Forever unloved

Hi

It's 19th September. Life has been changed so much, but I never knew this much. My CPU has been stuck for the last 17 days, and I have felt so, so, so helpless. I have millions of questions in my mind. I am not even asking anyone because I know no one can really answer it. Or maybe I don't want an answer. 

Why? 

Why do I fall in love too soon? As soon as someone understands a bit of me, I feel emotional attraction towards them. I do everything for that person, but on the other hand, they don't really know what I am feeling for them. Why is it always like they are in friendship and I am in love? I don't want this; I don't want to fall; I don't want my life forever as a giver of everything. Just for once, I also want to become a poem rather than a poet, but I know I can't. All I am asking in this life from everyone is that they “be who they are around me,” and still I don't know. Why people can't be who they are around me? I know I am not loved, but don't worry, pretty soul; I never want you to feel this. I feel so strange and worthless when people act different around me. Like, am I that wrong or unsafe a person?

Finally, after 20 years of my life, I have accepted and believed that I can never be truly loved by anyone. Everyone is here to heal themselves; no one is going to be willing to do everything for me. 

I give up on love. I give up on finding love because that doesn't really exist for me. I was here, am here, and will be here just to heal, listen, and support but never to feel loved. Maybe I am here to fight, to earn, to be famous, or to create. 

If you are reading this, I hope you never feel this way and soon find your person. I wish God would heal you from everything that you are even afraid to tell anyone.

- Devangi