D/s relationship Is it really for me?
I'm starting to feel very confused about if I should be in one or not. Just for clarification I'm whats considered a Switch. I'm have a Dom side as well as a submissive side. I'm not questioning my feelings for "J" or anything like that. I know exactly how I feel. I love her but I'm getting tired of being everyone's afterthought or second choice. I know she loves her wife and I accept that. That's not my issue. it just seems like all she wants is to play. I need more than that. I'm starting to feel like I'm being used again. Out of all the times I've actually given her an orgasm shes only given me one where I've actually cum. I've had them from the actually mental play of me controlling her but it doesn't feel the same. She's the only person I've wanted to take control of in any aspect what so ever.
"N" was a soft Dom which is more of what I needed in a Dom then. I don't want or need someone telling me how to dress, how to wear my hair, do my makeup, so forth so on. I don't do well with orders or commands because of what I went through with my cousin when I was younger. I realize that now. Most Dom's don't understand. When you're dealing with an sub that was abuse or raped or molested you can cause more harm than good when you get really strict with them. Its a huge part of why I'm hesitant about really looking for a Dom. "D"might make a great Dom for his little but he's not the right Dom for me. He started to demand my submission from the beginning doing the whole I'm a Dom so you better submit thing. It took me going off on him to get him to realize I don't give my submission to just anyone and that it needs to be earned.
Hell there are times I feel that I'm not good enough for anyone. Unfortunately I'm feeling that more often. I feel so down on myself most days that I'm surprised I can function. Some days I can't. This week was one of those weeks.Between my insomnia, depression, and anxiety all causing a really bad headache that lasted most of the week I was pretty worthless. I was finally able to sleep last night and was up by 11. I'm feeling a little better but I'm still feeling really down. I feel so damaged and abused that I don't know what it means to be truly happy. I feel lost. I don't know who I am. I feel I'm not as strong as I need to be to be the person I should be. I'm afraid people are putting their faith in me when they shouldn't be. I'm afraid of letting everyone down and that's all I seem to be doing lately. I try to put on a smile. I try to be strong. I fake my smile so everyone doesn't worry about me. Only two people see through me. One calls me on it. I try to be happy. I try to do things that i think make me happy but with all this covid crap its hard to get out and do things.