So, at the moment I’m feeling really down on myself and I’m not exactly sure why. Actually, I take that back. I think I know why, or at least part of the reason why. I can’t seem to get the crap that “B” has told me over the years out of my head. It has been replaying over and over for the last few days. I’m fat. I’m lazy. I’m stupid. I’m an unfit mother. No one will ever love me. I’m worthless. I’ll never amount to anything. I’m ugly. I’m a slut. I’m nothing but a no-good lying whore. That’s just part of what I’ve been called by him over the last 20 years. Let’s not even get started on when I tried talking to him about the kink side of things in the bedroom. Or the names he started slinging when I stood up for our child’s right to be called He/Him if that is how he felt.
I guess my parents were right. I chose to see the good and ignored the bad. The first time I opened up to him about being molested he thought I was lying just to get attention. He didn’t want me to see a therapist because of his bad experiences with them even though I told him I had several good experiences in the past. He response to that was if they were so good why didn’t they cure you. It’s hard to explain to someone that there is no cure for depression or the other symptoms I was having at the time. My dad finally convinced him that I probably just needed to go on an antidepressant again and that I would feel better. With that he finally agreed. I was able to find an income based therapist that could prescribe an antidepressant. It helped so they took me off of it like every other doctor has done in the past. Let’s just say we know better than to do that now. We also know what my other symptoms were all about and have the actual diagnosis.
I went from a woman that grew up with the stigma of living with depression and with someone that claimed to be very smart, to a woman that is now in a LDR and living with a diagnosis of PTSD, Anxiety and MDD (major depressive disorder). He still claims it’s all in my head and none of it happened. I can’t get him to understand that I wish that was the case, but it’s not. If it was just in my head, I feel I could cope with it better. That maybe there is a cure for that. I live my life in constant fear that someone is going to hurt me physically and psychologically like my cousin did all those years ago. And now that I realize how badly “B” treated me throughout our 19 year long relationship I’m constantly on edge and hypersensitive to what others say to me.
I’m currently in a long-distance relationship with someone I care greatly about, ”K”, but part of me is scared. He wants me to move to Florida to be with him, to be his wife. He thinks I’m beautiful and sexy. My hesitation other than leaving my son is that he has a temper. “K” swears he’s never hit a woman in his life, but “B” swore the same thing and he hit me on two different occasions. “K” has a temper on him, and the slightest thing can set him off sometimes, but it’s never been directed at me. I’m normally who he turns to so he can calm down. I have gone off on him before because he needs to realize he’s not always right. Our biggest thing has been the “Covid-19 Conspiracy.” I’m not gonna go into details but he thinks it’s one big conspiracy to control us. Whereas I see it as an actual pandemic and say there are precautions everyone should follow even him.
I’m back in school and trying to focus on that on top of my son starting his Senior year tomorrow. It’s been kinda hard for me to focus because of how I’m feeling, which in my mind leads to “B” being right. That I am stupid and will never amount to anything. I feel pressured to go above and beyond but I’m afraid if I push myself to hard or spread myself out to thin I will have another mental breakdown, and I don’t want that to happen. The last one almost cost me everything including my son. I’m afraid to tell my friends how I feel. I’m afraid to totally let “K” in because of the damage “B” has done. I just don’t know what to do or what to think or what to feel right now. I’m to confused. I know that no one can answer my questions, if you really consider them questions at all. But if anyone has any advice I’m open to it.