&nbsp;I don't know what to do and I've asked for some kind of DIRECT sign what to do but nothing is happening for me.&nbsp;On the thoughts of religion and stuff. Well..I have always questioned if I should commit to a faith of some kind. As if I believe it will fix whatever is broken inside of me, both literally and metaphorically. I don't want to be one of those people that only turns to a religion or a deity because they're in distress, done something bad or just feeling sorry for themselves. If I'm going to do it then I want to do it right.&nbsp;&nbsp;

June 22nd 2024

I'm quickly starting to realise that nothing can really save me.&nbsp;I'm still in the same mindset as I have been for however long I've been in the mindset of not wanting to be here.&nbsp;I'm incredibly drained in a lot of aspects of life, I don't even feel like I can be a mother at this point. It's like my body is just here, doing what I have to do, answering questions, listening to what's been said but I feel like I'm so empty but it's not just with being a parent. It's interacting with everyone. It's like playing pretend except you aren't getting any joy out of it. But what is happy really? I don't know, I don't think I'll ever know.&nbsp;

June 16th 2024

I'm incredibly sad and lonely. I feel like my heart hurts and my soul hurts and that I just want to die. I'm so hurt by so much.. I feel like I'm not even here like I'm so distant from whoever or whatever I am. My mind isn't clear it feels so heavy and burdened. It's clogged up and I just want to sleep. I don't even want to eat and that's the one thing I usually do when I'm depressed but this is not my usual or normal depression, it's so much worse than that. I hate everything so much.&nbsp;

8th June 2024

Love doesn't exist outside of fiction, not for people like me. I wouldn't say I've done anything inherently bad, but I'm no saint either. I used to be a bit of a slut, when I was just a young girl, fourteen maybe. After I was raped at twelve I really didn't give two fucks about myself. I once left the front screen door unlocked a two year old I was looking after escaped her cot and went walking down the road in just a nappy. I've ghosted countless of people because I didn't want to get attached to them but also didn't have the guts to tell them I couldn't be close to them or break up with them.&nbsp;I've lied about a lot of things to people because it's made me sound interesting. Because if people knew the real me they'd realise I'm just nothing but a boring bag of trauma. I don't have hobbies, I don't have a social life, I don't have money, fame or anything else another may want in someone. I don't have family or the need for sex. Basically, I'm not particularly the ideal candidate for anyone, not to mention I'm obese and so mentally ill that I can't stand my own company.&nbsp;I spend most of my time questioning if I'm too far gone to be forgiven by a God that I'm not sure I even believe in since I'm more drawn to things like paganism or Buddhism but not enough that I can commit to either.&nbsp;Love doesn't exist outside of fiction.. especially not for people like me, because I can't even learn to love myself.&nbsp;I didn't exactly come from loving roots. A father who abandoned me, an alcoholic drug addict mother that constantly had abusive boyfriends living with us. It was always rough growing up when your mother would have food for the cats and money from drugs, alcohol and cigarettes but never enough to feed me more than boiled cabbage and whatever bottom of the barrel meat that she could get.&nbsp;She wasn't a good mother. When I made my first suicide attempt she called me stupid and smacked my head but that was all. I had been sexually abused only a few months before at aged twelve and she hadn't been there for any kind of comfort.&nbsp;Before, I mentioned that I was a liar, but my childhood and the abuse that happened as I got older too was something I never lied about, most of the time I've tried to hide it in fact because it only further concretes how fucked up I am. It's not exactly things you want to tell people because you know that they'll just look at you like some damaged "hell no" person.&nbsp;Either that or they'll use it to their advantage and manipulate you and hurt you further, as two exes of mine did. One of them took everything I had and sold it for drugs and the other was an alcoholic abusive asshole who knew just what to do and say to keep me in that situation for as long as I was useful.&nbsp;I've been misdiagnosed with different mental illnesses pretty much since I was sixteen, I am now thirty-seven and it's been confirmed between psychiatrist, therapists, counsellors and social worker that I am chronically depressed, &nbsp;have borderline personality disorder and extreme anxiety.&nbsp;I hate the term borderline personality disorder. It's just one of those things that people misinterpret. They think you're a psycho or out to intentionally hurt people. What most ignorant people don't know is that there's different types of BPD and I am the self sabotager. I'll care immensely for anyone I do have around me, love, care, respect and want to help them but myself? I wish I could kill myself. I want to hurt myself, I want to cut myself, I want the absolute worst for myself because that's what I believe I deserve.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;

5th June 2024

When you become a parent you lose sense of everything that you were and are. You become this shell of a human that can't remember what your favourite movie was, boxes of hobbies you used to have remain stacked somewhere gathering dust and you can't remember the last time you even showered without being bombarded with every question known to man as soon as you open the door.&nbsp;Unless you can afford help or have a person that's taking half the load, this is the fate of a parent. You are no longer anyone, just your child's parent and that's all. As time goes on and your child become a teenager and then an adult and suddenly you are no longer a full time parent or responsible for everything they do, say, want and need, you find yourself questioning now what? You have to rediscover yourself all over again but for people like me, for those that have decided that there is no future, you count down the days until your child can go travelling, or has their own home and family so that you can end it all. Of course it doesn't help that I'm incredibly mentally ill and have been since I was 16. As grateful as I am for my children, as much as I love them and would protect them with my last dying breath, being a parent has drained my soul. Being alone has drained my heart. Having no help, having no one has broken me and I can no longer see a future.&nbsp;

April 10 2024

&nbsp;<h2>Discovering the Wild Heart of Odisha: A Journey Through Its National Parks</h2>Odisha, the land of temples and tribal cultures, holds within its borders a lesser-known treasure — its rich and vibrant national parks. These sanctuaries are a haven for wildlife enthusiasts, nature lovers, photographers, and anyone looking to escape into the raw beauty of the Eastern Ghats and coastal plains. Let’s dive into the natural wonders Odisha has to offer!<h2>1. Simlipal National Park – The Crown Jewel</h2>Located in the Mayurbhanj district, Simlipal is the most prominent <a href="https://orissatours.com/wildlife-sanctuaries/">national park in Odisha</a>. Once a royal hunting ground, it now serves as a UNESCO Biosphere Reserve, spreading across 2,750 square kilometers. It’s famous for:Royal Bengal Tigers, leopards, elephantsOver 1,000 species of flowering plantsThe majestic Barehipani and Joranda waterfallsDense sal forests and grasslandsSimlipal is a paradise for eco-tourism and a must-visit if you're craving adventure mixed with biodiversity.<h2>2. Bhitarkanika National Park – India’s Mini Amazon</h2>Tucked away in the Kendrapara district, Bhitarkanika is a unique wetland ecosystem, home to:The largest population of saltwater crocodiles in IndiaRare species like the white crocodile and king cobraOver 270 species of birds, including migratory ones like the Asian openbill storkMangrove forests and tidal rivers perfect for boating safarisThis park offers a different flavor of wilderness — wild, watery, and teeming with life.<h2>3. Nandankanan Zoological Park – Where the Wild Roam Free</h2>Though not a traditional national park, Nandankanan in Bhubaneswar deserves mention. It’s a zoological-cum-botanical park with open enclosures where animals roam in natural habitats. It’s known for:White tigers, black panthers, and gharialsA large safari park and aquariumConservation breeding centersLush greenery and tranquil lakesGreat for families and school trips, Nandankanan is a gateway to wildlife education in Odisha.<h2>Best Time to Visit</h2>October to March is ideal for pleasant weather and increased chances of spotting wildlife.Avoid the monsoon (June to September) as many areas remain closed or become inaccessible.<h2>Travel Tips</h2>Carry binoculars and a camera — you will want to capture these moments.Dress in earthy tones to blend with the forest environment.Respect the sanctity of the parks: avoid littering, making loud noises, or disturbing animals.

thumbnail_Tiger-Reserve-Odisha.jpg

Tiger-Reserve-Odisha.jpg

National Park In Odisha

&nbsp;<h2>From Chandipur to Dublagadi: A Coastal Journey Worth Taking</h2>Odisha's coastline is dotted with hidden gems, and the stretch from Chandipur to Dublagadi (Bagda Sea Beach) is one of those underrated yet unforgettable routes. Whether you're a nature lover, a beach bum, or someone looking for a peaceful escape, this coastal drive has something magical to offer.<h3>Distance &amp; Travel Time</h3>The <a href="https://orissaguide.com/bagda-sea-beach-dublagadi-balasore-odisha/">Chandipur To Dublagadi Distance</a>&nbsp;is approximately 34 to 35 kilometers. The drive takes about 45 minutes to 1 hour, depending on the traffic and the exact route you take.Most travelers opt for the Dublagadi Road, which is locally known as Bagda Sea Beach Road. It’s a smooth ride through lush greenery, with the salty breeze hinting at the sea waiting at the end.<h3>Route Highlights</h3>Chandipur-on-Sea: Famous for its vanishing sea phenomenon, where the water recedes up to 5 km during low tide—truly a one-of-a-kind experience.Rustic villages: En route, you’ll pass by quaint fishing villages and paddy fields, giving you a slice of Odisha’s rural charm.Casuarina forests: Nearing Dublagadi, dense coastal forests line the road, creating a dramatic change in scenery that feels almost cinematic.<h3>Dublagadi (Bagda Sea Beach)</h3>Once you arrive at Dublagadi, you’re greeted by a serene, less-crowded beach with soft sands and a backdrop of casuarina trees. This beach is still untouched by mass tourism, making it ideal for camping, photography, and quiet reflection. On a lucky day, you might even spot red crabs dotting the shoreline.There are eco-resorts and camping facilities available if you want to stay overnight—and trust me, watching the sunrise here is worth waking up early for.<h3>Pro Travel Tip</h3>If you’re traveling in the monsoon or post-rain, check the road conditions beforehand. While the route is generally good, rural roads can get a bit bumpy in bad weather.<h3>Final Thoughts</h3>The drive from Chandipur to Dublagadi is more than just a change in location—it’s a transition from the known to the wild, from touristy shores to hidden coastal sanctuaries. If you’re planning a trip to Odisha, don’t miss out on this beautiful short journey.

thumbnail_images.jpg

images.jpg

Chandipur To Dublagadi Distance

i want to try journaling again; i haven't written a diary since i was a kid.my life is like walking through a dense forest lately. every time i walk around a tree, everything looks the same but different. everything is new and scary and exciting and good and bad, all at the same time.i want to write fanfics. i want to write journal entries. i want to learn how to write essays for a ged i'll probably fail. i want to eat. i want to sleep. i want to read books and manga and light novels. i want to kiss some guy i've only seen through a youtube video, but not in a romantic way, just in an appreciation because he's talented way. like how people kissed the hands of kings of old.i want i want i want i wanti crave companionship and money and things most normal people want. i just don't know how to get those things yet.

april 23rd, 2025

&nbsp;Discovering the Wild Heart of Odisha: National Parks You Must ExploreOdisha, nestled on the eastern coast of India, is often celebrated for its ancient temples and vibrant tribal culture. But beyond its architectural marvels and traditional festivals, Odisha also hides a thriving wilderness—home to some of India's most captivating <a href="https://orissatours.com/wildlife-sanctuaries/">odisha national park</a> and wildlife sanctuaries.Whether you're a nature enthusiast, a wildlife photographer, or just someone looking to escape into the serene embrace of the forest, Odisha’s national parks offer something magical.<h3>1. Simlipal National Park – A Royal Retreat for Tigers and Elephants</h3>Located in the Mayurbhanj district, Simlipal National Park is a UNESCO World Network of Biosphere Reserves site and arguably Odisha's most renowned wildlife sanctuary. Spanning over 2,750 square kilometers, this park is a haven for Bengal tigers, wild elephants, leopards, and gaurs.Simlipal is not just about big cats and thick sal forests—it's also home to stunning waterfalls like Barehipani and Joranda, and tribal villages that offer a glimpse into ancient lifestyles harmonized with nature.Best time to visit: November to mid-June Highlights: Jungle safaris, birdwatching, nature treks, waterfalls<h3>2. Bhitarkanika National Park – The Mangrove Mystery</h3>If Simlipal is about dense forests and tigers, Bhitarkanika is all about mangroves, estuarine crocodiles, and exotic birds. Situated in the Kendrapara district, this unique national park is India’s second-largest mangrove ecosystem, after the Sundarbans.It’s especially famous for its saltwater crocodiles—the largest of which have been recorded at over 20 feet! You can explore the area by boat, gliding through emerald waterways surrounded by mangroves, kingfishers, and monitor lizards.Best time to visit: October to March Highlights: Boat rides, crocodile sightings, migratory birds, mangrove trails<h3>3. Satkosia Tiger Reserve – Where the Mahanadi Flows Wild</h3>Cradled along the gorge formed by the Mahanadi River, Satkosia Tiger Reserve is a less explored gem. With its stunning combination of dense forests, deep valleys, and riverine ecosystems, Satkosia is perfect for eco-tourism.Although tiger sightings are rare, the park is rich in biodiversity, including leopards, sloth bears, mugger crocodiles, and many species of deer and birds. It’s also ideal for camping under the stars by the riverbank.Best time to visit: November to April Highlights: River cruises, crocodile conservation, nature camps, trekking<h3>4. Chilika Lake and Nalabana Bird Sanctuary – A Birdwatcher’s Paradise</h3>While not a national park in the strictest sense, Chilika Lake—Asia's largest brackish water lagoon—deserves mention for its extraordinary birdlife. Located in Puri, Khurda, and Ganjam districts, the lake hosts over a million migratory birds every winter, including flamingos, pelicans, and rare species like the Asiatic dowitcher.Within Chilika, Nalabana Island is designated as a bird sanctuary and is a must-visit for ornithologists and photographers alike.Best time to visit: November to February Highlights: Birdwatching, boat safaris, dolphin spotting, island hopping<h3>Final Thoughts</h3>Odisha’s national parks are still off the beaten path compared to other Indian wildlife destinations, which makes them perfect for travelers looking for raw, unfiltered nature. Whether it’s cruising through crocodile-infested mangroves, hiking in tiger territory, or watching flamingos paint the skies pink—Odisha invites you to discover its wild side.So, pack your binoculars and sense of adventure. Odisha’s wild wonders await!

Odisha National Park

Today, I saw a girl was getting beaten up by her mother. She was crying, alone. I asked her to come to me. Then a man said, his father died sometime before, and she says her father has gone to holidays.I instantly cried for you Bhavika. Remembering, I was your pillar of strength, which looked always. After going everywhere, you came to me, for support, for strength. You knew I was there for you always.Now, I'm not there. It pained me so much. Remembering you, always brought me so much tears instantly.&nbsp;I still says, I'm there for you always. These are bad times. I just wish that GOD gave your mother some budhhi that she understands that we two never had any relation but our kids needs their father too. I'm lying helpless here. But, Im fighting in court for your custody and visitation rights.&nbsp;Im far from you, but remember whenever you call me. I will near you, with you, for any kind of support.Forgive me my child, for giving this pain. Pain of separation.I love you, love you very very much.I believe in GOD, and Im sure he will help us meeting again, soon.&nbsp;

Bhavika... God will help us meet again...

It's the 1st of February. Yesterday I decided that from tomorrow I will start writing on this website and publish it online. Some days will be great, some will be sad, some will be anxious, some will be full of lessons, some will just be a letter to my past to future self, while some will be the comfort for a stranger.&nbsp;&nbsp;I write because I love it. Writing is something that I never want to stop. I hope my writing will help someone someday. I always want to understand people, how they are feeling, what is bothering them, and the things they can't express to anyone and question themselves; I don't want that.&nbsp;Because they don't deserve that. Don't worry; you will be fine, and I will post an article on this website every day :)&nbsp;

Commit to Myself 

Yesterday was my birthday. I'm 41 now.Im feeling as if I'm starting my life exactly 17 years ago. Searching for work, living a bachelor life, struggling for daily chores.&nbsp;

8th June 2024

Tags:

More Journal of this Author

More Journals To Read

8th June 2024

Tags:Mentally IllBPDLonelinessSadness

More Journal of this Author

More Journals To Read

Tags: