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a quick hello 

I was reading Dostoevsky and he is right in saying that utopia is bad. What we, as humans are moving towards is not what we would like. Like, we have made our life easy but it has also made it dull. We ache for some fun, some feeling. Anything, hell, we even ache for suffering. We have made our life too easy. There will come a time, or maybe it is right now that we ache for some sort of suffering that breaks this numb dullness.&nbsp;I myself haven't had any problem in this last ond year and that is what people should hope for, right? But instead I keep hoping for someone to make me feel, instead of this dull nothing. I'll be honest, I don't know how to entertain myself. Maybe it's the depression but I don't feel like doing anything I used to like. My interactions with other are minimal. I just stay on my own thinking all this nonsense.&nbsp;

Reading Dostoevsky 

It’s been 25 days since we last spoke. I know my last message to you said pretend I don’t exist and that you were my biggest heartbreak which is true, but maybe I could’ve worded it differently. I was hurt and still am but I miss you and wish we could talk but I also despise you; it’s a thin line between love and hate. I honestly just want closure. I still cry randomly during the day and confide in my best friend about my heartbreak. I love him so much for being my rock during this but I just wish I could move on. My heart hurts more at night, I start to think about everything and questioning what’s wrong with me and why I wasn’t enough. I’m tired of crying and being miserable. I’m tired of hurting and hating myself and tearing myself apart, questioning why I’m not worthy enough to be loved; only used for temporary entertainment and lust. I bared my heart and soul to you, let you into my mind. I thought you were my safe space but I couldn’t be more wrong. You are a user and horrible person yet I love you and hate you at the same time. H you broke me irrevocably and I just want to let all the pain and memories of you to go away&nbsp;

Day 25

Everyday I tell myself I’ll be okay and that I don’t miss you but the more I lie to myself the more it hurts. The love I had for you burned brighter than a thousand suns. I know it’s cliche but I never realized I found love before you, you were my twin flame. When I think about you my heart pangs and my eyes well up with tears. I truly believe that in another universe, in another timeline, in a different world, we were meant to be… I just wish you felt the same. I guess once upon a time you did but maybe it was just temporary lust for you. I think what hurts more is that I’m emotionally broken from this and I probably don’t even cross your mind and you’re just living life per usual with whoever the next lucky girl is; just the thought of you sharing the passion and love I thought we had with someone else makes me physically sick to my stomach and I just want to curl up and cry. You’ll move onto the next while I’m just reminiscing in pain and delusion about what I thought we had