Do you know what is troubling or bothering me? I put in my best efforts and the results are turning out to be very bad.This is where my good part of the brain chimes in. I have given the worst possible interviews and got lucky, how come I never complained about that? Well, I am a human. I only talk about my bad days. I am really trying to be a better person. The thing is, now getting a job is a big kind of deal. I cannot rely on pure luck. But it seems to be the case. No matter how well you perform in the interview, in the end, it is always luck. I was told that I was ahead of other candidates in the interview and I received a cold rejection the very next day. What do I take of this? How can someone bring someone's hopes up just to let them down the next moment?&nbsp;I am sincerely sorry to the Universe for being an AH right now, but I feel at ease after writing out my mind's voice, for unfortunately I cannot even cry myself out in my room and scare off my roomies. This is the phase I never want to look back at. I can take a thousand heartbreaks, although they seemed physical at one point but career-related problems are the worst of all. No, correction, health-related problems &gt;&gt; loved ones problems &gt;&gt; career-related. &nbsp;But now that I am in this phase, I am finding it hard to enjoy life. I do not know what to do! I am clueless. I seek God's help now more than ever.&nbsp;When I was heartbroken in my previous relationship, although I could feel the pain which was as painful as a sharp knife stab through my heart, I do not remember asking God for anything. I questioned him though. I questioned him why it had to be me. What kind of mistakes have I made to deserve this fate? But, now I wholeheartedly ask Him to give me the job that I have put my best efforts in. I totally deserve it. I am a human, and although it was said to have detachment from material possessions in the Gita, it has come to a point where I will not be able to survive without a job. I am in the desperate need of money to flow, for I am penniless. And all I can work for is the job I have applied to (legally speaking). I cannot work for anything else.&nbsp;Oh god, what have I done to myself? 2 years ago, although I didn't have great money flowing, I was content with the money I was getting. I fed myself and I had a comfortable life. Maybe a little too comfortable that it led me to seek something better. Never have I ever imagined I'd be seeking the things I had 2 years ago. I miss my mom and dad so much that every time I talk to them on call, tears roll in my eyes.&nbsp;I do not know what kinds of sins I have made, but I would like for His mercy now! Dear Krishna, if this ever reaches you, please know that I sincerely regret all my mistakes and I would like you to forgive me for everything I've said and done. I will try to be a better person. I need hope! Please give me the hope.&nbsp;I am not becoming hopeless after just 1 try. I have been sincerely trying since last year. I might not have been in the best shape last year, but I have made it this far. I made it this far from no calls to cracking 3 rounds of interviews. But, what is it for if you cannot get into a job? I need luck on my side. I need Krishna behind me. I need a job and only then can I figure out how to live this life. I am not saying this as a depressed person. I am being very logical when I say this. Because I cannot think about anything right now. I am almost craving for it. I am even believing in myths.&nbsp;

My current state of mind

Today, I woke up to a nightmare. Something was very off, and I couldn't quite put a finger on it. I started thinking about what kind of dream I had. But, I couldn't remember. It definitely must've been something terrible.&nbsp;A second later, I realized I had to come back to the reality. I have no job, and no motivation to study to get one. Anything I touch is turning into iron. I've given multiple interviews and none of them worked out for me. A recent job interview went very well. I was the only person (at least I think so) to go till the last round of interviews, but I am seeing some kind of reluctance from the employer as I need assistance with my Visa status. You see, I am an international student that needs a sponsorship from the employer.&nbsp;I do not know how people who are in the same boat as me are bagging great jobs. Even, they need the citizenships. I feel very weak and unlucky. Nothing seems to be working out and I ceased to stop thinking about it. It hurts when you know every bit of you worked hard, and wooed the interviewers with your skills, only to get a nay as you were not born in the right country.Well, sucks to be me I guess.&nbsp;

What in the world is going on?

Growing up I always felt this burden of being perfect. My parents were perfectionists and everytime we don't do things right, we get called (negative) names. I am the third child in our family, I have two older sisters and a younger sister. The eldest and I have 4-year age gap; my older sister and i have 11 months gap; and the youngest and I have 8 year gap. Just by this, I think you get the gist of how my life is. Starting at a young age, I developed this so thing which I called “mask”, it is how I do things accordingly to haw people expect me, but then this became such a burden that I can no longer do it. I stopped pretending, suddenly everything fell apart. My friends were kinda draining, so i started distancing myself. My family was no better, they give negative feedbacks to everything. Then, pandemic came. I shut myself from the world. I felt relieved, it was soothing, I felt like a new person. But then, my family started calling me a black sheep, some who's full of misfortune, miserable, and everything else. I started getting low grades, although i did not fail they were disappointed simply because i was no longer the top of the class. Everything just stopped making sense, I started to fight back. I talked back to my family, I don't let my sister degrade me, my friends think that I'm unapproachable and everytime we have to form a grouping I am left out. I transfered schools, due to financial instability. From private school I was transfered to a public school. New people, new environment. I became too conscious of everyone and everything that I never talked at school except for recitations. it took me 2 whole months to gain new friends and it was cool they were accepting although the high expectations were still there as I became the top of the class. my parents were proud again as they could post my acccomplishment, I still feel not comfortable around them. I can talk comfortably only to my little sister because she likes me a lot, both of our parents were working so since then we were always left together we were partners in crime despite our 8-year gap. I got too immersed in writing this that I forgot what i was typing about…. upon this day I am still finding myself and I want to tell everyone that it surely takes time so be patient and try to find things you do for yourself not for others. Love yourself as nobody could ever do that better. Take care!

do you feel like you're just pretending too?

sometimes, i wish we could restart the life. from ground zero. i know,it probably not be as 'fun' as it is now but at least you won't have the worry of the future. as a kid,i never had brother about my appearance,i used to be quite bold honestly. but as I'm grow, a part of me just wants to hide itself. ever since we got this COVID pendamic..wearing a mask now is a habit of mine. i never go out without mask. it's a part of me now. i still regret not getting my face done after the accident when I had the chance... now I feel like throwing all the mirror out of the house. even my reflection on my phone screen.. i hate it. i hate the way my thighs look, i hate how wide and chubby my back is.. i hate how my face look when I smile and on the top of that, i hate my personality. it's not the first time I'm feeling this way, but will be the last.&nbsp;

i just don't like being me

My name is .... actually my name is not important. I can be anyone.  Your sister, your brother, your son or daughter. I can be your friend, your co-worker. I can be your boss or your employee or even someone you see on the street or your teacher or your student.

It's really not important. What is important is that for a little over 2 years I'm battling with depression, anxiety disorders and B.E.D which is an eating disorder.

The reason I want to share my story is because I'm still trying to understand how I got here. Up until the time my world fell apart I thought that I was in control of everything.  To be honest I had some panic attacks but I didn't think any of it and I was trying to control the short of breathing the heart pumping hard. Actually I didn't even know that those were panic attacks!

But what really drove me to start writing is that video .

The first time I saw that video I thought " awo it's a pity that people with depression go through that but it can't be that bad....I mean it's a dog, and dogs are good, companion, Right?"