I'm quickly starting to realise that nothing can really save me.&nbsp;I'm still in the same mindset as I have been for however long I've been in the mindset of not wanting to be here.&nbsp;I'm incredibly drained in a lot of aspects of life, I don't even feel like I can be a mother at this point. It's like my body is just here, doing what I have to do, answering questions, listening to what's been said but I feel like I'm so empty but it's not just with being a parent. It's interacting with everyone. It's like playing pretend except you aren't getting any joy out of it. But what is happy really? I don't know, I don't think I'll ever know.&nbsp;

June 16th 2024

When you become a parent you lose sense of everything that you were and are. You become this shell of a human that can't remember what your favourite movie was, boxes of hobbies you used to have remain stacked somewhere gathering dust and you can't remember the last time you even showered without being bombarded with every question known to man as soon as you open the door.&nbsp;Unless you can afford help or have a person that's taking half the load, this is the fate of a parent. You are no longer anyone, just your child's parent and that's all. As time goes on and your child become a teenager and then an adult and suddenly you are no longer a full time parent or responsible for everything they do, say, want and need, you find yourself questioning now what? You have to rediscover yourself all over again but for people like me, for those that have decided that there is no future, you count down the days until your child can go travelling, or has their own home and family so that you can end it all. Of course it doesn't help that I'm incredibly mentally ill and have been since I was 16. As grateful as I am for my children, as much as I love them and would protect them with my last dying breath, being a parent has drained my soul. Being alone has drained my heart. Having no help, having no one has broken me and I can no longer see a future.&nbsp;

April 10 2024

I feel like I am leaving my everything behind. My social life, friends, happiness. There is no one I can confide in. (Hence, I resorted to writing here on this website) It is a lonely journey, whose end I know not. I am not sure if I'll ever reach what I am aiming for. Will I just get lost in the haze before seeing the shore? I am losing motivation and the little hope I had. This is tiresome and lonely. I need someone to reassure me that I am doing fine, that I'll reach my destination, that I'll make it.Also, it is kinda sad how I can not comment on anyone's post. Though I do get the reason why the option is not given. Nonetheless, to all the people who are feeling blue today, like me, I hope it gets better for you. Cheering for ya!With love,&nbsp;lvvlune&nbsp;

blue

I'm realizing that this time its dead now.
I'm completely broken from inside. I'm feeling trapped by her family.
I see, even if I raise my voice. or I try to resolve the issue by a get-together of my parents, her parents. Nothing will come out. I don't want to die. But, I want peace in life.
She said, navratri aa rahe hain. Aise hi rehna hai kya. I did not reply anything to her.
Now, there is nothing left between her and me.
I did not even see her face properly from last 1 week.
I simply do not have the courage to take this big step of asking for divorce. But, I know one more big bad behavior from her side, and I'm done.

The Relationship with K is Dead

I'm thinking hard these days that why am I living with her. Even if I hire a maid, she will take less money and will do whatever I will ask her to do. I know this is bad thinking, but I'm not happy with her.&nbsp;
I have seen girls who fights with in-laws, others, BUT not with husband. And, she fights with me. The reason, only known to her.&nbsp;
I started feeling that she is having some mental issues. Her anger is too much. Kids are also facing this. Everything is going well, then all of a sudden she made the atmosphere worse. She is a master of this.
I keep thinking of separating from her, and thoughts of living separate with her. It feels good, but thinking of kids made me sad.&nbsp;
I tried talking to her father. But, he is such a useless person. He did nothing, instead he tried making me understand. I was so pissed off. Now, I'm in no mood to talk to anyone. I will now make a decision (If I could), and just convey them.
When will I get that courage?

I'm not able to take hard decision - Separate from her

Yesterday night, I was having suicidal thoughts again. I mean, there was no life. I can not talk to her, she is always in fight mode. Yesterday, I went at 7:30, prepared tea by myself. I played with kids.
In night, at around 5AM, I started having abdonimal pain. And, suicidal thoughts were coming. I was so frustrated, and thinking to kill myself. My health was too bad.