I'm quickly starting to realise that nothing can really save me.&nbsp;I'm still in the same mindset as I have been for however long I've been in the mindset of not wanting to be here.&nbsp;I'm incredibly drained in a lot of aspects of life, I don't even feel like I can be a mother at this point. It's like my body is just here, doing what I have to do, answering questions, listening to what's been said but I feel like I'm so empty but it's not just with being a parent. It's interacting with everyone. It's like playing pretend except you aren't getting any joy out of it. But what is happy really? I don't know, I don't think I'll ever know.&nbsp;

June 16th 2024

When you become a parent you lose sense of everything that you were and are. You become this shell of a human that can't remember what your favourite movie was, boxes of hobbies you used to have remain stacked somewhere gathering dust and you can't remember the last time you even showered without being bombarded with every question known to man as soon as you open the door.&nbsp;Unless you can afford help or have a person that's taking half the load, this is the fate of a parent. You are no longer anyone, just your child's parent and that's all. As time goes on and your child become a teenager and then an adult and suddenly you are no longer a full time parent or responsible for everything they do, say, want and need, you find yourself questioning now what? You have to rediscover yourself all over again but for people like me, for those that have decided that there is no future, you count down the days until your child can go travelling, or has their own home and family so that you can end it all. Of course it doesn't help that I'm incredibly mentally ill and have been since I was 16. As grateful as I am for my children, as much as I love them and would protect them with my last dying breath, being a parent has drained my soul. Being alone has drained my heart. Having no help, having no one has broken me and I can no longer see a future.&nbsp;

April 10 2024

I feel like I am leaving my everything behind. My social life, friends, happiness. There is no one I can confide in. (Hence, I resorted to writing here on this website) It is a lonely journey, whose end I know not. I am not sure if I'll ever reach what I am aiming for. Will I just get lost in the haze before seeing the shore? I am losing motivation and the little hope I had. This is tiresome and lonely. I need someone to reassure me that I am doing fine, that I'll reach my destination, that I'll make it.Also, it is kinda sad how I can not comment on anyone's post. Though I do get the reason why the option is not given. Nonetheless, to all the people who are feeling blue today, like me, I hope it gets better for you. Cheering for ya!With love,&nbsp;lvvlune&nbsp;

blue

Its a Sunday morning. I was working my work as usual. She wakeup at around 8:45, came to me and asked to wake-up kids. I said, let them sleep. She said, Bhavika has a dance class at 11. I said ok, you try to wake them up in between.It was 9:20 when I went. I saw them sleeping. I just said, you could also wake up them up. She was like, I was coming.I hurriedly let kids bath. I dressed up Bhavika as usual. She did not prepare the breakfast even till 10:40. I did puja as well. I talked little, why the breakfast is not ready when she has to go. She was like, I'm preparing.&nbsp;Then, it was 10:50, and I had to shout a little. Why the hell you always do things on time or late. You knew she has to go. Breakfast is not ready. WHy the hell you could not get ready before time, why you always keep in hurry mode. ALways running. If you get ready 5 mins before, if things get ready 5 mins before, will there be any issue?The work which is mine, you never try to touch them as if your hands would burn. If I had to wakeup kids, you never try to wake up them up, if I bath her, you never try, if I help her dressed up, you never. I feed her breakfast, you never.&nbsp;In the meantime, I got the breakfast. I fed Bhavika, and I had to leave. I could not complete breakfast, not even Bhavika.&nbsp;I'm totally fedup with her late antics.&nbsp;I took Bhavika to dance class, came back after having her enjoyed in park. I saw, my plate of breakfast was open, without covering anything. I was again cursing my bad luck with her. SHe could not covered my breakfast as when I will come, I could eat them. That was all in bad condition.Too poor from her. And in all of this, there is no word like sorry from her. She infact shouted back about all this. Her ego always come between us.

Fedup with Her Late Time Management Habits

Its been 2 weeks since I'm not talking to her. And, believe me, its so much good life. I'm not listening to her anger, frustration, ego.
And, look at her ego. She talked to me 4 days before asking, "bahut acha lag raha hai aise?".
I just said, you leave your anger and we can talk. To which, she just walked-off.
I mean, all I'm asking her to drop her anger while talking to me. She just cant do this.

And, this relationship is going nowhere. Divorce is the only option that I felt will be good for us. I'm not able to initiate any action.