I'm quickly starting to realise that nothing can really save me.&nbsp;I'm still in the same mindset as I have been for however long I've been in the mindset of not wanting to be here.&nbsp;I'm incredibly drained in a lot of aspects of life, I don't even feel like I can be a mother at this point. It's like my body is just here, doing what I have to do, answering questions, listening to what's been said but I feel like I'm so empty but it's not just with being a parent. It's interacting with everyone. It's like playing pretend except you aren't getting any joy out of it. But what is happy really? I don't know, I don't think I'll ever know.&nbsp;

June 16th 2024

When you become a parent you lose sense of everything that you were and are. You become this shell of a human that can't remember what your favourite movie was, boxes of hobbies you used to have remain stacked somewhere gathering dust and you can't remember the last time you even showered without being bombarded with every question known to man as soon as you open the door.&nbsp;Unless you can afford help or have a person that's taking half the load, this is the fate of a parent. You are no longer anyone, just your child's parent and that's all. As time goes on and your child become a teenager and then an adult and suddenly you are no longer a full time parent or responsible for everything they do, say, want and need, you find yourself questioning now what? You have to rediscover yourself all over again but for people like me, for those that have decided that there is no future, you count down the days until your child can go travelling, or has their own home and family so that you can end it all. Of course it doesn't help that I'm incredibly mentally ill and have been since I was 16. As grateful as I am for my children, as much as I love them and would protect them with my last dying breath, being a parent has drained my soul. Being alone has drained my heart. Having no help, having no one has broken me and I can no longer see a future.&nbsp;

April 10 2024

I feel like I am leaving my everything behind. My social life, friends, happiness. There is no one I can confide in. (Hence, I resorted to writing here on this website) It is a lonely journey, whose end I know not. I am not sure if I'll ever reach what I am aiming for. Will I just get lost in the haze before seeing the shore? I am losing motivation and the little hope I had. This is tiresome and lonely. I need someone to reassure me that I am doing fine, that I'll reach my destination, that I'll make it.Also, it is kinda sad how I can not comment on anyone's post. Though I do get the reason why the option is not given. Nonetheless, to all the people who are feeling blue today, like me, I hope it gets better for you. Cheering for ya!With love,&nbsp;lvvlune&nbsp;

blue

She is sick these days, and she told me that you do not even call me to know about me. I went home, I do not feel like even see her. I try to ignore her.Even she know this. These days, its her brother wedding, that's why she is behaving normal. Else, she can not say few words with love.I feel like I'm done, what she has done over the years. I have nothing for her. I have told her this many times.Something is dead from inside.&nbsp;

I don't feel anything with K

We have so much friction in us, that we can not talk even for 2 mins.In almost every talk, either she or me gets so irritated. In my case, she just want her point to be implemented. There is no respect of mine. She always shows her irritated face.Yesterday, we have to buy cloths for Shivam's marriage. Ankit suggested her that we purchased it from jwalapur, it might be cheap as well. I told her, if we are going to see things, we can buy from here as well as time also is less. She straight away rejected, saying No. blablabla.After seeing the things, she talked to Ankit. Now she wanted to buy those things. I told her that when I told you you did not agree. She again shows her irritated and angered face. I just couldn't stand against her.&nbsp;Our grah never matched. I can not share my inner thoughts, what I feel, what I'm going through. It's so much frustrating at times, that why me GOD?

We can not talk for 2 mins - So much friction

I'm getting late daily in the morning. I do optimize/tune my time as per need. I getup at 5:40-5:45 in morning, get ready, then goto milk. I came to this routine after lot of experiments. I do this so that kids can goto school on time, and I also save some time.But, she always has a late time. If she has 5 mins, she will sleep. She wake up at a time, when she has no extra time for kids. If any kid do vomit or anything else, she doesn't have time. Everything will be hush hush.Even then, I'm getting late daily. I'm pushing her every 2-3 days, that please wakeup 5-6 mins early, what the hell will go wrong if you getup early. But no. She always has reasons, and ego to fight back.I know how rash and fast I have to drive daily due to her.&nbsp;

Kanika always do late in school time - Everything should be on or after time as per her

Its a Sunday morning. I was working my work as usual. She wakeup at around 8:45, came to me and asked to wake-up kids. I said, let them sleep. She said, Bhavika has a dance class at 11. I said ok, you try to wake them up in between.It was 9:20 when I went. I saw them sleeping. I just said, you could also wake up them up. She was like, I was coming.I hurriedly let kids bath. I dressed up Bhavika as usual. She did not prepare the breakfast even till 10:40. I did puja as well. I talked little, why the breakfast is not ready when she has to go. She was like, I'm preparing.&nbsp;Then, it was 10:50, and I had to shout a little. Why the hell you always do things on time or late. You knew she has to go. Breakfast is not ready. WHy the hell you could not get ready before time, why you always keep in hurry mode. ALways running. If you get ready 5 mins before, if things get ready 5 mins before, will there be any issue?The work which is mine, you never try to touch them as if your hands would burn. If I had to wakeup kids, you never try to wake up them up, if I bath her, you never try, if I help her dressed up, you never. I feed her breakfast, you never.&nbsp;In the meantime, I got the breakfast. I fed Bhavika, and I had to leave. I could not complete breakfast, not even Bhavika.&nbsp;I'm totally fedup with her late antics.&nbsp;I took Bhavika to dance class, came back after having her enjoyed in park. I saw, my plate of breakfast was open, without covering anything. I was again cursing my bad luck with her. SHe could not covered my breakfast as when I will come, I could eat them. That was all in bad condition.Too poor from her. And in all of this, there is no word like sorry from her. She infact shouted back about all this. Her ego always come between us.

Fedup with Her Late Time Management Habits

Last year was very difficult, in terms of money. I received income tax request of around 8-9L last year, plus house expenses. I bought a house, and its work was going on.Recently, I got a payment request for one of my investment in Bhutani property. It was for around 8L. I did not had that money. I mean, I had to sell my company stocks, or the indian stocks that I invested. Which I didn't want to.I was discussing this with Kanika, and I was feeling frustrated. She said, you can take it from me, and return in few months. I clearly said, what is the benefit of you earning. Why do I have to return it. isn't it your investment. For the first time, I said this to her.Her reply was, You have to manage house expenses by yourself. I again said, why I need to return then. And, what do you mean by trouble. Do I need to be a begger to ask you for money.&nbsp;She had no reply! I also moved on, I knew no point of arguing with her.I had to run this family, and I will. God bless us.But, it will always be a point of frustration for me. I spend lot of time in her business, to build for her. But, I get nothing. She sometimes pays for her suits, to which she proudly says I buy it from my money. I was about to ask, what about my money, its not mine, its us. But, your money is yours.It feels bad to have a spouse who earns for herself, not for family.&nbsp;

What is the benefit of her earning - I finally asked

Today morning, I gather some courage to told her that please get ready Bhavika early we are getting late daily. I get her ready by 7:15 daily and she kept on sitting here, even then you are doing it late.
She blasted, I can not do it. Kar to rahi hun, I asked agar nahi ho raha hai, to thoda jaldi uth jao. She refused. My voice started raising.
I asked, then full time maid rakhte hain. Its not working. Daily we are leaving house by 7:50, and its only 10 mins that we need to reach school. I drive so fast, that someday we can hit someone and involved in accident. She said, hoga to ho jayega.
Then, she started shouting, you are trying to start fight. EVen in night, you are speaking about going early.
I again said, if my kids are not sleeping properly, and you are not taking care of it, then I have to speak. If I switch-off the tv even at 10:10, you complain. I ask to go inside room, you complain. What should I do.
She starting doing drama, bla bla But, not doing useful talk.

I hit my hand hard on the wall, I think I fratured my hand. I got little bruised on my fingers. I realized later, years ago. I hit my hand in similar fashion, and I had frature in my right hand. I had to miss cricket tournament. Will write about it.
My old fracture: https://www.lifeintext.com/journals/private/i-hit-my-hand-on-the-wall-hand-fractured

I think I fractured my hand - No way to talk to her

So, it was in our early marriage days. I think within-1 year after. So, in 2009.
It was useless in making her understanding for little things. It was frustrating then too. I got so annoyed from her, that I hot my hand as punch in wall. It was so hard, then I broke my bone.
I immediately had to rush to hospital. At that time, she said Sorry, and she said it was her mistake (clearly).
We went to hospital, did X-ray. It was clear bone break for 3rd finger. Doctor asked, how did it happen. I said, I fell down. He said, these kind of wounds happe when you punch someone.
They did plaster on my hand.
I had to miss my cricket tournament in NEC. I badly missed that.
Now comes the hard part. I remember, office mein Anusha always used to ask, Kanika must have taking good care of you.

Infact, after 1 day only. She asked me to help her in kitchen. Doctor asked to massage my hand with something. She refused, and said I can not do this, you need to do this by yourself. She said it with so rudeness, forget about care. And, she said, Its not my mistake :)
She tried every possible way to destroy our relationship.