&nbsp;I don't know what to do and I've asked for some kind of DIRECT sign what to do but nothing is happening for me.&nbsp;On the thoughts of religion and stuff. Well..I have always questioned if I should commit to a faith of some kind. As if I believe it will fix whatever is broken inside of me, both literally and metaphorically. I don't want to be one of those people that only turns to a religion or a deity because they're in distress, done something bad or just feeling sorry for themselves. If I'm going to do it then I want to do it right.&nbsp;&nbsp;

June 22nd 2024

I'm quickly starting to realise that nothing can really save me.&nbsp;I'm still in the same mindset as I have been for however long I've been in the mindset of not wanting to be here.&nbsp;I'm incredibly drained in a lot of aspects of life, I don't even feel like I can be a mother at this point. It's like my body is just here, doing what I have to do, answering questions, listening to what's been said but I feel like I'm so empty but it's not just with being a parent. It's interacting with everyone. It's like playing pretend except you aren't getting any joy out of it. But what is happy really? I don't know, I don't think I'll ever know.&nbsp;

June 16th 2024

I'm incredibly sad and lonely. I feel like my heart hurts and my soul hurts and that I just want to die. I'm so hurt by so much.. I feel like I'm not even here like I'm so distant from whoever or whatever I am. My mind isn't clear it feels so heavy and burdened. It's clogged up and I just want to sleep. I don't even want to eat and that's the one thing I usually do when I'm depressed but this is not my usual or normal depression, it's so much worse than that. I hate everything so much.&nbsp;

8th June 2024

Love doesn't exist outside of fiction, not for people like me. I wouldn't say I've done anything inherently bad, but I'm no saint either. I used to be a bit of a slut, when I was just a young girl, fourteen maybe. After I was raped at twelve I really didn't give two fucks about myself. I once left the front screen door unlocked a two year old I was looking after escaped her cot and went walking down the road in just a nappy. I've ghosted countless of people because I didn't want to get attached to them but also didn't have the guts to tell them I couldn't be close to them or break up with them.&nbsp;I've lied about a lot of things to people because it's made me sound interesting. Because if people knew the real me they'd realise I'm just nothing but a boring bag of trauma. I don't have hobbies, I don't have a social life, I don't have money, fame or anything else another may want in someone. I don't have family or the need for sex. Basically, I'm not particularly the ideal candidate for anyone, not to mention I'm obese and so mentally ill that I can't stand my own company.&nbsp;I spend most of my time questioning if I'm too far gone to be forgiven by a God that I'm not sure I even believe in since I'm more drawn to things like paganism or Buddhism but not enough that I can commit to either.&nbsp;Love doesn't exist outside of fiction.. especially not for people like me, because I can't even learn to love myself.&nbsp;I didn't exactly come from loving roots. A father who abandoned me, an alcoholic drug addict mother that constantly had abusive boyfriends living with us. It was always rough growing up when your mother would have food for the cats and money from drugs, alcohol and cigarettes but never enough to feed me more than boiled cabbage and whatever bottom of the barrel meat that she could get.&nbsp;She wasn't a good mother. When I made my first suicide attempt she called me stupid and smacked my head but that was all. I had been sexually abused only a few months before at aged twelve and she hadn't been there for any kind of comfort.&nbsp;Before, I mentioned that I was a liar, but my childhood and the abuse that happened as I got older too was something I never lied about, most of the time I've tried to hide it in fact because it only further concretes how fucked up I am. It's not exactly things you want to tell people because you know that they'll just look at you like some damaged "hell no" person.&nbsp;Either that or they'll use it to their advantage and manipulate you and hurt you further, as two exes of mine did. One of them took everything I had and sold it for drugs and the other was an alcoholic abusive asshole who knew just what to do and say to keep me in that situation for as long as I was useful.&nbsp;I've been misdiagnosed with different mental illnesses pretty much since I was sixteen, I am now thirty-seven and it's been confirmed between psychiatrist, therapists, counsellors and social worker that I am chronically depressed, &nbsp;have borderline personality disorder and extreme anxiety.&nbsp;I hate the term borderline personality disorder. It's just one of those things that people misinterpret. They think you're a psycho or out to intentionally hurt people. What most ignorant people don't know is that there's different types of BPD and I am the self sabotager. I'll care immensely for anyone I do have around me, love, care, respect and want to help them but myself? I wish I could kill myself. I want to hurt myself, I want to cut myself, I want the absolute worst for myself because that's what I believe I deserve.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;

5th June 2024

When you become a parent you lose sense of everything that you were and are. You become this shell of a human that can't remember what your favourite movie was, boxes of hobbies you used to have remain stacked somewhere gathering dust and you can't remember the last time you even showered without being bombarded with every question known to man as soon as you open the door.&nbsp;Unless you can afford help or have a person that's taking half the load, this is the fate of a parent. You are no longer anyone, just your child's parent and that's all. As time goes on and your child become a teenager and then an adult and suddenly you are no longer a full time parent or responsible for everything they do, say, want and need, you find yourself questioning now what? You have to rediscover yourself all over again but for people like me, for those that have decided that there is no future, you count down the days until your child can go travelling, or has their own home and family so that you can end it all. Of course it doesn't help that I'm incredibly mentally ill and have been since I was 16. As grateful as I am for my children, as much as I love them and would protect them with my last dying breath, being a parent has drained my soul. Being alone has drained my heart. Having no help, having no one has broken me and I can no longer see a future.&nbsp;

April 10 2024

Yesterday was my birthday. I'm 41 now.Im feeling as if I'm starting my life exactly 17 years ago. Searching for work, living a bachelor life, struggling for daily chores.&nbsp;

Im 41

I've been ahead of myself lately. I'm not always the best at things or picking the right words at the right moments and It feels like there's always an empty space and when that empty space is gone life shifts and feels better but eventually the room becomes empty again. Actually i'm use to the room being empty its been empty most my life in fact its been so empty i forgot what it felt like to not be the only one in the room anymore. Well anyways I encourage strength be strong focus make the best out of life.

Empty room

Spriha is diagnosed with dengue and she probably picked up the bug from Delhi itself. we were supposed to fly back together on 19th August, but i returned alone. It was miserable. It constatntly felt like I was leaving her behind. It could have and should have happened to me. She cant be sick, nothing bad should ever happen to her. I feel lonely without her. I hope she gets better soon, I have so many plans for her. I am going to miss being with her on her birthday. Its so sad. But I will try as much as I can to make it up to her. I love her so much.

Feels like I left her

A man who wishes to protect the women in his life…. wonderful women in his life—his mother, daughter, sister, wife or girlfriend—All are his strength and inspiration, He often feels a strong sense of responsibility to ensure their safety and well-being. This protective instinct may lead him to impose certain restrictions, such as advising them to avoid unsafe areas, be cautious about the sur oundings they are in, or take precautions when they are traveling alone. His possessiveness may stem from a deep desire to keep them safe from harm, though it's important that this does not infringe on their freedom or autonomy.His intense is to provide a secure environment where they can thrive, balancing his protective nature with respect for their independence. He expresses his love and commitment to their safety, reaffirming his lifelong promise to stand by them and protect them in every way he can.Dear Woman,You are valued, and forever guarded by the strength of those who care for you. Happy Raksha Bandhan! Stay strong and cherished, today and always.From Gentleman.

Happy Raksha Bandhan

Lately iv'e tried to to remain strong I usually do very well keeping it together but recently things haven't been the greatest. I just wish I knew how to be to not be judged or hated or what I could do for people to feel more comfortable around me. I hold my self together pretty well but truth is I don't like being looked at like i'm no good. People misjudge me all the time and call me mean things and say harsh things and everyone else seems to accept each other. I get it though it happens people are entitled to their opinions but sometimes it sucks to hear them.. I'm not A bad guy I just wish more and more people could see that but not temporarily… It would be nice to not feel like some kind of monster or burden, To be honest sometimes I imagine what it would feel like to be truly accepted to not be misjudged. The opinions don't matter I am stronger than that.. than this. I'll pull it together and push through this. I can do it, things will be alright.

Hanging in

I've been looking in the sky past the stars into the void sometimes it feels like it captures me and it's almost as if I dwell there for A little while. I live in reality but I see more than what the eye can catch always staying ahead being strong regardless of what vision is next.

Friday. Thanks God it's Friday. Okay okay. It's not like other weekdays are so hard or so awful. She lives her best life now. She is good-looking, smart, fit, and has a good job, an apartment, a car, and a small dog who she loves to the Moon and back. Okay, she doesn't have anybody who creates butterfly movement in her stomach, but still, it's much better than it could be. She came from the office happy that her coworker, who she can't stand, will be off on Monday. What is wrong with her coworker? He is arrogant and vain. She doesn't care about him, but she is more happy when he is out of the office.This weekend will be easy. She doesn't have any particular plans - the maid will come tomorrow and clean the apartment, and on Sunday she will go to the gym and out of town.It's very calm nowadays. No new people in her life. She is a little upset, but maybe because of her age, she is not worried. When she looks back she understands she could not live as before - too many clubs, too much alcohol, no sleep. Now she prefers cozy evenings at home with her small dog - Peach, who sleeps calmly on her lap instead of a club night. And it would be nice to have a nice guy nearby. She believes everything has its own time.&nbsp;

June 22nd 2024

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June 22nd 2024

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