What do I want out of my life?

Reflecting on my life so far & my upcoming birthday...

Anonymous User

Story written as Anonymous User

Tue, 11/17/2020 - 20:59
In the privacy of my own mind

I hate this question. It brings me feelings of shame and failure. I don’t know what do I want out of my life, and I am turning 42 soon. It is such a disappointment to myself now, and to my past twenty something year old self. My inability to see a future at all, let alone clearly, frustrates me to the maximum. I just hate it, maybe I hate myself too for letting me down. This wasn’t supposed to be my story. I am a bright individual who should have been by now somewhere happy and successful. So what is the reason for the blockage I am experiencing about my future? FEAR - obviously. I have been for the longest time stuck in fear, and in feelings of helplessness. So as a result, I am living a life of apathy, a disgusting one. It hurts me to the core of my being. I am resentful that my life has turned out  to be this way, and I am bitter because of it. I want to see a way out. I really do, but right now I don’t know how, and I am still figuring it out because I believe there is hope. My fear comes from my inability to trust myself, to take care of me on my own, without the support of my family. Taking care of my existence is work, overwhelming work. Being affected by brain dysregulation, and living in a state of hyper-vigilance, and becoming easily flooded, robs me of  my ability to be and stay grounded. I know that when I simplify processes; break them down to their smallest elements, and map them out for myself, I do much better at managing my physiological state, and I get around doing the work. Simple, clear and easy is my mantra.

 

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Anonymous User

Story written as Anonymous User

Tue, 11/17/2020 - 20:59
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