November 2021 came as a doom month. The covid  took my elder family members that month causing so much pain to my mum. I was already mourning for those lost ones needless i knew i would lose also one of my closest friends who was younger than me. I have known him since 10 years maybe more. We worked together and he was one of the rare handsome guy of the company. He was full of life, always ready to party and always ready to help and share his knowledge. He has been very supportive during a difficult professional phase available day and night to help. A few months before he died, his attitude changed. He was insisting for me to meet him. He proposed several times that i come to meet him so that he could show me around the site and admire his project. He also offered for us to lunch together. We spent quite some time together in office laughing, joking and teasing each other. One day i offered to take him to visit a nearby parc area which he gladly accepted. We talked a bit about the future of the company and what will be our next move as the company was heading towards severe financial difficulties. I told him about my plans to possibly leave but he had nothing to say. Instead he kept saying he will decide the next year. Everytime he came to office he used to ask me for coffee which i made with pleasure. Late at night sometimes he used to send one text just calling my name and when i replied "what happened" he would say "nothing". 


Eventually i had to leave the company as the pressure became unbearable and the last few words he told me was "if you keep stressing yourself over every little thing you will not be able to enjoy life".

Basically when you move to a new company you get so much engrossed in learning, understanding and coping with the work and the environment. I became so busy that i hardly had time to get in touch. He texted me as to how depressed he was with the work pressure and even mentioned for us to meet. But it never happened.

on 25th of November i was informed he was admitted to clinic and he died a few days later leaving us all frozen in shock. My panic attack hit in when i got the news. I could not believe he was no more. He was only 33 and had already planned his future by buying a house by the seaside and had recently bought a red car. 


I remained in shock for days that i could not attend to his funeral. I did not want to see him in that state. I wanted to keep a happy memory of him laughing cheerful happy.

He broke my heart and many months passed by but i could not accept his death. I dreamed of him a few times in which he told me he was fine but sad. I shut myself with the world. I went to work i sat at my desk i worked all day not talking to anyone. My colleagues thought i was arrogant. During lunch time i went to walk on the streets and sat somewhere on the stairs. I regretted that i did not go to meet him or texted him. He was longing for us to meet but my busy schedule came ahead. Every day i wake up i think of him i cry and i regret.

After 6 months i have been able to end my mourning and gradually i became more open at work and laughed with them all day. But while travelling home every other thing kept reminding me of him. 


Its been 11 months already and i still cry for him. I just can't forget him. It feels so hard the burden is so heavy. 4 days ago i happened to be needing the knowledge of what he was an expert of and i cried and cried becausr he was no more there to help and i could not figure out who should i ask. 


But there is a saying that when God takes someone He sends another. There is a very helpful and knowledgeable guy at work. Friday morning i went to see him and he happily helped me. 


As October is ending, i do not want November to come. It will be hard to live those final days of the month and i for sure would be hiding in my room those days. The company even scheduled our eoy party on that day and i declined the invitation. I would be in no position to dress beautifully and smile to people that 26 of November.

We have become so busy in our daily routine that we do not realise what we are losing. After the person is gone there is gonna be only regrets. Since then i ensure that i am in contact with my friends and i regularly check on them even if i have to travel to see them i make it a must to go.

Zhareenm

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