saying before leaving the apartment , “ college khatam nahi hua hai , convocation baki hai , september me bhi milenge tab bhi&nbsp; (cause we have to trade our ID for alumni card) ” This really stuck with me. i was getting teary and i think Av-nosh got that hence he said it. i went to see him off till he got an auto , &nbsp;cause i wanted this moment of me with a friend to last longer. after he left i slowly walked back . (i felt the same feeling 3 years ago , when my parents left me in mumbai and i had to go up to mantri Serene {our old flat})&nbsp;I went to the gujrati store under my building to get a familiarity of my college life , and when i walked inside my flat i felt so alone for a few moments. i decided to write again to have have someone with me (even a text version of myself)Fortunately Dangi (Silica friend{design institute}) my Best friend , called me up and we have been talking , and i have been writing side by side , we are sharing college stories . and chilling.&nbsp;Tomorrow I am going to a ramen restruent with kuchu and that might be my last offline contact with someone from college&nbsp;&nbsp;I want to cry a little to let it out , but my body isn't allowing it , probably because , it's so bittersweet since i remember all the good times.~end for today&nbsp;P.S. after writing this I liked the experience, whether I liked the structure of article over books , or it was just writing in general&nbsp;This is VR000M signing off. &nbsp;

10:30 ,June 17th,  Saturday , 2023

Hey x,In recent months, I've developed a habit of reading the newspaper as a change of pace in my daily routine as well as to learn something new. In retrospect, it seemed helpful at the time, but as time passed, I realized I had a pessimistic outlook on life in general. My approach to doing things and communicating with people is based on whether there is anything in it for me.&nbsp;Whether I was checking the headlines about local events or observing general headlines, I always sought the most abhorrent and emotionally provoking stories. Whether it was murder cases and accident victims, assault cases, or corrupt politicians, I left no stone unturned.&nbsp;Overexposing the brain to unmounted levels of similar news every day, I slowly started becoming desensitized to it. People die every day, so why bother trying for the limited time you'll live? I felt myself losing hope and inspiration.Even now, I recall flipping through the pages of TOI, as my heart sank deeper reading about the 23 people who succumbed to death. 9 of them passed away due to a road accident, and 7 more crashed head-first into a bus. 6 more died while conducting repair work on the railway electrical lines, they were charred to death. In just the last few days, a 16-year-old girl, barely my age, met her untimely demise at the hands of a monster, who stabbed her over 20 times while repeatedly smashing her face with a brick.She was robbed of her life. I can't fathom the pain and terror she must have experienced in her last moments. It's heartbreaking and I can't help but think her life really mattered to those around her, who were living witnesses to the ongoing homicide. At our cores, we're just wired to put ourselves, our well-being, and our gains before anybody else.&nbsp;Delhi sure has become the hotspot for all freak accidents and other reported killings. It just proves that we're living behind a façade. Our houses which are supposed to be our ‘safe haven’, as well as the town and locality that bustles with daily life, none of that really matters. We're just deluding ourselves to think that it's going to be another bright sunny day.Having a pessimistic mentality has taken a toll on my relationship with my parents, my friends, and all my close peers about me. Despite all that even though it might take years to grow out of this mentality, it'll still be more fruitful than the efforts that our country has been putting in for the welfare and security of its citizens.1:30 PM, 1th May 23'Yours trulyRJK&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;

1 May 23'

A thought came to my mind today that i havent watched a movie for a long time, i should watch one. But then i thought i havent got time for a movie, got a thesis to submit for now and some things to be read. Then i remembered my daily life and thought anyways every day is a movie for me. Its a movie where im not the protagonist or the star. Each day i get to see a new story from my patients, each day is a continuing story of a follow up patient, so many things happening in their lives, seeing so many emotions in a day. Nah i dont need to watch movies.&nbsp;Goodnight folksBe inspired and stay hungry.

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Life is a movie

I am done.&nbsp;I have broken a heart. I eat,sleep,masturbate, and repeat. And do nothing more. I am a disappointment for everyone. It's just that I have a good mind for academics and excel in it due to which my mom and dad are somewhat happy with me otherwise it was a lot better for them if i didn't exist. I am their firstborn. My mother has confessed that she wanted a girl because a girl could have done all the house chores for her just as she had to do for her mom. My father has confessed that as soon as i came into existence, my mother directed all the love towards me due to which slowly and steadily my parents started fighting a lot to the point that now they can divorce each other any time if a big fight occurs.&nbsp;I broke the heart of my love. I loved her and still do. I love her a lot. But… it's my foolish behaviour which resulted in miscommunications and misunderstandings by my mom who eventually (for the safety of my future) thought that the girl isn't good.&nbsp;I might not fully deny what my mom says. It is maybe the teenage foolish behaviour which makes me and her this way or maybe something else. But I love her. I am unable to accept a reality in which i am in love with someone else. I have had a theory that i create chaos and disturbance in every person's life who is associated with me and with time this theory has been proved correct. Today, all i have is a good academic, good parents( as in parental relationship, which is declining with the increase of my mother's anger levels), and some spiritual knowledge(which i have keen interest in ).I am.. finished. I might be able to get over my feelings for her and maybe in future accept someone else as my love. Maybe I would be able to recover from the childhood trauma I have gotten from the fights of my parents. But I am tired. I am fucking tired pls stop. It's too difficult to write this .&nbsp;

I dont want to live anymore.

Have you ever regretted having being passionate for the diagnosis even though you knew it carries a dismal prognosis for the patient. We have all felt it at some point in our medical journey. But you should remember that it is the passion for human diseases that has motivated us to learn and grow in this field. Without this passion you wouldnt have been able to acquire the knowledge that you did during this period, and thus being able to treat patients better now !

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Medicine

Knowing how to handle and manage your feelings is very important in life. I have been fortunate at this because i am able to manage my feelings with an altruistic thought process. Books like Man's Search For Meaning and growing up admiring the purity and philosophy of Ramayana has helped me immensely in this. I just want to make sense of my feelings first and that is the most difficult part &nbsp;for me- "Making sense of feelings". Once you have done that then we need to realise that Life is a learning process and we want to Make lives of others around us better. Then whatever bad happens will be a learning event and we will find contention in realising that whatever you will do will be for the greater good of people. Things get sorted out as soon as this is done.Some would argue why bother to learn as life is finite and will end one day and In the End It doesnt even matter! But my response would be whatever i do in my lifetime would make some peoples' &nbsp;lives better and before i die i will write books so that someone might find an answer they were always searching for through my answer.&nbsp;Thats all folksHave a good dayStay inspired.

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Making sense of Feelings

Firstly, I want to thank God , I was in a much better place compared to last year's April. Always start with thanksgiving.&nbsp;Secondly, God has been speaking to me through the pastor's sermon. I am loved by God and I am not a mistake. I was deeply touched by God last Sunday's sermon. The reason was that I was very vulnerable last Saturday and shared openly with Joanne that I was a mistake to begin with and I made very serious mistakes. I felt like an utter failure in life. I am like one foot step in God's world and other foot in the secular world, fighting off suicidal tendencies and negativity. Depression made me feel all is hopeless and grey. I saw no way out.&nbsp;Then God spoke very clearly the very next day. The pastor said “ There is someone who felt very hopeless. God wants to change your name. You may feel like you have made so many mistakes but I can help you ” Then in the middle of the sermon, he stopped and asked everyone to sing this song.&nbsp;<h3><a href="https://www.invubu.com/music/show/song/D.J.-Butler/I-Will-Change-Your-Name.html">I Will Change Your Name</a></h3>&nbsp;I will change your name You shall no longer be called Wounded, outcast Lonely or afraid I will change your name Your new name shall be Confidence, joyfulness Overcoming one Faithfulness, friend of God One who seeks my face.As we sang, in my vision, I saw the younger me holding His hands. I felt the raw wounds were applied by His balm via this song. I felt I was in a better mental state. Yup.&nbsp;

Reflection

Have been working late non stop for the past 3 nights for 2 close students. So when I woke up, the pressure starts to mount. Their school teacher is unreasonable , testing them way beyond they are supposed to bear and they are cracking up, especially Chloe. So I had to be the feisty cheerleader to cheer and coach them. But I am cracking up as well. The sleep quality has not been good. I forced myself to go to NTUC to do some groceries and walked a bit to absorb a bit of sunshine. Plugging into worship songs does help. I saw a mom with an infant. Tears were brimming in my eyes. I tune in back into worship songs. Past memories began creeping at the door, trying to remind my fatal mistakes. I cannot afford to ruminate else depression will deepen. &nbsp;When mom asked how am I , I was hesitant. Where to start? How to start? God , help me.&nbsp;

Feeling vulnerable

The students' sharing of the timetable kinda of shook me yesterday. I was caught unprepared. The school teacher decided to drive the students up to the wall by testing 5 topics at one shot. Ridiculous. &nbsp;Anxiety immediately surged and I started to work for today's curriculum last night, ended up sleeping poorly. I woke up a couple of times, having patches of sleep once again. I looked bloated. I simply threw everything in a rice cooker for my dinner. Too tired to do anything.Dear Heavenly Father, I surrender my anxieties and stress to You. I cannot hold any longer. Take this burden, O Lord. Help me how to plan the lessons to help the students to pass and excel so that I can bear good testimony. Also, I ask for Your favour for the renwal of the contract with the landlord in May. &nbsp;IN Jesus name I pray

Anxiety and stress starts to mount

Dear inner child, are you wounded? If so, submit yourself to God. Are you in great pain, guilt, shame and condemnation just pervades in your life? Let God hold your hand and surrender all these negative pervasive thoughts to God. Does the devil whisper, you are absolutely hopeless, total failure and end your life? If so, shut his mouth in the name of Jesus. Healing comes in layers, is not a linear journey. When you accept the pain, surrender them to God, and cry out in humility for Him, God will work wonders. So, dear child, come to Jesus.&nbsp;&nbsp;Dear Heavenly Father, help me. That is all I could utter . I surrender this wounded and bashed child within me to YOU. Heal me and restore and redeem me according to Your purpose. IN the most almighty name of Jesus Christ I pray

Dear inner child

I cried yesterday as I texted Joanne, pouring out my guilt, shame and condemnation on how my parents selflessly sacrifice themselves for me. My mom moved into a room full of stocks and I can finally have my own space. I felt a huge sense of relief. My dad and his worker were packing the entire day and took out the entire shelf so that my mom's bed could be slotted there. When I woke up, I felt so different and recharged for the first time. I was excited that I can rearrange my room.

A good night sleep and own private space is so essential for my own mental health

Recently listen a podcast which describes thick and thin desires that every person has. Thick desires are those which we want from deep within without any external influence, while thin desires are things which we want because others have them too. Sometimes, we do not relize our thick desires unles we get them. It is the thin desires that we kept on chasing all our life.&nbsp;When I thought deeply about my thick desires, I realized a lot of my current engagements and activities turned out to be thin. Then what exactly I reallly want.What I have learned from the the book ATOMIC HABITS, it is the system that matters most than the goals. However, I believe a system, which I have been personally nurturing for years is nothing without a goal. During my family vacations in a secluded resort in South GOA, my thick desires came back afloat for a retirement home in a peaceful place on mountains or on a beach, where I would die reading books. Yes, die reading books.But consideing my finances, is it possible. First thing First, everything is possible if you put enough efforts for it. Secondly, my goal is to start the process of buying/building this home in 10 years from now. That is at the age of 62. So I have enogh time to work on my finances and settle my kids in between. …… &nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp;

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THICK & THIN DESIRES - 1

It has been a long while since I pen my thoughts. I felt indignant. I just bought the new tingkat , washed and waiting for it to dry and use. It looks nice, shiny and beautiful. The next day I saw my mom chucking the tingkat in a corner, which I had not asked her to do so. To my horror, the lid to the 3rd one disappeared. She always do things halfway, if she had transferred all the tingkat pieces , perhaps the lid might not have disappeared. The tingkat pieces are scattered everywhere, up in the dishrack, on the shelf. Basically, she has only goldfish memory and I have to pick her pieces. I exploded at her and questioned her where she has misplaced it. As usual, she said she didnt keep. That infuriate me further. I released my anger by smashing everything in sight.There is only 1 person, which is me doing chores and my mom who tries to do chores but fail. I just left everything to dry on the dishrack, there is no way that the tingkat pieces could fly to the shelf. I did not ask her to do so as I know pieces of tingkat would be missing. I prayed, God, help me, I need to find it. But I could not find it. I was super upset. Hatred , bitterness and resentment arose in my heart. An insidious thought grew. Shall I stabbed myself and return my life to her? I couldnt take her nonsense any longer. I asked Joanne, am I utter mistake? Hot scalding tears flow down my face right now. My dad told me to find again. I lost it. I stayed outside until 11pm last night while chatting with Joanne. Mom, you do know I am alive because of prayers , right? Else I would be dead last year.My dad tried to call and leave a message. I refused to pick up.&nbsp;Dear God, Help me. That is the only prayer I could utter right now.

Is it my fault?

Is it okay to tell you that I miss our deep conversations, even if you're no longer mine? What we had was not only romantic relationship, but we created an amazing friendship together. All the emotions that we shared, the laughters and the tears. We supported each other in our lowest point in life. I miss how we talk about everything tirelessly that we couldn't notice the time. It always amazed me how you could listen to all my rants about things around us and still gave a calm and beautiful advise and opinion. I miss everything about you. I can still remember exactly the details of you. Your eyes when you smile, your eyebrows when you're mad, the way you laugh, the way you sway your arms. I remember everything. We could talk about almost everything you know, from stars to religion to political and even all the nonsense. You used to tell your feelings to me when you're sad. I was your comforter and you're mine. But sadly all these things ended, and right now it's my arms you're leaning on. It's not my heart you're sharing with you thoughts and feelings. It ended, and it made me sad.&nbsp;

Miss you

I am 27, but I feel like I'm looking older.I am supposed to go to the office today. I already put on my makeup (just a little bit cos I just started to do makeup in this past few days), dressed up, then lied to call in sick because I didn't feel like going out at the last moment. So I stayed in my apartment, put on more makeup to my eyes and wore the reddest lipstick. I decided to take my phone to take a picture of what I've done to my face, excited to see if the makeup makes me prettier, but just got disappointed cos I looked old. It was a little bit because of the makeup and the stressed eye in the camera. Disappointed. I turned off my camera. Worked from home for a while. Went to my partner's room for a hug and a rant. “I am getting old”, “I don't wanna get old”, “I'm scared, my skin is gonna get saggy”, these were the rants I made. He told me that it's okay, you are still pretty. Kind words, but I still felt sad. Went back to my room to work. Watched the remaining scenes of 2521 kdrama. Made me even feel sadder cos it's about getting older and changing. So I decided to write my own diary just to write whatever, whenever, however.&nbsp;I still feel old.&nbsp;