Dreams

 If only we could
wind back the hands of time and do this room up right. Actually, I should have
moved into the other bedroom. That way there would be less space to have to put
the soundproofing material on and only one window and one door rather than two
windows and three doors. Then, instead of trying to get wallboards or go over
the MLV with drywall or something, we should have gone over it with the thick,
textured tiles he stuck on his back wall. Then there would be the plugs, vent
baffle, solid core door, and the best window money could buy with thick glass.
We would probably have to do floors and ceilings as well.  

  

All this may
still be done if the storms allow me enough sleep that I can stay in Florida
and the horses are a bust. Well, I don’t know about the storms, but I know the
horses are just a dream. This is the second week in a row he lost. He says he
just has to “get better” at it, but I know and accept it’s just a fantasy. Just
like me hoping to break into the music business way back when. But this time it’s
not a devastating thought as it was years ago. We’re not cramped into a dumpy
rental in a shitty climate, and it’s not like I haven’t traveled, bought/done things.
If we never have extra money or move again, that will be OK as long as we’re
healthy and happy. We’ll just switch rooms so we can save money on the
soundproofing. The only pain in the ass will be having to come out to use the
bathroom when I wake up. But I don’t wanna do anything until I know if I can
even stay in the state. 

  

The thing is,
my sleep is so cursed that it’s just going to be something or another fucking
with it no matter where we go. However, there is a big difference between being
woken up a few times a month as opposed to a few times a week, as I learned
when we left Auburn. Today was a one-hour power failure. 

  

Although
tired, I managed to go to the store just to get out. Got a couple of single
caramel pieces that were $0.34 each and a 4-pack of White Merlot. Why not? It
doesn’t seem to make me more or less anxious, after all. It can mess with my
sleep, but so can everything else in the world. I swear, if it is in an outside
source, it’s my own damn body having a nightmare, having to get up to pee, waking
up too cold, waking up too hot, etc. 

  

On the way
out we saw a possum running along the fence at one end of the park. It was a
pretty good size too. I learned that they can get up to 9-13 pounds but they
won’t pounce if you run into them as long as they don’t feel cornered or
threatened. As with skunks, they’ll try to escape before they go on the attack.
They’re so adorably cute. 

  

Just like in
the last place, my vibes and my logic are at odds with each other. My logic
always said we would leave CH in 2024, but my vibes said otherwise. Because I
don’t believe the horses are going to amount to much, my logic says we’ll be
here for a long time, maybe even forever. But that’s not what my vibes say.
Knowing that my vibes are usually the winner, I wonder if that could be because
I’m not going to be able to get any sleep when it’s storming every day. 

  

I just hope DeSantis
doesn’t become president no matter where we live. He’d be another Trump for
sure. That’s part of why he’s doing all this crazy anti-gay shit. It scores
points and therefore votes from all the haters. Biden has turned out to be
completely worthless as a prez. He’s just too damn old. I keep hoping he’ll get
sick so Kamala can take over. I don’t know that she would be any better, but at
least we would have a chance. Really hope they make pot legal nationwide, but
when and if that happens, it will be years from now, unfortunately. Really want
to try it for my anxiety. If it worked, I wouldn’t give a fuck if I got
addicted and became the pothead from hell, nor would I care about the potential
side effects like how it fucks with memory and things like that. This is my
first calm day after three or four days of anxiety. I still think most of it is
on the medication adjustments, or at least I hope so. In a few weeks, I go to
the lab. I’m guessing I’m going to be an 11. Still hoping I’ll be able to get
under 10, although I still doubt I’ll ever be able to get between 1-4.