I have been told I should forgive my rapist. Forgive and forget. I was only 8 when it started. When people didn’t help when I told them what was going on, I gave up fighting. I let it happen. This continued for 5 years. Once I was finally able to force him to stop, I tried to commit suicide for the first time. I still have the scars on my wrist from it. I chose to bury what had happened to me. Bury it so deep it was like it never happened. Even when I went into counseling for my clinical depression around the age of 14, I didn’t mention it to my counselor because I thought they wouldn’t believe me just like everyone else. The thing is during my pregnancy with my daughter the memories slowly started to resurface. I kept them hidden the best I could, and everyone just thought I was being emotional because of the pregnancy. Once I delivered and my hormones balanced back out I was able to bury most of the memories again. The issue was my parents kept wanting to take my daughter over to my aunt and uncles and they couldn’t understand why I didn’t want that to happen. My rapist lived next door to my aunt and uncle. Every time they went over there, he would visit. He had every right to see his parents any time he wanted. I didn’t trust him around my daughter. I didn’t trust him around me. My other family members were getting upset that I wouldn’t go or allow my daughter to go to family get togethers. If by the off chance we went it was when her father could go with us and help me keep an eye on her. None of my family members on that side knew what happened and they still don’t. All they know is that for some reason I don’t want anything to do with the one cousin or the house he was raised in. I’ve been told forgiveness is the key to healing. I honestly don’t know that I can ever forgive him for what he did to me. Every time I think I’m ready to forgive him I get hit with another wave of immense anger and pain. Then the self-loathing and the why me hits. I understand that its all part of the healing process but fuck it really takes it out of me. I know I should allow myself to process these feelings because its really the only way I will truly be able to heal but it’s hard to do when those around you won’t allow that to happen. I get that mom doesn’t understand and never actually will what is going on with me. All she knows is there are days that I don’t come out of my room unless I absolutely need to, such as food water and to use the restroom. She knows there are days that I am on edge and that the slightest thing will make me snap at her. But understanding that I am trying to process feelings that don’t center around her “perfect world” will never make sense to her. Dad tries to give me my space when he sees me getting lost in my thoughts but there are times that he grows very impatient with me which makes me feel even worse. Anyway, I truly don’t know that I will ever be able to forgive my cousin. That may change in the future but as of right now, NO. I accept what he did to me. I don’t understand why he chose me. He knew exactly what he was doing to me. I don’t think he understood what it could do to me in the future. Hell I don’t think most people would know. There are still a ton of studies going on in the psychology world about the effects of rape and molestation and how it effects the victims later in their life. My therapist was curious about how if me being molested as a child could have perhaps driven me towards the BDSM lifestyle as an adult. I admit it is something I wouldn’t mind doing some research for myself but it’s not like I can just get on Fetlife and go hey how many people here was raped or molested as a child….